My world just exploded!

[lostforgottensoul]

I meant "have you explained your situation" to your doctors.

Oh, sorry. No. I mean my therapist is the only one that could help with anything and the first time I can see him (or any Dr), due to work, is the week of the 24th. The 24th is my pain dr (which cannot be moved or canceled) and my therapist is scheduled the 25th but I cannot see him on the 25th as, either car needs to go into my name on that day and doing so takes all day in the tax collector's office (tag/title place). It is take a number and wait 4 hrs and a line close to ones in Disney. Its worse then the DMV by far.

I thought to call and see if I can move it to the 24th, later in the day. I doubt he will have openings. He is booked for months or at least a month soild. So having an opening in a week is super doubtful. And I am worried about needing to do something that day and worried about money since my pain Dr alone will likely take the entire $750 Charter pays and if not, the Seriquel, which will need to be filled in about a week and a half, will take the rest. My therapist is $125 a session. When I had insurence holes he has seen me half price but that isnt the case now.

Speaking of which, I need to call them and give them my insurence info as my pain Dr had a super hard time finding the plan and finding out that they take that plan. Its very weirdly named on the card. Cigna Choice Fund OA Plus. So, though they take Cigna, they don't take all Cigna plans.

Anyway, my point is, it's a $1500 deductable, $750/$750 so I need to be prepared to start paying out a lot of money until I reach $750 due to how much money both the pain dr and seriquel are. Chater's half will be eaten up quickly. So, can I pay $125 on the 24th, if they can move the appointment? Can I risk spending that? That's the reality of it and as bad as I need to see my therapist, if they can't move the appointment then it can't happen anyway. It's 3pm but if I cannot finish at the tax collector in enough time, then I cannot make it. Do I risk having to pay a $60 no show or same day cancelation? He recently waived one of those for me because I had the time wrong so did show up but it was an hour late. I don't want to take a chance and then ask him to waive it a second time. Especially if I know I may not make it ahead of time. Can they move it later? Maybe but its another maybe/maybe not sort of thing. And asking him to waive another fee, when that price is shared amoung all the front staff when I know ahead of time is too much in my book.

We went down on the price again to $1800. Closer to where I wanted to start the price but they said, no, start it at $2100 and then only went down to $1990 and just as I thought, no one inquieries because it was priced way too high. There is still room for negoiations at $1800 and even $1700. The guy I bought it from priced it at $1600.

Very suspiciously she wanted the insurence policy #. I asked her to not take my car off right now as I need to make sure there is insurence on it in the event I need to drive it in an emergency and she said nothing would change until Aug. Then why do you need that info now?

By the way, Aug 2nd is my dad's birthday. Florida uses your birthday as to when your car needs to be renewed. Thus why we only have a week. They are trying to resolve all of this before his birthday...before the cars need to be renewed. They picked the 24th & 25th as that is the first business days I have off of work. Why I can't also have the 31st and 1st I dont know.

My brother is flying in the 26th, and as I thought she asked if he could spend the night here. I said ok, as long as he doesn't pet or interact with Chopper since he is training to he a service dog and she said "I thought service dogs are trained to be around a lot of people" and they do, but are trained to ignore those people and 100% focus on their handler. Petting causes the dog to then start to seek attention from others. The hands off policy is helping that a lot. If he pets Chopper it won't be the end of the world but it would be helpful if he just ignored him completely. She gets all up tight over the smallest shit! Basically, she now knows more then me about service dogs. :rolleyes:

Will have to pick him up from the airport and I am not too worried about him staying here otyer then my house being trashed. To them, I am nasty and lazy. If he seperates from his wife, he is way more reasonable, way more empathic, way more realistic, way more human. Them together and forget it.

I have called my mechanic. He didn't answer and voicemail is full so sent him a text. Not sure he gets text but will call back to back until I get him.

