My Wife W/ptsd Finds Fault With Everything I Do And Fights

[hodge]

I've been in and out of therapy since I was 15. What brought me to it in 2006 was the fact that I could not deny that something was really wrong with me. I was miserable and making my fiance miserable. I had no idea what it could be, but had always had good experiences in therapy before, so I found someone in the Yellow Pages and went. I was extremely shocked and upset when I was diagnosed with PTSD at that first appointment. However, the more I learned about it, the more it made sense. And it provided a pathway for me to get better.

I still have many rough days, but never take it out on my husband. The worst I do is like today . . . overwhelmed with errands yesterday and work today, so unfortunately he's going to be on his own for dinner tonight, because I really need rest (and making dinner triggers me on bad days). But I make sure we have good food around that he can easily cook on days like this.

I truly hope she reaches that point and gets help. For me, I felt I simply could not go on with the way I felt (and suicide was out of the question) and that's why I sought treatment.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

In my case, the anger just came streaming out because I was being confronted with the fact that all kinds of bad stuff happened to me and I never dealt with it, just shoved it behind me and went on with life. That only worked for just so long. Then it just came out and my then-fiance was here and he took the brunt of it.

That is exactly what happened to me. In denial and pushed it all down for 10 yrs and no one knew anything and then boom, uncontrable blind rage explosions and when its over im so full of shame and guilt and feel so horrible that id cut after.

The brain will auto purge trauma, for me anyway.

 

[mary1979]

It can sometimes just be outdated coping mechanisms that cause the irrational bullying behaviour.

I wouldn't say I picked on my husband in the manner you describe exactly, but I kept him at arms lengths from my heart by always looking for something wrong with him.

Every few days I would decide he had done something offensive. (sometimes an actual small error, other times imagined totally) then I would set about arguing with him, escalating it with each reply (I only ever argue by text, because I'm afraid of other peoples frustration and anger)
Poor man couldn't say a thing right to reassure me.

We realised it was 2 things, firstly i had no trust in him.
I was looking for the thing i just knew was there that would make him like all other men.
And secondly, i didn't know how to deal with calm.
Calm as a child meant unpredictable, as it also did with my kids Dad.
If i was picking the fights, at least i was in control.

 

[EveHarrington]

I advise against looking for the point where the other person is going to have that lightbulb moment where they realize they need help and are finally willing to change.

Everyone's lightbulb moment is different. Some get there quicker than others. Some have to lose everyone and everything. Some have to almost die. And some never get there at all, no matter how bad their lives become.

If you hinge your hopes on her getting to the point where she finally wants help, you may have ended up wasting a lifetime.

I suggest setting strong boundaries for behavior.

If she agrees to get help AND actively works on healing then things may improve. Otherwise you may have to decide if you can live this way for the rest of your life.

 

[Fuma]

My spouse is suffering with PTSD. The issue is that I can never be their for her as she finds fault...

Dear friend, being a wife much like yours, all I can offer is this: I have long battled anxiety and depression, and really put work into hiding it. I never ever thought I could be loved, and so became fiercely independent. One day I met a guy I thought was simply amazing, I really felt strongly attracted in a way I can't describe. Apparently he did also. He was relentless, even after 3 years of my trying to throw him. I just couldn't ever stay away, though, and eventually always found a reasonable excuse to call him. We've now been married nearly 12 years. I now realize my ptsd started when our son was born, 8 1/2 years ago, however other major traumatic experiences compounded it over time. I picked fights, I abused him, I blamed him. I had a negative reaction to everything he did, especially if it was done to help me. In reality, I felt trapped. I felt useless. I felt so weak in myself that I needed to defend and lash out at the easy target. He was there, he was captive, he already knew me so his judgement was easier to take. He was an easy victim to release the life crushing anxiety on. Did he ever deserve it? No. Did he understand? No. Did his defensive actions make it worse for us both? Yes. I could have and should have been left. Divorced. Even arrested. He argued. Retaliated. Left. Came back. We're going on 12 years of marriage. I have found that after all I've been through, all the pain I caused him, and throughout my struggle to get back to me, he has also gone through it all. He stayed for the ride, the whole nasty trip. He has learned and grown as I have, and stuck with it even when I thought he was a fool to stay. He goes with to my appointments, checks in regularly, and unfortunately these last few months has taken on more household responsibilities than he should. I won't ever tell you to stay in an abusive marriage. And I am telling you, women can do serious damage to an honest man. But if you love her, and help her find to right treatment, I can't think of a better ending.

 

[Thizette]

My spouse is suffering with PTSD. The issue is that I can never be their for her as she finds fault...

my relationship: Woman with PTSD perpetually asks forgiveness from man who is bewildered by her erratic behavior.

