Narcissism And The Relationship Dynamic

[Ladyghosthunter]

My whole family were a bunch of narcissists and they only thought of themselves, especially my uncle. He couldn't think about anything but himself and he just loved the attention he received as a theater manager. It was when a 30 year old actor raped a 13 year old budding actress did his world come crumbling down and he and his wife tried to save their own butts but forget about the rape. I couldn't tell him (he was taking care of my brother and me our teenage years) and to this day, it seems that he doesn't understand that when he does something terrible, he just puts others down and becomes extremely hostile to the point of yelling.

I bought two books to understand about narcissism: "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists" by Eleanor Payson, M.S.W., and "Narcissistic Predicaments" by Sister Renee Pittelli (Christian based) to understand what it was I was dealing with. In my own family, I lived with a bunch of abusive narcissists who couldn't care about anyone but themselves which left me neglected and them emotionally distant to a child's needs. Their own lives and the way they constantly needed praise while putting others down I didn't understand and you can't understand unless you find the underlying cause of what is going on. By them putting me down, calling me fat all the time, destroying my self esteem, was making them feel better about themselves.

I ended my family relationship at 42 when I asked my uncle why we couldn't have family reunions and why we couldn't be a good family like my cousins. His answer? "Well, we can't be like that." I guess I had a dream of normalcy that was never going to happen and it was then I walked away with a middle finger pointed straight at them. Although talking about this is a trigger, we need to find out if this IS a trigger and if it is a trigger for us because a family is a narcissist, we need to educate ourselves about this. I loathe narcissism because it borderlines arrogance, which I despise in people. For us who have been through the issues of dealing with such horrid family circumstances, we need, for us to heal, WHAT these people are and to, at best, cannot change them.

I bless all of you and thank you for letting me post this. If there are any corrections to my post, please let me know. I want you all to tell me your opinions and stories regarding this. I'm no psychologist by any means but for us to all heal, this, to me, needs to be talked about. Yes, it's a trigger for me too, trust me. Unfortunately, I attract narcissists but God shows me who and what these jerks are about to clear my path to what He wants me to do.

Heather

 

[Don't trip]

Hi Heather,

I come from a pathological family too. The abuse, for me in my childhood, was a daily series of events that involved a variety of abuse, sexual, emotional, psychological, physical, spiritual....everyday.

Pathological families are about extremes. The abuse is so horrendous day to day, 'coping skills' are developed that are not necessarily healthy, but are what got me through in expecting the 'unexpected'.

I write a blog about this. My PTSD is very active right now, so I've not been posting much, but there are so many of us out there and in writing about it, I've found a lot of support through other survivors who 'get it' about the disorders.

It's difficult to discuss because many people don't understand the level of deviancy that, as children and as adults, we've lived with. My deficits into adulthood were related to life skills and the ability to communicate with others. My tolerance to anything that remotely appears as abuse (even when it may not be) is zero. I'm constantly in a state of hyper vigilance. I trust no one except my T emphatically. I have a morbid fear of authority figures too. I'm terrorized by them. I see pathological behavior in society too, a strong lack of empathy politically, socially, etc.

Heather, I think one of the good things about having lived with these individuals is that our insight feels almost overly developed. I describe myself as feeling like a walking open, raw open nerve. I internalize everything in my environment. And everything outside of it. I too can see one coming a mile away, hence the hyper vigilance, but most especially so when one is anywhere near me.

I often feel I have a sign attached to my ass, in neon color, that screams 'Psychopath magnet-Please exploit me!" which makes me feel even more vulnerable. I'm quite isolated because I have this awareness now.

I don't know if this is the case for you, but even as a child, I was highly sensitive and introverted. So growing up in this environment made me even more fun for my pathological family as a target. As a result of those sensitivities that are natural for me, living with so much abuse on a daily basis, I believe, further developed a keen sense of insight. I sense nuances in others that many people do not pick up on, which makes me feel like a freak. I'm highly empathic and I believe that being around those with none of it, accentuated that positive in me. At the same time, it's also a detriment and limits me greatly because I cannot tolerate a lot of noise, have a lot of health problems from a lifetime of hyper vigilance and stress. Too much exposure to the outside world can cause me to be bedridden.

I love nature and things that are very low key and peaceful. I cannot do drama or crisis or have exposure to a lot of stress. I find structure at home where it is safe for me. I feel incredibly exposed and unsafe 'out there'.

Just my opinion, Heather, as I'm only here occasionally, but I think it's wise to consider finding another support forum when dealing with the pathological issue specifically. I realize that for those of us survivors from these homes, have lots of PTSD, but once you know what these folks are in your life, trying to share about it with others that are not familiar with it, can lead to triggers that may make you feel invalidated. This is a great site for support for PTSD, but it's really hard to talk about the dynamics of psychopathology here.

I find coming here and reading, while also writing at my blog and sharing with other survivors to be somewhat helpful.

I wish you peace.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

First of all, thank you for your insight!!! Telling us what you've been through has been enlightening and has really opened up a lot.

I feel the same as you said, "Psychopath magnet-Please exploit me!" so many times but now I think that a lot of people, especially I socialize with on a daily basis are narcissists who cannot see past the nose on their faces. This is one of the biggest triggers for me and talking about this is healing. I've been through other forums that discuss this however, they seem not discuss the abuse that comes with this and I haven't found one that doesn't have a "p***ing contest" going on.

So reading my books are the only way I can cope. I no longer, as I have said, see a T because of my own issues with T as I haven't told anyone but I was verbally abused by a T and going to see them; I don't take them seriously which is sad because I need the help they could possibly give. My trust in some T is gone and they can't seem to understand that when I tell them I was verbally abused by a T, they think that I'm impossible. I was reaching for help from them and they think they can't help.

Again, thank you for your insight. :)

 

[Don't trip]

Heather,

I understand just what you mean by T's. I've had a plethora of them over the years, none of whom understood personality disorders, but also the depth of trauma that comes as a consequence to so much exposure to them, but there is hope.

After I exited my last relationship with a psychopath, I was so broken, I was barely functioning. I knew I needed therapy desperately, but I was so reluctant to do so because of my experiences with T's in the past. But my level of pain was intolerable, and it motivated me to keep searching. My first therapist believed that psychopath's could be 'cured'. I called bullshit on it and after further evaluation of the situation, he shared that the anti social diagnosis with several of his clients was a misdiagnosis, hence their ability to be 'cured'. In reality there is no 'cure' for these people. Anyway, that T didn't last long. Next T was just starting out in the world of therapeutic services, having just graduated from college not too long before. She was 'new agey' and I think she perceived that I was somehow inept to some extent, emotionally. She would draw things on a erase board to outline points she was making in therapy. Nice lady, but not trauma trained and definitely and absolutely knew nothing of the Cluster B's.

Eight months out of the relationship, I was at my wits end. In desperation, I called my insurance company who had an advocate. I spoke with her and told her, "I need a therapist who is well versed in dealing with personality disorders, such as antisocial, narcissistic and borderline with predominantly narcissistic traits! I need this person to be well versed in trauma!"

In a few days, I had a new therapist and guess what? I'm still with her to this day. Three years this coming August and we've just barely hit the surface of my traumas, but most especially, trust building. I have a great deal of trouble with trust. Anyway, Heather, if you have insurance, you could call the company and ask for an insurance advocate. Be very specific about your needs. Please keep trying. I understand how hard it is to find one, but once you do...it's so worth it. It's very unfortunate that therapists are not given much more than a term of training regarding the Cluster B. The T I have now, has worked with narcissists and sociopaths. Court ordered through anger management programs. I guess it wouldn't surprise you that one had no more than two sessions, the other only had one after she diagnosed him narcissistic. The other was, in her words, a full blown sociopath, and a successful one at that. They are very good at hiding behind a social/monetary mask.

Heather, when I feel disorder around me outside of my home, or while reading my political pages, what jumps out at me is a lack of empathy. Another thing that jumps out at me immediately, is that the majority of them love bomb you. Recently, I was visiting my daughter and a friend of her boyfriend, was there when I got there. She came up to me, very close to me (I immediately stood back), and exclaimed, "Oh My God! You're so beautiful and you've had six kids? Oh My God! And your eyes! You have such beautiful eyes!" It's vomit provoking. Because I'm empathic, I sense these overwhelming energies immediately. I feel very nauseated when I'm around them, an immediate repulsion. Sure enough, after she left, my daughter, who is empathic too, said she could not stand this person and went into the history of what she knew of her and she is as evil as the day is long. I trust these feelings now. Better to be safe than sorry, but when we are vulnerable in some way, they seem to be more magnetized to us.

PTSD can be a big vulnerability if we do not have awareness about it and it seems that you are acutely aware. This is good though, Heather, because it will help you immensely while looking for a therapist. You will know when you find the right one.

Oh and also, I know what you mean by books. I've read plenty of them and am currently in the process of writing one, although with my limitations, it's taking a long, long time. Reading books is what helped me too in the very beginning. Be very cautious of online support groups though. I visited those when I first got out of my relationship. There are plenty of pathologicals running those sites and I've worked with survivors who have been very hurt by them. I had to be mindful of my tendency to be too trusting, giving too much information from the get go, and allowing what someone online said to me to be internalized and affect me greatly.

I really like this site for PTSD support and there are some really nice folks here. It's quite different than sites that focus on the disordered one and recovery. Pathologicals will go where they can have many victims. Nothing better than running a site full of vulnerable people. I try my best to educate others about the disorders. I believe we have many in positions of power who repetitively show a lack of empathy and intentional harm so subsequently, we have a society full of people who are enduring genuine suffering.I feel all of that. I internalize a lot of it too, as it is a constant reminder of the abuse I endured too. I hope that makes sense.

I wish you well in finding the support you need. [notice]<self promotion removed> [/notice]. You'll find so many that have experienced what you have. I do my best to make sure survivors feel as safe as possible, but sharing with others who have experienced these individuals can be incredibly validating. Good luck to you should you explore further options for therapy.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My grandfather was narcissistic. From what I hear, his mother was narcissistic, too. My mother is also narcissistic, but for the grace of god, she has gotten better now that she's not under the daily influence of my grandfather. (I am not so delusional as to think she is "better" and it was all him, but I do see a difference.)

I also LOATHE narcissistic people, and selfish people as well. I actually went the other direction. I have such a complex that I literally beat myself up for ANYTHING that I deem to be "selfish". Of course I take things so far and I even consider normal self-care type of activities to be "selfish", but I am getting better. I am learning the differences between being narcissistic and selfish and taking care of myself, standing up for myself, etc.

I did cut my mother off for about 6 months, but then reconnected only to cut her off once again, and then reconnect again. We are currently talking, as I now seem to be a LOT stronger, and I can see her for what she is. She will never be the mother who will love me like I want to or need to be loved, but I have accepted that. I hate to sound like I am better than her (because I am not), but yes, she IS limited in her capacity to do/feel/be certain things. (To be fair, we ALL have our limitations, myself included, so this is not meant as a putdown, rather an acceptance of reality.)

I thank God that my dad is nothing like her. If it weren't for his influence, I'd probably be pretty narcissistic, too.

The sad thing is that I, too, have been attracted to.....err, have attracted....narcissistic people. My "best friend" since the age of 13 was/is narcissistic. Yeah I've mentioned her a lot in chat lately. The latest situation just blew my mind. Seems she doesn't like not being the center of EVERYTHING and being able to control EVERYONE around her. I can see it because I know the signs, as I grew up with two narcissists. Most everyone else is blind to her ways as she maintains a fabulous online profile, appearing to be a fabulous person. The cracks in the façade start to show only to those who are close to her. Sadly, her best friend and girlfriend are so brainwashed (blind) that they just bow down to her every whim. I honestly wish her the best in life as I have no hard feelings toward her, despite everything she has done to me, but I know she does not feel the same. She "pretended" to want to be my friend again after a fall out over 2 years ago, but I finally learned that she was still talking smack about me to everyone. I don't want people like that in my life anymore. It would take a miracle for our friendship to be mended, but as you all know, that simply does not happen with narcissistic people. I am quite sad, and still mourning the loss of someone I thought was a friend.

 

[maryiscontrary]

I am an aspie, whose entire male side of the family is extremely narcissistic with antisocial tendencies. Boy that was a fun bowl of stew. I am absolutely NC unless they want to discuss problems under professional care. Of course, they dont, and they are just so sad and mystified as to why I ran off to South America. Aspies ARE NOT FREAKING SAFE around these types. I do not feel safe at all around these people, because of the pervasive lying, gaslighting, and reckless behavior. I have an awesome support group. I wish I had only ditched them 20 years ago.

And yes, this is a fine bunch of people here.

 

[Recovery4Me]

((Heather))

Unfortunately, I attract narcissists

Just wanted to share a tad with you. You must be a giver to attract Narcissist (when not born into the family) or have something to offer to their aching depleted ego supply. I am codependent so I have this down. 'Codettes' (coined name among some of my circle) are like pollen to the bees. As codependent traits may be adapted as a survival skill in Family of Origin, it takes work to stay in recovery with strong boundaries and nurturing self-care. After all, many codependents were trained to be loved by denying our own needs and putting others first always. Hence the match.

There is lots of info out there to counter being a magnet and changing the pattern. However, your share lets me know that on some level (if not openly) you are a kind person whom really has a capacity to love. Learning to love yourself, may appear counter intuitive after living with or loving the Narcissist, but it is a vital step to healing a broken heart. So be kind to you, as you have to others.

Peace and Light.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Recovery4Me,
Thank you SO much for sharing this bit of information regarding being a giver and attracting a narcissist! You have no idea how much this has helped me! I am a giver, and I have NO regrets that I am a giving person. I don't expect people to take advantage of me, and so I don't see the narcissists coming. I (incorrectly) trust that everyone has a giving, non-selfish nature such as myself. (I don't say "selfless" because I honestly don't think it is a good thing to be selfless in that we need to make our own well being and such a priority.)

My mother was a narcissist so the narcissistic best friend I made at age 13....well, lets just say I didn't see her coming! Everything is ALL about her, and if you don't feed into her own inflated ego, she will cut you down to the core, tear you apart from inside (using your most personal and private information), and tell everyone how horrible you are, with threats of violence included. Yet I am the one who should be ashamed of myself.....

Sorry I am going on and on and on about this stupid narcissistic friend. Talking about it helps me to wrap my head around the issue. Which, in and of itself is an impossible task as its like trying to figure out life inside the twilight zone.......

 

[Recovery4Me]

Solara :hug:,

Glad the info could shed a little light. This is a great community for recovery, yes?
And you are right, self care is definitely not the same thing as selfish.;)