I also sent my dad's friend a text explaining the situation, giving him the Craigs List add asking him to tell everyone he knows and then asking him if I am short on the loan if I can borrow up to $800. I doubt he will loan me that much (or any money) but I also advised we can get payment in writing and I am ok with an auto draft to ensure payment. I also just told my sister in law that I am ok with an auto draft as well. If they loan me the money that is. She said "well, lets hope for $1800". Not sure if they are bad with math or what as $2000 to $1800 is $3800, the loan is $4100 plus another $200 for tags and title and then another $100 for insur. Best case seniaro I will be short $600. Worse case is my car sells for $1500 and I am $900 short. So, I guess we will see. I don't think buying out the loan will work. They wont give me time due to his birthday being 8/2. They dont want it renewing in his name. But, if his friend can loan me a few hundred, maybe my brother and his wife will take care of the rest? I dont know and not knowing is f*cking with me! She said he has a one way plane ticket and will take my dad's car back if mine doesn't sell and take a rental car back if it does. But, does that mean I will have more time? A week isn't more time. A few months is more time. Enough time to save more from my paychecks, work some OT and get paid for it, etc.

Maybe if they give me the other week I can have a different cat bought.

God, I just want this car sold and have enough for my dad's car or another car or put my car in my name. I just want this settled either way. I dont want to keep my car longer but still, I will. My brother said he would help me get a another car if I can't buy dad's but he is flying down on a day I work and will only be here a day so I have no idea how he plans to do that. The reality is he won't.

If my car sells and I am short on the loan and can't find the money, I'm f*cked. Maybe they will give me that last week to find another car?

I just want all of this to stop! :arghh;

ETA: I just asked her that if my car sells but sells for way less and I am too short on the loan, could I have the 31st & the 1st to find another car to buy.

I also advised I wanted to buy out the loan no matter what but only having 2 grand, very expensive medical things, my own bills, and only a week, it may not work. I asked couldn't I buy out the loan even if it renews in his name. That I know the goal is to bot allow it to renew in his name but if it did, couldn't I still buy out the loan.

To both of those text she responded with she was busy and we would talk later.

Ugh!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yeah, hit my "f*ck you/go to hell" meter today! Not sure why it took this long but I'm there!

The A/C stopped working in the SUV so texted to sister in law to tell her and told her it was the blower. Up to now we have been on "ok-ish" speaking terms but I always found it super fishy on why she was being so nice to me. I know what she thinks about me and I know her, she hasn't changed. Nothing can change her! She texted back "and...so what?" Which came off as completely bitch faced to me! I said "I just wanted to let you know in case my car doesn't sell and it goes back to dad". All she said back is "[my brother] said to make sure to clean out your stuff from the SUV this weekend". First off, no f*cking shit? Like I didn't know he would be here the 26th to take it back! And secondly, "I will help you find another car to buy before I take it back" my ass! Its a week away, no one has contacted me about the car so they expect me to just put it in my name and he is just coming here to get my dad shit, take it, and leave.

God, I am so fuming! Its more then this. Its them controling me again and having shit over my head again and being their puppet again. My brother made it out like he was going to help get me in a better car no matter what and that was all complete bullshit!

I guess I am hurt too. That my brother could careless what happens to me. I had a plan. I was saving money. I asked my sister in law about buying his car in a few months and she said "you can't save money with your bills and your rent increasing". Oh, so you know my budget? Personally? Because, last I looked I am being paid $2 more an hour and the $200 cable bill is gone. I am so glad they know my finaces better then I do!

But, I had a plan. My dad was moving in Oct and I was going to have a new car by then. I would have him and his car if mine died again and I could take that time saving for a new car. Using his rent, I could have bought a much better car. It was the plan. But no, they had to go rip that all out from under me.

Whatever. I guess I will take this paycheck and try to buy the best car I can for $2500 (or $2000 after I put my car & insur into my name). Its all I have. Cant use any money by selling my car now as I cannot be without one but if I wait too much longer, I will be stranged on the side of the road again and this time will likely be it.

