Naming and understanding multiple emotions

[shimmerz]

Not sure why I am surprised as it seems almost everything happening in my brain or body has a paradoxical element to it.

Pretty sure this is why it is so difficult for some of us to express what emotions are going on inside of us @Abstract . Two conflicting emotions at the same time (or more) get the brain whizzing around and the body not knowing how to figure out what to do next. So for me anyway, freeze happens.
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Yesterday was interesting. This past week has been interesting actually. I am falling into these hateful states. I am not a hateful person. But they seem to happen whenever I am in an overcrowded room (read: more than me in the room). And I am doing a bunch of training and so on on a regular basis. It is hard to sit in the room for the whole day anyway, but goddammit, at the end of the class we are meant to clean up. Like move furniture, break down tables/chairs/clean room and it feels like a million people are all over the place and I can't keep up.

So given what I just expressed about that, there is a sense of confusion and overwhelm with everyone moving around in relatively tight quarters. And for whatever reason that is bringing out this hateful bit but I have no idea what that is or where it is coming from. And I hate every single person in that room. Even the ones that I really like. So obviously this is a 'part' of me coming out in these circumstances.

Not sure what I am going to do about this one yet. Still pondering.

 

[ILoveLife]

My T has been hammering Breathing Exercises, Sietz!!! for about ... 7 months now! :P It's good for when we're feeling overwhelmed and confused.

Breathe deeply, count 2 heartbeats, exhale. Repeat.

 

[shimmerz]

Breathe deeply, count 2 heartbeats, exhale. Repeat.

Haven't gotten to the point that I can feel my heart yet Sietz, but yes, a super reminder. I do breathe in 5, rest 2, out 5. That's exactly what I was missing! Thank you!

 

[shimmerz]

The really good thing about having a T who used to go catatonic is that they know shit. I love that. And I went to go see her today and spoke about this hate thing. She said she wants me to hold onto it but to channel it in such a way that it punctuates the historical nature of this issue for me. I also got an email back from the teacher of our courses and she said she read my feedback sheet and smiled and said 'I recall a lady walking into class 1.5 years ago who was unable to sit in the room for any length of time. She was bold, she was brave, and she shared her experience with everyone in the room in awe.' I sat for a bit and tried to figure out who she was talking about. Me ---> Idiot. lol. She was talking about me.

She is so lovely. And T keeps telling me to focus on how much support I have right now. How many people who have taken me by the hand, or arm, or legs, or hair, or whatever and grasped on. That makes all of this historical too. So really great perspectives on this from T. She shared as well the disorientation of 'humans' while she was healing as well. She admitted that she still gets waves of 'WTF' when it comes to trying to relate to people.

I feel like sometimes just validation that this is just a natural process. That my brain in rewiring in any way I choose it to, as long as I am aware of my choices. Which she is a great help at giving me perspective on.

So, yeah, be hateful --- better than eating my feelings. Call it hateful. Own it. Somewhere along the line it will get less intense and figure out what to call the new and lesser feeling from there. So --- be warned. Hateful me is rising. Hopefully to deflate along the way.

 

[ladee]

I get the 'hateful' thing @shimmerz !! If there is too much noise or movement around me, I can feel this monster coming alive in me... and breathing??? Glad you can do it , that never enters my mind, running out the door does tho...

You are 'being' (not just doing) awesome!!! Let us know what happens with the 'hateful' thing. I need suggestions, well, besides breathing. :hug:'s

 

[shimmerz]

Really helpful for me. It speaks about shades of emotions. How emotional sense may come from our family of origin rather than our thinking. Excellent help to me.

 

[shimmerz]

Super interesting reading back a little in this thread. I had forgotten I spoke to T about hating people. Lately it has been more about anger. Anger mixed with frustration. Frustration sends me to hell I have noticed and many times when I have mixed up emotions, frustration is at the root of the other ones. I think managing frustration makes sense for me over the next little while.

Anyway, was forced to line up for food for XMAS with a billion people today. I have to do it again Thursday too. It was cold. Cold is a trigger as well. And Thursday I will be lining up at night. Not a good thing.

So I have been invovled in a ton of groups etc over this season. Thousands of people here - I can't believe the number of us. My god, I never knew. Why didn't I know? (shake it off)

Today and these past couple of weeks has been challenging. Today, I was like an entirely different person and my emotions were fairly obvious. Just a short 1.5 years ago I couldn't be in a room with one other person, let alone the number I dealt with today and during the past few weeks. But this post is about today.