I was helped a lot by counseling. I still have irrational and misplaced anger directed at my partner sometimes, but I see it for what it is now and I'm able to discuss why it happened, apologize, and do better.

I was pushed into therapy by my ex-husband. He basically told me it was therapy or he's done. He was right to do it, and I went because our relationship was important to me. As a result, I got healthier and our relationship got healthier. Our subsequent divorce was not related to my PTSD, and I'm a bit proud of that. Even if it's hard to bring up, you should definitely set your boundaries and request that she gets help. PTSD is not an excuse to treat people like shit.

 

[Thoughtful Silence]

My spouse is suffering with PTSD. The issue is that I can never be their for her as she finds fault...

This post resonates with me so much I just had to comment. My boyfriend (Marine Corps vet) is the same way. When he's feeling good, I'm the greatest girlfriend in the world, and he goes on about how lucky he is. When he's having an episode (for lack of a better word), he yells about how fat and stupid I am, and how I never do anything right and am just an annoyance in his life. I try to remember it's the PTSD/anxiety/depression/whatever else talking, but it's so hard to not take it to heart. I know first hand how hard it is to deal with. I know what a struggle it is to not let it affect you/the relationship.

I wish I had some great insight for you, but my lack of ability to handle this myself is why I'm here. It has helped tremendously just to know there are others out there having the same experience. It helps to know that it's not him saying those things, and that he really is the wonderful man I see the rest of the time.

I may not be helping you, and I'm sorry for that, but your post really helped me. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When he's having an episode (for lack of a better word),

Its ok to describe that here that way (though I hate the word, thats my issue...as in not your responsiblity) but I thought Id throw it out there (and not saying you do, just advising) as a sufferer, I would avoid saying that to him. Such as "you're going through one of your episodes". I do realize that theres limited words one can use to desrcibe things so Im not 'jumping on you' for using it; just advising (in case you do) that I wouldnt use that word to describe it to him. Thats all. No bad intentions meant and no judgements made. Just advising. :)

he yells about how fat and stupid I am, and how I never do anything right and am just an annoyance in his life. I try to remember it's the PTSD/anxiety/depression/whatever else talking, but it's so hard to not take it to heart.

Thats not PTSD/anxiety/depression/whatever else...or Id say it is only the whatever else if the whatever else is him being a jerk and using his mental disorders to excuse that behavior however PTSD/anxiety/depression/and any other mental disorder doesnt excuse treating others like shit!

Spoiler: Longer verison

My "episode" would be my blind rage explosions; I dont know what Im doing (never been violent towards another) or what im saying but after its over I make sincere appologies to whom was affected by it. I may call one names but Im also screaming and freaking out and it doesnt last long. Usually from the time it goes blind to me to when it stops or slows where I get my senses back is maybe 10 mins at most and thats a high number. Its usually more around 5. Therefore after as much as 10 mins I may call someone a "stupid f*cking bitch" but after its over I appologize for 'going off' and whatever I said during it as I didnt mean any of it. Sometimes its advised to me what I said, sometimes it isnt but blind rage where I dont know what Im doing or saying still doesnt excuse it thus the appology after.

He needs to take responsibity for his behavior and you dont deserve that. Id lay down some boundries if it were me. Like "if you feel the need to be alone, tell me. It hurts me when you say these things and I dont deserve it so if you feel like you may, can we just not be around each other in those times" or "if you have anxiety where everything is going to end up getting on your nerves, can you tell me [or better] can you get a therapist [if he doesnt have one]; talk with your therapist about it [if he does] and maybe get on/adjust your anxiety medication.

Anxiety does, for me, makes my temper high, everything little tends to get on my nerves, i get frustrated easier, yell at everyone where Im told "can you be less demanding or less grumpy" etc and that then makes me aware that my anxiety is high and I either go to my bedroom alone and do some breathing techiques and imagine a metaphor (imagine myself floating in my back on water) or I take an anxeity med.

Baiscally Im advised, when its not blind but I dont regonize what Im doing and then right away act on it, I try to remove myself before exploding in a blind rage, and if I have a blind rage explosion, I appologize sincerely afterwards and for each thing advise I said; so in every way I can, I take reposiblity for it.

I feel it would help you to create boundries as you dont deserve that and he needs to take responsiblity for it, even if he doesnt know he's doing it, he needs to be let known and known that you wont stand for that sort of treatment.

Unsure if he has a therapist but he should get one if not, and discuss it with them if so. I was taught how to feel my explosions coming on a min or 2 before hand so that I can remove myself. Removing myself is my responsiblity. Does that make sense?

 

[Thoughtful Silence]

Oh, believe me... I would NEVER use the word episode in front of him. I just honestly don't know of a better word to call it. I'm open to suggestions and willing to learn, but at this moment I'm unable to come up with something better myself. This is very new to me, so I hope I don't offend anyone reading my post by my use of that word - it's not meant to somehow belittle anyone or downplay their experience at all!

