Naming and understanding multiple emotions

[MrMoonlight]

I have therapy today so..

Nervous > Threatened > Fearful
I know she is going to want to do more fire emdr work.

 

[shimmerz]

Despair --> Powerless --> Sad

I was actually looking for Hopeless on the wheel but couldn't find it. I woke up this morning wanting to die. That's not normal for me. After much thought, I realized that my wanting to die was actually a feeling of hopelessness. I mean it isn't like I look forward to dying. I just can't keep up with this hope.smash cycle that has been chronic for me. Not certain how to get back to calm.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Man I relate so deeply to what you said shimmerz. I hope you were able to stabilize a bit from this morning, feeling like that is soul draining.

 

[shimmerz]

So there is some sort of 'feeling' I get when I have been 'up' too much that tells me to lie down. I think that is a phantom feeling though.

Interesting that this hasn't been an issue this week. Reading over these posts, I don't even remember noticing this. It just stopped though.

Today was a disaster. So bad that I had to call a friend and ask to come over. I havent ever done that since I moved in here. Except for the night the power outage happened.

It has been a really intense week and today I literally felt like I was losing my mind when I was in a dollar store here in town.

Out of control --> Stressed --> Bad
Overwhelmed --> Stressed --> Bad
^ But way worse than that. And honestly, I can't find words on the wheel that cover what happened today the waves of 'something that I can't find the proper names for' feelings.

But what I do know is that once I left the store I kept having --- not flashbacks --- or at least not the kind I am used to --- so maybe they are. And I recall this stuff happening to me before but they seem slowed down enough right now to be able to see what happened. No idea if that makes sense at all.

Anyway, these flashes weren't necessarily flashes with a common denominator insofar as I can tell. But I recall thinking earlier in the evening that they were memories and feelings about what happened AFTER all of the stuff I posted about re the ex b-i-l.

Feelings that came up? I think I can't break it down anymore than the core feelings on this one. Perhaps that is what overwhelmed is? Anyway, core feelings on the wheel are:
Disgusted
Sad
With some Disrespectful thrown in there.

So yeah, I just noticed tonight that the middle ones on the wheel will be really helpful when trying to identify something but not actually being able to pinpoint what the specific feeling was.

Tonight? Like now?
I actually have waves of wanting to die. That hasn't happened for a while. I am really not sure what is happening here.
Overwhelmed --> Anxious --> Fearful
Exposed --> Threatened --> Fearful
Helpless --> Scared --> Fearful BUT for some reason and this really isn't going to make sense, but I can feel it -- I actually wouldn't have guessed at these feelings -
Fearful
Scared
I definitely feel Threatened -- Exposed -- and Helpless when I feel these waves of wanting to die.

But the words aren't quite strong enough on the wheel
I don't feel anxious I feel panicked
I don't feel helpless I feel hopeless
I don't feel scared or fearful I feel terrified

But here is the thing. I am in a store acting totally normally (mind/body split for SURE) as I am feeling my mind swimming with waves of needing to leave my body. That must be the feeling I get before dissociation and because I am not dissociating anymore I am able to pull myself back before I 'go off'.

And that is leading to the flashbacks (slow flashbacks?). And the flashbacks are helping to give me words --- this happened --- and this happened --- and this happened -- and this .....

That's what they are for in this case. To help me dissect the bigger feeling that I was having in the store.
This is disturbing me. I don't know what this is about.

 

[shimmerz]

Disturbed. I am really freaking disturbed by something tonight. I don't know what. I have had that feeling about 3 times over the past week. It seems to be getting stronger and stronger each time I get it. It is making me have to choke back the desire to
1. Bolt out of here, which is a thing of mine but hasn't been for a while. Scary.
2. Crawl out of my skin. Which is something I haven't had to worry about for some time.

And disturbed isn't on the freaking wheel either. It's like -- no wonder I could never FEEL these feelings. More like the feelings were comprised of shit that most people don't use in day to day speak. I mean who uses the term Disturbed when speaking about how they feel? It is a borderline crazy word you know?

It's interesting too because I feel like I am vile. Yes. Vile. And I think about things I have done in the past and the word vile doesn't match the action. I mean, I am not proud of some things but I don't really think that they would be described as vile. And don't forget depraved.

This wheel isn't helpful at all these types of nights. There aren't any words to describe my feelings on nights like this that would be a part of 'normal run of the mill emotion words.' So no, I don't think it is about NOT feeling. I feel like it is feeling too much with no way of identifying (which leads to then discarding) my feelings because they are so intense and jumbled up. And pictures come with them too. Slowed down pictures, like I mentioned before. Almost like a flashback is getting some meaning with these words floating around.
Vile. Disturbed. Depraved.