I am standing in an aisleway (inside) that is not at all wide. For any of you who have a sensitivity to 'trapped' and that is mine too. It was chaos with people crammed in like sardines. And I couldn't get out. And I recognzed that. Oh, Okay, so this is what trapped feels like and that actually helped me. So good. But then someone starts tapping me on the shoulder. Not just any shoulder. My LEFT shoulder. Tapping, tapping, tapping. Whoever it was wasn't stopping and I couldn't turn around to see who it was or move. So generally in this situation 6 months ago even, I would have dropped. No question. But here is the thing.

Because I couldn't move away from this person, I turned and without thinking about it said out loud 'Stop tapping me' and I said it with an audible snarl. Only thing is, I don't snarl. Like - never. I usually just take it.

As this is happening, someone on my right side tells me she needs to get by with her stroller and I am trying to move and this freaking person keeps tapping my shoulder. Still!

I still can't move so can't get away from the tapping and I said out loud and with a great deal of 'don't f*ck with me-edness' 'STOP tapping my shoulder!' Again, this is not normal 'me' behaviour. The tapping lady is frantically trying to explain to me why she was tapping my shoulder. <--- which is generally what I do. I turn to her and say 'I don't care why - stop tapping my shoulder now!' 'Oh, I am very sorry' she says in almost a panicked way.

It was so different! Me. Snarling! lol lol lol. Look at me go! Many other things happened and a woman called me honey and sweetie and I chose not to engage with that one but I was actually able to think and choose what to do! Like - yeah! Great progress.

So yeah, angry. I txted T asking for help after I got out of there today. I never do that but I was seriously panicking and tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't stop them. T calls and guides me through it with the understanding that it was anger that brought my voice back to life. She identified it immediately. See! now that you are angry I can hear your voice again! Listen to the life in that voice! And I thought to myself, of course. We all need to be able to feel and express anger! Otherwise we can't protect ourselves! So we take on other behaviours and reactions, like flight, freeze. But the idea is to be able to catch the anger before it hijacks. And that woman who tapped me kept tapping me taught me something today.

What it feels like to protect my shoulder. My left side/shoulder is a trigger point and a big one. And it was instinct when I was in there, to protect my shoulder. So today is the day that I learned how to express my anger in a room full of people again, for the first time ever since I learned how to freeze I expect. And I was mindful of what I said, I could feel how it felt to protect a part of my body, and most importantly I expressed myself verbally and was clear what my thoughts were prior to acting on them.

Wow. Anger is the way out. I think most of my therapists have thought anger was at the root of my conversion disorder and I suspected it as well. Today was the first time I have seen in such a dramatic way that I do know how to protect myself in a room without freezing. Now, just keep overlaying that feeling when I feel even a hint of threat in a room again.

Crossing fingers.

 

[shimmerz]

Contempt

Today is something a little different. Today's posting is about the feeling I get from other people. I won't give details but I think that it is important to say that I don't know what MY version of contempt is. So I needed to look up what contempt actually meant.

I think, going back to most emotions charts, that many of the words I search for when I post in this thread are almost feelings without names because they are so off the charts. Being in a life and death or crazy abusive relationship will do that. But also what will happen I think is that the abuser(s) do such off the wall things that there really aren't words for what THEY are doing either. I believe this is one of the largest challenges I have had with naming these emotions and the things that were done to me. Like, there is no proper dictionary term for this shit.

Like, how do you describe a mother attempting to suffocate her baby in her crib? Attempted murder, right? But the vulnerability of the child, the insidiousness of such an act, the betrayal of trust, the theft of humanity from one to another, the power differential and cowardliness behind such acts - there are just so many layers to this type of abuse. So this is why this thread. Because I recognize that this shit isn't simple to define verbally or otherwise.

Back to contempt. I am surrounded by contempt. I don't get it, I don't understand it, I don't know how to feel it, nor intellectualize it, let alone respond to it appropriately. And why can't I attach to contempt? Maybe because it was obvious through 20 placements and the notes from CAS about those placements, that I have a wee bit of a cognitive distortion about this whole contempt thing. I think I either have it braided in with love (or caregivers), or I had to blind myself to it to survive. Not quite sure which. But what I do know is that I have been educating myself on what contempt is and I see a ton of it in my family circle.