Oh, I never answered her text. Its my "go f*ck you" time. Can't say that right now but my silence says a lot!

ETA: I am more hurt that my dad would do this to me. Very, VERY, hurt. He and I's relationship is beyond repair at this point. Sadly, I doubt I will ever speak to him again.

The last one. Finally gone....

 

[scout86]

I'm not sure what I'm about to say is going to be real helpful, but I'm going to try anyway.

so texted to sister in law to tell her

Remember what I said awhile back about staying off her radar screen and how what they probably want most is for things to be simple and uncomplicated. Regardless of what you INTENDED, what she more than likely HEARD was a problem. It probably would have been better to sit on this until it really presented itself as an issue. Because it might not have. I'm not saying she's 'right', just that this was kind of predictable.

Here's another painful truth. Other people often don't care about your plans. (Or mine, or anyone's other than their own.) It would be nice if that was different, especially when 'family' is concerned, but a lot of people are just looking out for themselves and that's the way it is. It's not necessarily that they're out to get YOU, they are just looking out for themselves & you happen to be in the way.

You had a plan. Now you need another one. You frequently tell us that "that's the way your brain works". Turns out it's a good thing, huh? The plan to go buy the best car you can for the money you've got sounds reasonable. Talk to your mechanic. Consider the possibility that you might be able to trade your car in on the deal and both get rid of your car and get a somewhat better car.

You don't actually know that your dad had anything to do with this, do you? From what you've said, it sounds like your brother & SIL have taken control of his life and affairs. There's a chance he has no clue what's going on. Sadly, there's also a chance that he wouldn't stand up to them, even if he wanted to, but I wouldn't write him off completely until you know for sure.

I am really and truly sorry your life is so complicated right now. That's part of the downside of being poor and losing the parent lottery I guess. Learn from the experience and don't let it, or them derail you. Just keep doing your problem solving thing, but work on learning when NOT to speak up.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Regardless of what you INTENDED, what she more than likely HEARD was a problem.

No, she's just a selfish, hurtful, harmful, manipulative bitch as she's always been. We've been doing nothing but small talking all weekend. Why would I think this A/C issue (which stopped once before and she didn't say something smartass then when I texted her about it - because my car selling was an option then) would be any different?

Not sure when I will learn. Each and everytime I have tried to get my foot into the door to be on speaking terms with my brother, I get hurt, badly. Each f*cking time. I have tried now, in 13 yrs, about 8 seperate times. Its just been many years now all due to my therapist. Whom I so badly miss right now!

From what you've said, it sounds like your brother & SIL have taken control of his life and affairs. There's a chance he has no clue what's going on.

Maybe but a POA isn't there to control someone of sound mind, which he is!

Sadly, there's also a chance that he wouldn't stand up to them, even if he wanted to, but I wouldn't write him off completely until you know for sure.

This would be completey correct if he could ever see any harm in what they do or say. Its seriously like my brother walks on gold. I don't get it. Ok, only son, so what? It doesn't make sense to me at all to allow it to this extreme!

but I wouldn't write him off completely until you know for sure.

Sadly it doesn't really matter much anymore as I have to go through my sister in law to get to him. My brother never answers his work phone for me. So, sadly I don't think it will matter. And it wont anyway as she is very good at what she does. Brainwashed he will soon become if not already. They are orchestrating his divorce all over the fact that my step mom won't go to rehab. What the f*ck does it matter, rehab or not, if she stops taking the pills either way?

You had a plan. Now you need another one. You frequently tell us that "that's the way your brain works". Turns out it's a good thing, huh? The plan to go buy the best car you can for the money you've got sounds reasonable. Talk to your mechanic. Consider the possibility that you might be able to trade your car in on the deal and both get rid of your car and get a somewhat better car.

Yes, I know but it all just hurts. Thats the only word I can find for it. It just plain hurts.

