My Wife W/ptsd Finds Fault With Everything I Do And Fights

[Random2323]

My spouse is suffering with PTSD. The issue is that I can never be their for her as she finds fault in everything I do. A look, the way I stand, anything at all and says the most hateful things. When she is feeling well she tells me how great I m. This does not last long and she falls right back to being mean. It seems to me that she is running from her fear and that manifests itself in anger at me. Does this sound typical? Is this "normal behavior for PTSD sufferers? Our marrige will end if something does not change.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Not sure what typical PTSD symptoms are as there are so many then there's cormobilty.

I can only speak for myself, I explode, blind rage explosions, no clue what im doing or saying until its over. Ive been taught to feel it coming it on about a min, maybe 2 before it happens to hopefully get myself out of the situation, ive never been violent to a person though ive taken a baseball bat to my house a few times.

BUT, I dont think thats the PTSD so much as its the BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), maybe both.

PTSD has symptoms common to BPD (forgot which criteria this is) but PTSD and BPD is also common cormobilty. And Im sure anger and rage in general is a PTSD symptom but not all have the same ones.

Im very unsure if I answered this question. My appologies if I didnt.

 

[Justmehere]

PTSD is not an excuse to be a mean jerk to one's spouse.

I could be a behavior related to unmanaged symptoms. Depression and anxiety can both lead to irritability. Angry outbursts are also a symptom of PTSD. It could also be a symptom of other conditions. That doesn't make it ok.

It could also be a sign of poor communication and relationship skills and possibly poor boundaries.

Have you discussed it with her I'm a gentle but clear way? Does she know you need it to change? Is she in treatment? Are you in counseling? Have you considered couples counseling?

 

[Mallaky]

Your wife reminds me of me. :cautious:

I was a real big jerk to my partner, just awful, and the big thing was I didn't really know until one day he broke down and cried and told me how much I have hurt him over the years. He is a ridiculously stoic person and, well, my eyes were so closed to the damage I was doing. Its the way of the bully.
So, the one thing I'd like to contribute is ask, if your wife is completely aware of much she is hurting you? I managed to change after waking up to my behavior. Needed a drastic wake up call and the realization that I was incredibly close to completely destroying the best thing I have ever had.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I agree with @Justmehere just because i struggle with it, its not ok. No mental disorder gives us a right to be abusive.

For myself, I cant control it when it gets to a point but I can remove myself from the situation and i also have 2 people pushing hard at my triggers. No excuse, just an explaination.

I did forget to ask if she's in therapy. That is super important and my explosions is why I was forced into therapy and glad i was so if she's not can you use this to maybe gently nudge her that way?

If she is in therapy, she can be taught to feel it coming on and can also be taught to control it completely.

Im sorry, I didnt mean to imply that it was ok to do just because we have PTSD or any mental disorder, was just trying to be fast in explaining what I do.

 

[EveHarrington]

I hate to say it's "normal" for PTSD sufferers as to me that implies that it's par for the course, something we all do, and just needs to be accepted.

But, yes-----these sorts of emotional acts are indeed seen in sufferers, unfortunately.

Is your wife in therapy? Is she working on healing? Is she willing to change?

Remember that even though she has a disorder does not give her license to treat people badly. She is still responsible for her actions. (Of course it is nice when people are understanding about times when we react out of stress, but still this doesn't mean that our PTSD reactions should simply be accepted.)

 

[Random2323]

Not sure what typical PTSD symptoms are as there are so many then there's cormobilty.

I can...

I just looked up BPD and boy does that describe her to a tee. She will never admit it. As soon as you see in her eyes that something like that could be true she boils up and gets real mad. I have started therapy and told her she needs to as well. We will see if she does. We have been down this road before but she just got upset at her therapist and stormed out never to return. I am definitely worried about her and our marriage. i asked to go to therapy together but she refused. If I was there she would have to be honest to her therapist and really take a look. Without me there she can do anything she wants and not deal with recommendations.