Can you believe that? Like, those are some pretty serious words. And I feel them about me. Which is why I want to crawl out of my skin. Like, how did I all the sudden become the worst human being on the planet?

I am concerned that these feelings will come back more strongly in evenings to come. This has the potential to go downhill really fast. I can feel that. I may have to knock myself out for a couple of days this week.

 

[MrMoonlight]

So glad you caught this early shimmerz. Hopefully you can avert a complete breakdown by using some coping tools. So weird how our feeling can be so off, to me you are a really beautiful clean spirit. Hope you get through this shimmerz.

 

[shimmerz]

Thanks so much @MrMoonlight . I really appreciate your presence here. @somerandomguy, thanks so much for stopping by as well.

I am finding this thread useful to look back on. I noticed the other day that I didn't think I had felt a certain way for a long time, but low and behold, there it was the week before!

It was a rough night, but hopefully all for the best. I made some decisions this morning insofar as my 'stuckness' with some pretty big things I have been grappling with the past few months. Most likely that stuckness has been an indicator that I needed to do some pretty deep feeling. Yech. :yuck:

Thanks for the kind wishes. Now.... time to live for today. Double Yech. :yuck:

 

[shimmerz]

Really good stuff about CPTSD and emotions. I love this guy. He talks about attaching to emotions through words quite a bit for we seriously left brain wired freaks. Super helpful to me and I will keep it in mind when I post more in this thread.
Emotional Literacy as a the Unexpected Gateway to Healing CPTSD

 

[shimmerz]

I feel like I should be feeling fearful right now. I have a really big problem happening with my car which could be a life changer (for the negative). But I am not. And I don`t know why. And one would say.... `oh to have such problems` right?

So I am looking at the wheel and trying to figure out what I DO feel.
It's difficult.
Skeptical --> Critical --> Angry
Which is weird because although I feel skeptical, I don't at all feel like I feel critical or angry. Unless, of course, I think about why it is so hard to relate to these goddamm feeling things! Arrrrgggghhhh!

Okay, try again.
Powerless --> Despair --> Sad
Which, yeah, I can see how those flow into each other.

Thankful --> Peaceful --> Happy
Which is good for balance, right?

Curious --> Interested --> Happy
Hmm, that's two Happy's. That's good right?

Indifferent --> Bored --> Bad
Not sure that I actually like the word 'Bad' being used in this wheel. I relate it to being a bad person and I don't think indifference should be pointing to badness. But what do I know? I am new at this.

 

[Abstract]

You are doing a great job here @shimmerz. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot at the moment.

I totally relate when it comes to how beneficial I find this type of approach. Diarising emotions has literally been a life changing and sanity saving exercise for me and I have done it obsessively for a long time. Especially life changing when I started dragging myself out of dissociation into reality.

I wish I could make a more helpful or intelligent comment but my brain and time limits still haven't allowed me to look at and understand the wheel fully. Anything to do with emotions tends to require me analysing, deliberating and tearing everything apart before I can move forward with it. :rolleyes::eek:

I agree with your take on the word bad. Could you substitute your own word for it? If you can't get past it. I hope you have a better and peaceful night tonight. :sleep:

 

[shimmerz]

@Abstract, I am going to respond to you on this but my brain is fried right now. You have piqued my interest in your experiences on this emotion tracking stuff. So yes, I will tag myself in this too so I don't forget. @shimmerz

 

[shimmerz]

So yes, I will tag myself in this too so I don't forget.

Which I totally did do. Forget that is. My apologies.

I have given this a bit of a rest recently - not for any reason except I felt for some time like my life and my inner self was totally crumbling. Like shattering around me.

I have to tell you, there are no words on any emotion wheel that I could relate to - so I left it. Looking back on it, I am going to say that I was feeling a form of psychic annihilation.

I am going to suggest that someone make a PTSD emotion wheel cause this kindergarten cheap facsimile is useless to me. Unless I am fairly well grounded. Which I haven't been.

Anyway, I have conversion disorder. For those who don't know what that means, it is basically a misassignment of a strong core emotion which doesn't feel safe to express so instead it is converted into a form of somatic experience.

I always thought the emotion was anger that I was converting. Silly me. It occurred to me just this morning that I have had the answer to this for years but I just didn't put it together.

Shame. It is shame that I am converting. So freaking simple.