Probably a long time from processing all of this. But I have always been on my own and made it. I will make it again. Its not that at all. It really has little to do with the cars and the plans and more to do with them, my family, and yet again putting myself in a position to be hurt by them again.

 

[scout86]

No, she's just a selfish, hurtful, harmful, manipulative bitch as she's always been

All of that may or may not be true. If it's true, it just makes what I said more reasonable. She's concerned about how stuff affects HER and HER plans. She doesn't want to hear "problems". If anything, she wants to hear "solutions". (Kind of like a boss.) When confronted with a 'problem' an awful lot of people respond by lashing out at the person who brought it to their attention.

yet again putting myself in a position to be hurt by them again.

Sooooooo, is there a reason, that I've missed along the way, that would suggest something has changed and you have reasons to expect different responses from them?

Sometimes people change. We all hope that's true, because, at least a bunch of us, are working on changing ourselves. But it takes a lot of work and rarely happens spontaneously. Sometimes, we read people wrong and go on to find that out. There ARE reasons why it might be reasonable to change your expectations of people. But, it's not reasonable to expect random changes, just because it would be nice.

There's a ton of dysfunction in your family, obviously. You're seeing it through the lens of your own experiences, which is the only way you can see it. They are all looking at it their own way too. That's the way this works. Now that I think about it, it's the map thing my T is always talking about. "We all have our own road maps of reality. They are different. They are all more, or less, accurate. But none of them are reality, they are just maps." (He says that a lot of different ways and is quoting someone else when he does it.) The point is, we all see the world the way we know how to see it. The fact that we see things in a certain way doesn't make our version of reality "right". It just makes it the map we have and are operating by. It's good to look for evidence you can use to update the map and make it more accurate. Everyone else is doing the same thing. (Except that a lot of people aren't concerned with accuracy.) When maps differ widely, conflicts happen.

I have absolutely no idea how anyone else in this situation is looking at things, or how accurate their maps are. (I'm thinking it's fairly likely the answer to that is "not very accurate at all" combined with a determination to continue seeing things the way they already do, but that's an opinion and a guess, not a fact.)

Sorry, that probably seems like rambling! Where I'm going with all that is, any time you count on these people for anything, you are pretty much setting yourself up to be disappointed. That's not likely to change. It's in your own best interest, I think, to just count on them to look out for themselves. When "their best interest" and "your best interest" coincide, you can count on them. Otherwise, they're going to go on being who they have always been.

Right now, there are some ways they can make things better or worse for you. If you don't piss them off, they are more likely to be helpful, but that's not a guarantee. If you piss them off, it's pretty much a slam dunk they won't behave in a way that's at all helpful to you.

I'm not sure what the deal is with your dad. When I got my will drawn up, my lawyer stressed that, once you've drawn up a POA, the people named in it can use it, if they have access to it, whether you're competent or not, whether you want them to or not. You can revoke it, but until then, they can use it. So, if you dad decided to give your brother and his wife POA, it doesn't matter if he's competent, or what he wants. Until he does something to revoke it, they can manage his affairs how ever they want. One of the things I wonder about with your dad is if he somehow feels more comfortable with other people running his life. I don't KNOW, obviously. But, your mother sounds like she was the kind of person who'd call the shots. He seems comfortable moving in to those kinds of situations. It sounds like he lets people tell him what to do fairly easily. So, maybe this is an ongoing problem with him? Part of HIS 'road map'? (Something he'd be noticing and working on, in a perfect world.) Which leads me to think he just doesn't have it in him to stand up to people and do what he thinks is right. For reasons of his own. There are a LOT of possible reasons someone might think that way. I have no idea what the truth is with him. What I'm saying is, because of his own issues, it's quite possible that how he behaves has more to do with his own issues than it has to do with how he feels about you or what he believes is the 'right' way to treat you. So, it's possible that he loves you and wants to help you out, but somehow doesn't believe it's ok for him to defy others and do that. I don't KNOW that that's what's going on, it just seems like one possibility. I don't think it's "right", or "good", or "fair" or any of that. I just think it might be fairly accurate.