 

[Justmehere]

She won't change until she is ready to change, even if you went to her therapy sessions with her.

Marriage counseling is different than going to her session with her, but she had to be willing to go.

All you can do is work in therapy to work on your own part and to communicate the boundaries and needs you have and make any changes you need to make.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I just looked up BPD and boy does that describe her to a tee.

I figured, its seems to be the most common comorbilty with PTSD and BPDer feel emotions in the extremes, emtreme anger, extreme depression, there isnt a middle ground for us. I just started a new medication thats leveling me off a bit to give me a bit more middle ground or emotions arent as extreme.

We also have no abilty to regulate our emotions or tolerate distress thus why DBT is wonderful for BPD. I also cant control my blind rage explosions but was taught to feel it coming a min or 2 before hand so i can remove myself. That helps a ton!

I do agree with @Justmehere she wont change until shes tired of feeling this way and she may be avoiding the trauma, or in denial of the trauma therefore refuses to bring it up in therapy. I went to my therapist every week for a year before he knew why i was really there, but i went every week and i was talking about life stuff, just not past stuff.

I also spent 10 yrs in denial (18 - 28) and only went to therapy at 28 because i was living with my dad at the time and exploding at every little tiny thing and it was the biggest blind rage explosions you can imagine without violence. My dad said go to therapy or move out and i wasnt physically able to work yet so couldnt move out. So glad that i started going though!

You being in the therapy sessions (without her having individual sessions) may make it hard to allow her to open up about trauma but if you guys can get a family therapist, have individual therapy say once a week and then couples therapy together say once a month with same therapist, this allows you to bring up her behavior, which then can be discussed in her individual session and i think eventually she will open up. Also make sure the therapist is the gender shr would ipen up to easier.

If she doesnt, then she truely doesnt want to change (and its not just fear and shame etc stopping her). I cant see a BPDer or a PTSDer (most especially one with both like myself) not wanting to change, its f*cking hell. But if she truely doesnt then if I were you then I would start to think if I want to live, or can live, this way for the rest of my life. Id say an ultimatum might be in order.

Thats hard, I dont want to tell someone to file for a divorce but you also dont deserve abuse if she truely refuses to and doesnt want to change.

 

[hodge]

I really feel for what you are going through, Random. My anger was quite out of control before I sought treatment for PTSD. I even broke up with my husband briefly before we got married. It was a case of, you hurt the ones closest to you. In my case, the anger just came streaming out because I was being confronted with the fact that all kinds of bad stuff happened to me and I never dealt with it, just shoved it behind me and went on with life. That only worked for just so long. Then it just came out and my then-fiance was here and he took the brunt of it. I complained about how he did dishes (even as he was doing the dishes!!) and a bunch of other stuff. I finally got my butt to therapy and learned to deal with my anger so I didn't hurt him anymore. We got back together and have now been happily married for 14 and a half years. It wouldn't have worked if I hadn't resolved to deal with this stuff and find a way to be my naturally easygoing self again, i.e. don't sweat the small stuff.

I am so glad you are in therapy. Your well-being is so important and there is no excuse for anyone to abuse you. I think anyone living with someone with untreated PTSD (and BPD to boot) needs it. I hope and pray your wife finds the courage to work on her own treatment because she desperately needs it. But you can only lead a horse to water . . . please take care of yourself. You can't fix her. She's the only one who can do that.

 

[Random2323]

I really feel for what you are going through, Random. My anger was quite out of control before I sought tr...

What finally brought to admit to yourself that therapy was needed? What was it that helped you see what you were doing. I keep hoping she will come to me and "sorry I was out of control and took it out on you" but she never sees it.

 

[The Albatross]

Something I put up on my profile recently... "When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences"... that goes for PTSD's. At first it's reactive, then it becomes habit, then behavior. When it is allowed to become habitual or behavioral... without boundary setting and pre-emptive consequences... well an untenable situation will usually follow.