To be honest, I don’t know whether I’m here to vent, or to be there for someone who feels similarly to how I feel.
I’m a first responder. I’ll leave it at that. I’ve had plenty of hard calls, but there are a few that stick out in my mind. A dead three month old little girl. A nameless 20 year old kid left to die in a field by his “friends” days before his 21st birthday. A 25 year old woman, 6 months pregnant who took her own life.
This year, a day before Thanksgiving I was off duty. I heard an accident from down the road; a big boom followed by loud screams. I immediately went in the direction of the sounds of peril. 6 people are injured, some worse than others, and I’m the only trained professional on scene. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed in my life. I assessed the situation and directed my attention to one individual in particular who is in the driver’s seat of one of the vehicles. It’s on it’s side, several yards from where it was T-boned. He was a 17 year old who is making sounds that I can still hear in my dreams. He’s stuck, I can’t get him out, I have no tools, and I have no way of helping this poor boy. His 23 year old cousin had already passed before I could do anything. I checked once, twice, twenty times. I couldn’t find any signs of life. I went back to the 17 year old and just held him as his life started to slip away.
Finally more help arrives, it had only been 15 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. I handed his care to the crew getting on scene and turned my sights on the rest of the patients. I assessed them and helped them get out of their vehicles. No one else had fatal injuries. The 17 year old lasted long enough to make it to the hospital.
A family lost two of their boys. They’ll experience their first Christmas without them this year. Thanksgiving is ruined for them. Their families are broken from such a tragedy.
I quickly discovered that these boys were the family of a friend of mine. I was one of the last people they were in contact with while they were alive, and I couldn’t do anything to help. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame for that night. The family reached out and thanked me. They said their gratitude is unfathomable that I was there in the last moments; that it was a comfort to know they weren’t alone when it happened. My heart is broken for them. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get passed this when the tragedy happened so close to home. Both literally and figuratively, the tragedy struck close to home.
I’ve had dreams about them. The most recent one was the worst. In the dream I arrive on scene, the road is clear, and I can hear both of the boys inside the car. I’m trying to get to them but my body is moving through molasses-like air. When I finally get to the car they’re both dead. As I’m struggling to get their bodies out they both spring back to life, grabbing ahold of my clothes, and limbs. I’m struggling to get away, but the more I struggling the harder they grasp at me. The’re pulling me into the car. As I try to pull away they both start weeping, and moaning at their pain. I can’t get away and finally as I’m suffocating under the weight of everything, I wake up.
As I said before, I don’t know why I’m here, but I know that I’m here for a reason.
Thank you for listening, and God Bless.
I’m a first responder. I’ll leave it at that. I’ve had plenty of hard calls, but there are a few that stick out in my mind. A dead three month old little girl. A nameless 20 year old kid left to die in a field by his “friends” days before his 21st birthday. A 25 year old woman, 6 months pregnant who took her own life.
This year, a day before Thanksgiving I was off duty. I heard an accident from down the road; a big boom followed by loud screams. I immediately went in the direction of the sounds of peril. 6 people are injured, some worse than others, and I’m the only trained professional on scene. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed in my life. I assessed the situation and directed my attention to one individual in particular who is in the driver’s seat of one of the vehicles. It’s on it’s side, several yards from where it was T-boned. He was a 17 year old who is making sounds that I can still hear in my dreams. He’s stuck, I can’t get him out, I have no tools, and I have no way of helping this poor boy. His 23 year old cousin had already passed before I could do anything. I checked once, twice, twenty times. I couldn’t find any signs of life. I went back to the 17 year old and just held him as his life started to slip away.
Finally more help arrives, it had only been 15 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. I handed his care to the crew getting on scene and turned my sights on the rest of the patients. I assessed them and helped them get out of their vehicles. No one else had fatal injuries. The 17 year old lasted long enough to make it to the hospital.
A family lost two of their boys. They’ll experience their first Christmas without them this year. Thanksgiving is ruined for them. Their families are broken from such a tragedy.
I quickly discovered that these boys were the family of a friend of mine. I was one of the last people they were in contact with while they were alive, and I couldn’t do anything to help. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame for that night. The family reached out and thanked me. They said their gratitude is unfathomable that I was there in the last moments; that it was a comfort to know they weren’t alone when it happened. My heart is broken for them. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get passed this when the tragedy happened so close to home. Both literally and figuratively, the tragedy struck close to home.
I’ve had dreams about them. The most recent one was the worst. In the dream I arrive on scene, the road is clear, and I can hear both of the boys inside the car. I’m trying to get to them but my body is moving through molasses-like air. When I finally get to the car they’re both dead. As I’m struggling to get their bodies out they both spring back to life, grabbing ahold of my clothes, and limbs. I’m struggling to get away, but the more I struggling the harder they grasp at me. The’re pulling me into the car. As I try to pull away they both start weeping, and moaning at their pain. I can’t get away and finally as I’m suffocating under the weight of everything, I wake up.
As I said before, I don’t know why I’m here, but I know that I’m here for a reason.
Thank you for listening, and God Bless.