I'm continuing to hope for the best for you! It ain't over till it's over.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sooooooo, is there a reason, that I've missed along the way, that would suggest something has changed and you have reasons to expect different responses from them?

Nope. Just a father that kept on me about talking to my brother again and a sister that encouraged this communication. But, nope, nothing changed to expect different responses.

any time you count on these people for anything, you are pretty much setting yourself up to be disappointed.

I don't count on them or wasn't. I was forced to communucate with them again and I guess....I am feeling very young at the moment and I feel like I am a kid that just had her daddy abandon her and her whole world just got toren to pieces. Only way I can explain this. I've wrote that first part on first break but had to go back to work and when I was walking in, I felt super young and well, I don't, I think it has way more to do with my dad really. That and my brother. A reminder just how he feels about me and how he doesn't care about me.

I have no idea if I am making any sense. This is all so confusing for me. My feelings are switching back & forth as is my brain. Almost like adult me saying "I need to do this and this and this to take care of the car and bills and all this adult stuff" and my "inner child", I guess, saying "no, but this is how I feel", fighting back and forth. If that makes any sense. So, I am all over the place right now. I'm sorry. This is probably a diary thing. It helps to have the back & forth I think though as I think its sort of working this all loose. Its more a therapy thing but theres nothing I can do about that right now...

 

[scout86]

You're making sense. And I think both of the 'sides' you're experiencing are legitimate. You have to deal with both.

Other people might see this differently than I do. My thought is that that "inner child" part you're talking about still imagines 'family' as being the idealised version we'd all like to have had, but that rarely exists.

When it comes right down to it, everyone deals with something. Some stuff is harder, some not so much. Your dad & the rest of your family have been shaped by life and genetics, just like you have. (The biggest difference being YOU get that you have stuff to work on and they might not.) But, they have limitations that keep them from being who you might wish they were.

 

[Justmehere]

I think this is where the DBT skill of "radical acceptance" is probably going to help a lot moving forward. This isn't the skill of radical agreement with your family or to condone their actions at all. It is to instead accept the situation for what it is, and to respond accordingly with what you are going to do with you and your life to move forward and out of this mess.

It's painful to face the reality of a dysfunctional family of origin continuing to be dysfunctional. You are super focused on so many plans... but they are mostly plans that involve trying to change your family members actions into what they should be, and being let down and again and again.

You keep trying to change them, and getting you nothing but more hurt and pain.

Radical acceptance is like when someone knows a hurricane is coming, and instead of just lamenting at the winds and trying to change the weather, they respond to the storm by accepting that it is what it is, and preparing for the storm and protecting themselves while they get through it. I find radical acceptance much harder to do with relationships and especially families, because they are not as innocent as a storm, but it can be all the more helpful and effective in getting to the other side with less harm.

Let me walk through a few examples:

No, she's just a selfish, hurtful, harmful, manipulative bitch as she's always been. We've been doing nothing but small talking all weekend. Why would I think this A/C issue (which stopped once before and she didn't say something smartass then when I texted her about it - because my car selling was an option then) would be any different?

I'm not saying she is a good person, but there are different interpretations possible here. You notified her of a problem she may have to deal with when she takes possession of the car, she responded with what needed to be done so that they could take possession of the car. Who knows, she might have been thinking it would be a solution to you... none of us are in her head. What is really clear is that YOU recognize this is how she is, this is how she has always been, and that she isn't going to change. You keep trying to push her to change and it's time to take an honest assessment of how it working for you to go to her and your other family members for help and support. I'd even seriously make a list of costs and consequences of what it looks like to rely on them. You can keep trying to rely on them, and putting yourself out there to depend on these folks, knowing they will let you down. Where does that get you? More chaos and struggle and pain - things you do not deserve. I think you will instead be a lot more effective at getting through this with less harm by trying something new and applying radical acceptance of who they are, and how they will be, as you make your plans to move forward.