His outbursts at me have gotten better over the year we've been together. He used to rage more often and it would be more like I described above. Then after numerous conversations about his behavior and how he makes me feel when he lashes out, he got better about warning me when something was triggering that response and walking away. It's just been over the past couple of days that it's been really bad again. It might have been the holiday... He triggers when he hears of Veterans who are struggling or who have lost their lives, and of course that's been in focus a lot lately (plus he ran into a veteran at a local store that is going through some tough times, and that definitely didn't help). I plan to talk to him about it when I know that he's feeling more receptive again. Not in a confrontational way, but just to ask him about it and talk it through like we have before.

It was a hard transition for him, going from being single and not worrying about someone being around that he might hurt to being with someone he cares for and wants to protect from that. I know he struggles with that, but he is trying to improve. Not making excuses - I've seen that in him. And he does apologize later, though I have to be careful about talking with him about it because I know he feels ashamed and that makes him want to shut me out. It was just so startling that he reverted to past behavior this weekend, and I felt the need to seek out insight for my own peace of mind.

I WISH he'd consider therapy! He's set on the idea that meds and therapy won't help, because he's tried some before and got no benefit. The meds made him have other issues and the therapy was "just talk". I'm still working on that while trying to not push too much, but I'm not sure if he'll ever try it again. He DOES know, however, that he can't treat me the way he does when things are bad. Just need to figure out for sure why he reverted this weekend send come up with some better coping mechanisms for us both.

 

[Mallaky]

just advising (in case you do) that I wouldnt use that word to describe it to him. Thats all. No bad intentions meant and no judgements made. Just advising. :)

Just a counterpoint: My partner has learned to adress issues exactly that way, and it has really helped us. So, just want to say, it varies from person to person.

 

[Justmehere]

I find "episode" to be a difficult term simply because of how others have used it, but I can see how it could help used in the right way.

I call times of worse symptoms as "PTSD flare ups." But even that can be used in a validating or dismissive way. Context is everything.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I just honestly don't know of a better word to call it. I'm open to suggestions and willing to learn, but at this moment I'm unable to come up with something better myself. This is very new to me, so I hope I don't offend anyone reading my post by my use of that word - it's not meant to somehow belittle anyone or downplay their experience at all!

Oh, I know that. Im sorry, I didnt mean to give out the impression of offence as I didnt feel offended at all. I realize there really is a lack of words to discibe such things but just wanted to advise that it might not go over well said to him. Its awesome that you recongize that!

Sorry if I made you feel bad, that word really is a "me" issue where people have used it against me so that has nothing to do with you using it at all! :hug:

It's just been over the past couple of days that it's been really bad again. It might have been the holiday... He triggers when he hears of Veterans who are struggling or who have lost their lives, and of course that's been in focus a lot lately (plus he ran into a veteran at a local store that is going through some tough times, and that definitely didn't help).

Ah, Memorial Day; yes, Im sure a hard day for a veteran and then a brother veteran on need; yeah, I can see the triggers there.

Im not a veteran but I have my "holidays" that trigger me to a point of almost non-functioning so I get that totally.

to talk to him about it when I know that he's feeling more receptive again. Not in a confrontational way, but just to ask him about it and talk it through like we have before.

Yeah, Id wait a bit longer where he's not as reactive and would be more receptive. You are doing great! Sounds like you understand things so well!

Not making excuses - I've seen that in him. And he does apologize later, though I have to be careful about talking with him about it because I know he feels ashamed and that makes him want to shut me out. It was just so startling that he reverted to past behavior this weekend, and I felt the need to seek out insight for my own peace of mind.

You arent making excuses, you are regongizing his triggers, in my opinion, and seeing how he feels is also something thats wonderful. Certianly, I can identify with feeling so bad that I take it out on myself and to push that person away.

It may go away on its own of the trigger was the holiday (I didnt think of that as im not a veteran so sometimes can overlook what a veteran might have issues with). But with some time past it, you may see it starting to go away on its own without you saying anything.

I WISH he'd consider therapy! He's set on the idea that meds and therapy won't help, because he's tried some before and got no benefit. The meds made him have other issues and the therapy was "just talk".

I wish he'd give another therapist a try. Is there any soft way that you can advise that not all therapist are the same and there are bad and good ones and softly nudge him in that direction?

PTSD can be managed without therapy and meds but I personally wouldnt be able to. I think it helps to gain better coping skills.



There's two books (the first one I own) that might help you and @Random2323

This helps the sufferer and supporter (and the one I own):

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And then this one, in the supporter area, they call in "the supporter bible":

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