Total Disregard - Check
Attitude of one being lesser than the other - Check
Worthless - lol Check and Double Check
Deserving Scorn - Check

Okay, so we have that all in line. The above list shows the attitude of the Contempt-er to the Contempt-ee. And I am thinking I see that my life's history has led to this spot because I was unable to see contempt. I could give a million different scenarios. If I can't see contempt, then I couldn't see either of my ex's slide to what became my personal hell.

And where does contempt come from?
‘Contemptuous’ Personalities Are a Thing, It Turns Out

There were a couple of references that state that those who don't understand contempt (me) truly believe that everyone is equal. Which is a true story. So this all makes sense. I get into these f*cked up relationships not being able to see that this person I am with, when he consistently calls people a loser, that that is a sign that he is riddled with contempt. That that is one of his core beliefs.

Contempt. Not sure what to do with this information yet, but let me be clear about one thing. Now that I know what it is, I am going to test and watch for it in these relationships of mine. Many are new and I need to keep up on this contempt thing in order to save myself from more naivety.

 

[Abstract]

So much I would like to say @shimmerz So much of what you explore is relevant to me and my journey and I also enjoy seeing your progress. Was overwhelmed before so wasn't functioning enough to answer. On the present contempt subject: Interesting. This isn't one of my present day people blindspots. I have in fact worried that I have become someone contemptuous so its interesting to read the article and see your context to do with it.

I relate to not being able to acknowledge negative traits in people in the past and being put in jeopardy as a result. Have has a very hard job changing that. Still have some small blindspots, I think.

The contempt I presently feel is to do with abusive people of all levels of pathology. Yes, I feel superior. Yes, I find them lacking. Its a bit like I didn't have a judgment capacity in my psychi before. I always saw the good and over empathised, probably projected good onto them etc. I have had to fight down over empathising and force myself to see who people are and not project. To be more judgmental. But I worry a bit that I have now turned a little sanctimonious and contemptuous. I do have perfectionistic tendencies which lean in to this too.

But anyway, that is a different context to what you are describing and if I am fair to myself then I actually do still find it quite easy to empathise with those who are abusive. And am not seen like this by those around me. Mostly anyway.

In context of those who were abusive to you and failed you, this is enlightening. I can see it. It being related to the dark triad makes sense.

. I think I either have it braided in with love (or caregivers), or I had to blind myself to it to survive.

Personally have did bth with this type of personality. Particularly my father who I have just realised had contempt as his default facial expression when interacting with us. In the past have described it as disgust or distaste/revulsion. Like we were something on his shoe.

From how you explain your son's father and your ex brother in law I can so see how this fits. There is a big dose of arrogance in there isnt there.

truly believe that everyone is equal.

I used to truly believe this. Still have a part of me that does. But another part is exploring a rage about those abusive and sees it differently.

Anyway, that might not have been helpful at all. But I am so sorry that the little shimmerz and adult shimmerz had to deal with that. I think people belittling, condescending, undermining repeatedly in a overt or very covert way is a big thing to watch out for. How good are you at identifying that? The more polished, covert forms. This type of behaviour can look sophisticated I suspect.

 

[Abstract]

vulnerability of the child, the insidiousness of such an act, the betrayal of trust, the theft of humanity from one to another, the power differential and cowardliness behind such acts - there are just so many layers to this type of abuse

Yes. I think this is true. Maybe people shouldn't be wording it as if it is one emotion we are feeling. "What emotion are you feeling" has to lead to confusion it seems to me. It isn't going to be one thing. And yet what confuses me is that some people come through abuse and it seem are very connected to themselves. Its us that cope by giving ourselves away or having our selves taken away that seem to sit with it after and struggle. Its something I have thought about a lot.

But you are right. The normal choices just don't do it so often.

 

[shimmerz]

A poison tree
William Blake
A Poison Tree by William Blake

I have been looking for this poem for years.

This isn't what I want to be.

Abstract, I love your posting. Thank you. I am still thinking on it. This is a big thing for me this handling the emotions of others. My own were difficult. Still are. Others seem impossible.

 

[Abstract]

A Poison Tree by William Blake

oh wow.