Maybe but a POA isn't there to control someone of sound mind, which he is!

@scout89 is right on about this. It really doesn't matter if they are of sound mind or not, he signed it, and they now have the power. It was his choice and freedom to do so, and he gave the rights to others, and that reality has to be dealt with now. I would add that if someone of sound mind signs a POA, maybe they are not of such sound mind after all... Either way, you can't change it. You can keep trying to fight this reality, but where will that get you? Frustrated and distracted from planning the most effective way to get through this storm.

They are orchestrating his divorce all over the fact that my step mom won't go to rehab. What the f*ck does it matter, rehab or not, if she stops taking the pills either way?

Addiction isn't just abuse of a substance. Addiction is a whole set of behaviors that often continue for some time even when someone is sober, unless they get help and make serious life changes. In fact, you post about her blame shifting behavior and other common behaviors for recovering addicts... and you complain anyone would suggest, let alone require, treatment for her behavioral health? How is this effort to try to change your father's boundary really working out for you?

You are SO focused on the opposite of radical acceptance, but instead trying to change everyone else. You are now are getting upset that someone would require treatment for someone who exhibits behaviors that even you complain about. It's not actually changing anything for you, except increasing your levels of distress, to advocate against her being required to getting help.

Plus, this is a decision that your father made about what he needed to be MARRIED to her. It's his life to choose what to do with his commitment of marriage. Period. Right, wrong, good, bad, it's a bright and clear boundary was set by your father. If he is of sound mind, as you claim, then he can make his own decisions about his life. This boundary has been clear for some time now. It's not a surprise anymore. If someone backs off a major boundary like that, that's a very strong message in the wrong direction. It lets her know that your father didn't really mean it, and she can wiggle her way out of every consequence and getting treatment for the reasons that compelled her to become addicted in the first place.

It wouldn't really help you or anyone else in the long run for her to continue to avoid rehab, or for your father to change his boundaries about his marriage. It would just drag on this chaos. It would mean he is dragged into enabling her again, which would drive the entire family system into greater stress, chaos, dysfunction, etc.

Most importantly, You can't change it, and even trying is backfiring, and I think you know this.

Its seriously like my brother walks on gold. I don't get it. Ok, only son, so what? It doesn't make sense to me at all to allow it to this extreme!

It's a common pattern in dysfunctional families to have one person become the golden child and another become the scapegoat. It typically gets worse under stress... so I'd expect this to happen pretty strongly while everyone tries to navigates the stress of this divorce and her refusal to get treatment for her stuff. It's not ok, it's horrible and wrong to scapegoat someone, and I can really relate to the pain of being scapegoated. You can keep fighting for it to not happen and fail, or you can accept that this is likely going to get worse, not better for awhile, and prepare accordingly.

Yes, I know but it all just hurts. Thats the only word I can find for it. It just plain hurts.

Probably a long time from processing all of this. But I have always been on my own and made it. I will make it again. Its not that at all. It really has little to do with the cars and the plans and more to do with them, my family, and yet again putting myself in a position to be hurt by them again.

This is where I think your focus needs to be. The cars, money, etc, and so many things could change but it wouldn't actually change the real issues. There are some major losses occurring for you in all of this. Some are material, and time will show what is temporary and not, but in the end, it does hurt. Trying to escape that pain by changing everyone else isn't going to really lessen the pain of what this all is like to grieve the family you never had, and still do not have. It's really is so hard to face this pain, but the more that you can begin to face this pain, the sooner I think you will be able to find healthy relief and healing from it. :hug: :hug: :hug:

I am really and truly sorry your life is so complicated right now. That's part of the downside of being poor and losing the parent lottery I guess. Learn from the experience and don't let it, or them derail you. Just keep doing your problem solving thing, but work on learning when NOT to speak up.

^^^This.

