My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you for taking the time to write such an elaborate reply, @Geordie . The metaphore really made it easier for me to understand. It must be really hard to have more than one personality in your head. I mean, I can barely handle mine and that's just one.

I am very sorry for the way your ex wife has treated you. I hope you can see that 'being dumped like trash' in no way reflects who you are or what you are worth as a person. You deserve a thousand times better than what you've been through.

And thank you for the comment on my recent 'crisis'. Luckily, there is a pretty strong friendly foundation between him and me, which I'm sure can grow into a beautiful and true connection, if given the opportunity.

Two days ago my boyfriend came over so we could talk things out. Turns out he genuinely cares about me, and a lot more than I had expected.
It's not that he and I don't work together. It's the situation we're both in these days. And I desperately hope that will very soon change for the better.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

There are so many things I want to do with my life. I want to work as a volunteer, I want to help people, I want to work out a lot, I want to take up extra courses, etc. etc. And then once again the realisation hits that I have PTSD and that I cannot do all the things I want to do. I do not have the mental capacity to take up extra courses, even though I know my IQ is high enough. It's so unfair.

I haven't had EMDR treatment in a long time, because I can't help but remember the trauma from a blurred third person point of view. My T said I probably wasn't ready yet. But how can I not be ready? I've read other people's stories here and they were so much worse than mine. How can I not be ready to deal with my one day trauma? Am I that weak?

I do have to keep in mind that I have been emotionally/sexually abused in the past, but not that bad that I developed PTSD. I had an online "relationship" when I was 14 with a guy from the US who said he was 23. We talked through an instant messaging service and would put between ** what we would do if we were together, like *hugs you*. But he would always push things. I was very insecure back then and already convinced no man would ever want me, but this guy seemed to so I didn't want to lose him.

He would try to make things sexual all the time and every time I told him "no" he guilt-tripped me by saying he was so sorry and that he would better leave me alone etc. Which made me feel terrible about myself. I was very submissive and told myself that he had "needs", knowing that he would threaten to leave if I said no. I would be literally shaking with fear behind my computer screen, but I still didn't leave. I wish I had. The thoughts about that time make me anxious and make me feel sick. I wish they had never happened.

And at 17 I got my first real boyfriend who was only interested in me if I slept with him, putting another huge dent in my confidence.

Just thinking about all this makes me feel very anxious and makes me feel sick. I'm gonna take my meds now and try to find some distraction.

 

[SeanCharles]

There are so many things I want to do with my life.

I know what you mean... I'm struggling to figure out how to do the things I want with my own life, all the while I am stuck doing what I am unhappily doing them as though to please others all the while feeling like I am being abused again but in a different way then the previous traumas I've experienced.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Right now I'm really angry. I've been kind of numb lately, but now the anger is getting back. It is unbelievable that the rapist could do all this to me. In what universe is it fair that I have to suffer the consequences of what he did to me? Even if I would some day find the courage to report him and he would go to jail, he would still have to serve far less time, whereas I'll have to deal with PTSD for the rest of my life!

I want to get through the wall of suppressed emotions and finally LIVE like others can. Like he can, still out living his life like nothing ever happened.

One day, I will be stronger. I'll be a freaking superhero and I will fight back in my own way. I will fight for tougher punishment of sexual abuse, longer prison sentences for rape. In my country, a first time delinquent will probably get a few months including probation. How is that possible?! Oh no, I am not going to let that slide. I will stand up for my and others' rights and I want to help raise awareness for sexual abuse. I am not a wreck and I will come out of this stronger than I have ever been.

 

[RussH]

Snowwhite, Unfortunately the universe, or our little world for that matter is not fair. I wish it were different but unfortunately it is not. I am sorry for the anguish you are feeling, and I agree that the legal side of this is totally unfair.

I don't agree that you will have to deal with the PTSD for the rest of your life. Everything I have read about it tells me that we can recover from PTSD. Personally I think you are a superhero because you have survived, and I am confident that you will be much stronger.

As far as fighting for longer prison sentences; perhaps there is already a group in your country that is doing that, and you can join forces with them.

I just want you to know that I am in your corner, and I believing that you you become stronger and regain your mental health.

 

[RussH]

Snowwhite, just remember, when you are feeling down; your value is so much greater than your abuser. Don't let him win.

 

[nicoleanne06]

Snow white it is unreal how similiar your story is to mine... my jaw dropped when reading this because it is almost identical...

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Dear @RussH , thank you so much for your kind words. Your remark about me already being a superhero made me smile.
I agree I should hold onto hope of succesfully healing from PTSD, or at least expect suffering to decrease dramatically over the years. Thank you for reminding me of that.

I also found your other reply very sweet. You are right; I am better than my abuser and I cannot let him win. I won't let that happen, I refuse.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I did read a nice quote today: "the best revenge is having a successful life". I should hold on to that.

 

[RussH]

also found your other reply very sweet. You are right; I am better than my abuser and I cannot let him win. I won't let that happen, I refuse

Good for you Snow! I was just thinking about your name; remember Snowwhite wins in the end.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@nicoleanne06 , I really had not expected to heat that someone else could relate that much to my story. Although of course I would never wish for what I've been through to happen to another person, I must admit that reading your reply made me feel good. Thank you for that.

Do you have a trauma diary here? Or would you perhaps like to talk some more in a private message? If it's okay with you, I'd like to talk with you some time. Let me know :)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Aahw thanks, RussH :) I like the abbreviation "Snow" btw. And you are right,Snowwhite does win in the end. And so will I. I just have yet to cough up that poisened apple that is PTSD ;)