My Wife Filed For Divorce

[scaredandalone]

Hi all,

I am a female survivor of childhood sexual assault (by my father), abuse and neglect (by both parents). I got married 4 years ago to a woman I had been dating for 3 years. A few months after I got married, I disclosed the sexual abuse to my therapist and, later, to my wife. We then had a child (I carried him) who was born extremely prematurely and in a situation which was hugely triggering for me. I was diagnosed with PTSD stemming from the abuse and am being treated for it by a psychiatrist I like and a therapist I trust deeply. A few months ago my wife said she wanted a divorce because I had not been "emotionally available" since our son was born and I was diagnosed. She told me today that she has filed for divorce.

I feel so alone. I broke ties with my parents because of the abuse. The rest of my family live in the UK (where I was raised). My wife's parents told me to call them "mom" and "dad" and said they loved me like a daughter but now they are paying my wife's lawyer. I can't really blame them - they are supporting their daughter. I have been a stay-at-home mom and have no financial backing so that adds to my fear. I feel so betrayed. I can't believe how stupid I was to trust my wife and her parents, to finally think I had a family I could trust and rely on. My wife is suing for 50/50 physical custody of our child so I feel like I am losing him too (he's perfect by the way and I completely adore him).

Tomorrow I have to get up, put my game face on (my wife still lives with us) and take care of my baby and I will find the strength somehow but tonight I don't quite know how I can go on..

 

[Hope69]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. PTSD is no piknik and to lose an important relationship at the same time is really rough. I'm glad you have a therapist you trust and are getting good care. Its no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed and betrayed.
You sound like a strong woman and I believe you will find the strength that you need.
I have found this a good place to reach out and ask fro support from others who understand.

 

[Friday]

So the good news is it sounds like your STBXW is still a very good person that you still care about, and she and your child's grandparents will be a blessing in your son's life? People that you can co-parent with, and depend on? Losing a lover, but retaining an ally? A partnership not destroyed but redefined? That's a point of strength to hold onto.

Divorce is insanely stressful, under even the best of circumstances. It's the complete restructuring of a life, setting aside the plans that were, and moving into a newness. Very little is harder with PTSD, in my experience, than that!

If you haven't come across this, yet? It can help. The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Goodness this sounds so difficult. Is there any way to mend this with your wife? She clearly just doesn't understand what you are dealing with.

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Same here, so sorry you are going through this! I can imagine that a traumatic childbirth experience would bring up PTSD symptoms from your own childhood abuse.

It sounds like your wife doesn't have a clue about PTSD. I'm sorry she doesn't understand how that can affect a person, and the stress it can put on a relationship. Have you told her about this site, and that there is a whole community of people who are in relationships with others with PTSD, so that they can get support too? I have referred my wife to that part of this site. Is couples therapy a possibility? Whether or not the divorce goes through? What about a trial separation while you seek couples counseling? Why jump straight to divorce?

I'm so sorry, and wish you and your family the best possible outcome. Hang in there, sister!

Gentle hugs if you accept them. :hug:

 

[aut555]

In this case, l like it that people are posting give this a second chance. I mean you took the right steps, you are healing, why wouldn't she give you a year to get better? Were you someone just to have a baby? I believe that is all l was in my marriage. Hoping that she will work with you, because you are still the mother, you carried the baby to term. You now have to stand up for the hardest fight of your lifetime, the child and possibly the relationship. Can you do this?

 

[EveHarrington]

It saddens me that she doesn't start with trying to work things out, that she jumps straight to divorce. Are you sure someone else isn't involved? Too many people fail to understand that relationships take work and downright suck at times. People think it's supposed to be good times all the time (thanks modern society for lying to us!)!

 

[GrayOwl]

I am sorry you are hurting.
You are not alone. It feels that way sometimes.
Thank you for sharing. Wish I could do or say more.
You have a beautiful child, hope you find many blessings to count...

 

[Stickler]

...I am very sorry.
Look...
Were it me? My own trust in her --as a partner-- would be shattered by her filing for divorce when I REALLY needed her, and she'd committed to be there as a partner and parent to my infant.
It strikes me as an immature and selfish decision?

But I do not know either of you, and I'm a judgemental, bitter angry asshole, so, don't take me very seriously.
Do, however, take her decision as final.
I advise being ruthlessly practical.

Get any citizenship and work stuff in line immediately.
You should be eligible for alimony, find out how much you're eligible for and demand it; you need it.
For most states, that's going to be about a year, though.
You're going to need to get a job, the first one can be anything, though get the best you can?
If you do not have any skills, I recommend you look into getting training to do something that pays better than entry level, and do so immediately.

 

[Friday]

I wanted to take a moment to come back and say; as painful as divorce is? It really sometimes is the best thing.

Not everyone is cut out to be a PTSD supporter. Just like not everyone is cut out to be a supporter of someone who becomes blind, or loses their ability to walk, or suffers major head trauma & personality change. I think some people try and stay too long, out of love, making both people miserable. It would be lovely if life was a fairy tale and everyone lived happily ever after, & no matter what changed, the person we married before <insert life altering change here> was perfectly suited to make everything grand. Or vice versa, if something happened to our spouse, that it was the one thing that we could love even more and made our relationship even better. Instead of something that guts us, that we struggle with, or makes life impossible. But this isn't Hollywood. That just isn't always -or even often- the case. Staying out of love, when it's a sacrifice / when your own needs aren't getting met / very quickly turns into a toxic place... For both people.

It's possible @ScaredandAlone, that if your wife came to learn and understand PTSD, and you continued in treatment, that the two of you could work together to make sure both of your needs were being met & that she could be a rockstar with both of you happy in a very functional and healthy relationship. But it's also a longshot. It's the Fairytale/Hollywood ending. With a whole helluva lot of luck and hard work both being required. But not having that ending? Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or with her. It's not something either of you are doing wrong. And it's not something either of you can help. It's not like developing alcoholism and choosing to drink even after you know the consequences of it, or taking a job that means traveling 6mo a year, and the other person can't handle a choice you've made, or lifestyle you've chosen. PTSD isn't a choice. Just like not being able to handle PTSD isn't a choice. It's something that's been thrust upon each of you, and has fundamentally changed both your marriage and your lives. Some marriages recover from that. Some don't.

 

[Crow]

I'm sorry for what you're facing. Support.