When it comes down to it, your family is like the storm, only even more predictable. You know what to expect. I really encourage you to try to apply radical acceptance and let go of changing them, and instead focus on how you can make plans to get through this the best that you can.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Justmehere, I'll have to sit with all of that. I haven't really seen it as me trying to change them but rather hoping it has changed, if that makes sense. It took 3 yrs to back away from them orginally. 3 years. Thats a long time. Its not easy and I still today have no clue how I did it (so that I could follow the same path and do it again). Earlier in it all, I would describe it more of me trying to mold myself into what they wanted. Just as unhealthy but I have never really seen it as me trying to change them but rather me trying to change me to fit what they wanted. Which, obviously, wasn't possible and not healthy. Today, I don't know. It feels like a tornado. I can't really make much sense out of it.

About addicts, I got clean, twice, without rehab. The first time off coke & crack and the 2nd off duster. I am pro rehab for my step mom, but, she's stuck. Shes in a whole other State with her son, whom is the biggest judgemental person (or the most hard ass) about it all. I suppose, now that I think about it, the avenue they are taking isn't the best without rehab as she is now on Medicaid which she couldn't get here as its not expanded in Florida. This leaves her open to a pain Dr. That could be both good and bad depending on what they are doing with that. If she is on stronger or the same pills and he is just holding them like I did, that isnt good. He told his therapist (according to my step mom) and, according to her before she left, is taking the advise they gave. Whatever that is.

I don't care if my dad divorces her. I do care if he is being controled by my brother and his wife. On one hand, I can see it as his choice and none of my business, but on the other hand I know the history of how my sister in law controled my entire family. I have seen that exact sort of manipulation before and that was my mom & my step dad. My sister in law acts exactly like my mother and that concerns me when it comes to my dad.

But, either way, it is what it is and I do need to move on from this. Like I said, it has little to do with the cars and more to do with abandonment, I think. I can put my car in my name and buy another car. Though, it can die and I can be stuck, I don't see that as my issue here. I think that may be the projected focus. Being pissed off is easy for me. Being hurt isn't. And thats what I think is coming to the surface more and more as time goes on. And I am not sure how to radically accept it. But, like I said, I will need to sit on it for a while. Im home now, so, like always I was numb earlier when I was at work and now that I am home, I'm not and I feel myself running from the hurt and I am unsure why or how to stop running from it but I can feel that this is super deep. I think its going to be a while of unraveling this but my old coping mechanisims are coming back so I can tell I am trying to escape rather then to face it. Not on purpose, of course.

And, now I feel like I am talking around it. I dont know if I am just going in circles or what. Its much like a tornado or a under toe in the water, I have no idea which way is up at this point so I appologize. Im trying...

 

[joeylittle]

When you texted her to tell her the A/C had died, do you remember what the impulse was in the moment?

I'd imagine you were frustrated, because you've talked about how hard the heat is for you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'd imagine you were frustrated, because you've talked about how hard the heat is for you.

I didn't tell her how hard the heat is for me as I knew she wouldn't care and with talking to her, I try to keep my struggles out out of any convo we have.

When you texted her to tell her the A/C had died, do you remember what the impulse was in the moment?

My emotional impulse or? I think I posted it as it was just after but I jumped straight to rage. Some "f*ck you too" thinking. But, rage disguised the real feeling though, I think. Which, again, was more hurt that she didn't didn't give a f*ck about me but also made it super obvious.

I can feel a stark difference between this entire time up to this weekend and now. My car selling and me buying out the loan was an option so they were both nicer. Oddly nicer. Then, when it didn't sell they went straight to cutting me off, business only sort of stuff. Its being used when I had stupid hope things had changed. Again.

I would have never given them this chance on my own. I was launched into this and fell for it again and that fact pisses me off as I f*cking know better. I've only been down this road a bazillon times starting at age 19. I knew better!

 

[joeylittle]

My emotional impulse or?

Yes - when you texted her, before you had her response.