My Way To Fight Back

[nicoleanne06]

@Snowwhite, I just joined so I haven't started a journal yet. I will soon though! Would definitely love to talk more but I don't know how to message on here yet! So go ahead and send me one, I know where my inbox is!

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm staying with my parents right now. I'll leave for class and my own home tomorrow. It's really hard to try to be happy here. I love my parents very, very much and they have been nothing but good to me, but they're going through their own trouble right now and it's really hard for me because I can't help them.

My dad has been unemployed and depressed for years now and my mom is over-worked, which of course is creating friction between them. They fight a lot and my mom has even talked to me about getting a divorce because she can't take it anymore. But I am so afraid that such a thing would tip my dad over the edge and that he might hurt himself as a result and that thought scares me so much. But I'm also afraid the way things are going now is going to destroy them both. I just wish I could do something to help them. I wish that if I worked hard enough I could find some magical remedy that I could use to solve all of their problems, but I can't.

I'm also so angry with my dad's previous bosses. They didn't just fire him, no, they pushed and pushed and pushed him until he worked over 80 hours a week and barely slept, so that they could say that he "didn't perform well enough" as he got behind on his management-tasks, for which he was hired in the first place. I cannot understand why you would do such a thing to another person. They could have just let him go so much easier, he had only worked there for a little over a year. They could have thought of something, like he wasn't a good match with the rest of the team, or some nonsense like that, but they just had to break him down. They are disgusting sadistic psychopaths and they do not deserve to go unpunished for what they did to my father.

I am not a vengeful person at all, especially not for myself. But when somebody hurts the people I love I will never forgive or forget and if the opportunity arises to hurt those people back, then I will jump right at it. Of course I wouldn't stoop to their level, but if I could I would destroy those people's reputations completely. My parents did not deserve all this pain, they are good people. It's just not fair.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

A lot has been going on lately. First of all, I failed a do-over class on writing scientific papers. I worked so hard on my second version and I realise it wasn't great, but I put a lt of effort into it and made a lot of improvements in the content. But that wasn't enough and it sucks. I have to work hard to pass my other subjects if I want to get my first year degree at uni. It stresses me out, which doesn't exactly help me focus.

Secondly, my therapist is "bouncing me off". Yesterday we talked about where we should be going with our sessions. We haven't done EMDR for a long time and we've been mostly talking about my issues in social life; the pretending I'm fine, the not showing my true self out of fear that others won't like the real me, the lack of emotional processing, etc. I agree with her that the therapy isn't progressing enough and I've been wanting some more intense treatment than one "talking session" every 3 weeks. But I'd expected the therapy she was giving me to intensify, not for her to tell me she can't help me.

I can't help but feel a little hurt and even insulted. She wants me to go to group therapy with other people who have problems with social anxiety. And I don't have anything against people who have trouble interacting with others, but I don't feel like this is the real problem right now. Sure it's important, but social anxiety isn't what's giving me nightmares. Fear of other people's opinions isn't the reason I'm always looking over my shoulder. And low self esteem isn't what makes me so hyper-vigilant that I don't trust anything or anyone around me. I feel like this is yet another step sideways, like so many therapies have been in my life.

I need something concrete. Something that will help me process my trauma. But apparently I'm so shut off emotionally that EMDR is too much for me. In a way that even makes me feel good about myself, because it's evidence that I should take myself seriously on this matter. But I'm also angry and frustrated. I just want to get this hell over with! I'll deal with the details later. If I can process my trauma(s) succesfully, maybe it will give me the strength and the insight I need in order to fix my fear of other people's opinions. I can always switch to "lighter" therapy for those things, right? Well apparently my brain is either really that broken that I can't handle EMDR right now, or my therapist is for some reason not giving me the help I want and need. It's not fair. I just want to get through this.

 

[RussH]

Snow, don't focus so much on what you can't do, but more on what you can do. I know things are tough, but I believe in you. I know you can do it. And as far as the PTSD; you will deal with it and you will overcome it. It may take time, but treat is similar to the way a recovering alcohol treats soberity, one day at a time. Today is a day PTSD did not get the best of me, and tomorrow I will get up, and face it agian, and it will not get the best of me tomorrow.

You can do it Snow, and I know you can successfully pass your classes. I am in your corner.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I was date raped at fourteen years old. I carried all the shame and blame for so many years. I dealt with this terrible memory until I did EMDR which changed my life for the better.

So I can understand. You have been so badly wounded. I have read your journal and would like to get to know you better. Thank you for sharing your journey.

I am wishing you the best in your healing and recovery.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you, @RussH , for believing in me. It means a lot to me.

@gizmo thank you for sharing that with me. And I'm very sorry for what you've been through.
I'm always glad to get to know nice people, so please feel free to send me a message any time. I wish you the best, too.

 

[RussH]

Hi Snow, I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? I hope all is going well with you. You are a precious lady.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi Russ, thank you for your concern. I've had a rough few weeks, but I'm starting to get myself back out there. It's my final few weeks of this semester and I have to really push myself in order to pass for this last subject.

On the bright side, I'm very happy with my boyfriend at the moment. Things are still very complicated, but he makes me happy and takes care of me. He doesn't know about my laundry list of past and current psychogical problems yet, but he's a good man. He's very kind, we have a lot of fun together, and, most importantly, he makes me feel safe. So he really brightens up my week. :)

 

[RussH]

Snow, I am glad you are doing well, sorry about the rough couple of weeks. I am proud of you for sticking it out and working on you schooling. I am also glad you are happy in your relationship with your boyfriend. When the time is right for you to share some of your past, do so slowly, and give him time to absorb it. I truly pray for happiness for you.

Again I am proud of you for all that you have accomplished since we met. You are progressing in school, you talked with your parents ( I am really, really proud of you for that), and you are finding a way to be happy. Outstanding young lady. If I were standing next to you I would hug you:)[DOUBLEPOST=1402780992,1402780884][/DOUBLEPOST]

I have read your journal and would like to get to know you better

Gizmo, thank you for offering Snow your friendship. She is worth getting to know. I am so proud of this young lady!

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you, @RussH . Your message put a big smile on my face. You are always so kind and supportive, it makes me feel warm inside :)

I am struggling to get my life in order though. It's hard to find a good daily rhythm when you barely have to go to class. Sounds like a luxury problem, I know, but I think I really need the structure . I either study well or take good care of my home or take good care of myself, but never all three together.

I've been reading some of the old notebooks that my Mom and the day care center I went to as a toddler would write in. The funniest and cutest little stories are in there. Apparently I wanted to marry everybody I liked. I was a really happy child and it's nice to read about those stories.

 

[RussH]

Apparently I wanted to marry everybody I liked.

Hope I am on that list:)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Haha, well I didn't know you when I was three, but I'm sure I can fit you in now :happy: