Other Narcissistic/emotional Abuse

[Selfcompassion1]

My mother had borderline personality disorder...one of the cluster B's in the DSM manual. Psycho path, siopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, etc., they are all toxic. They are damaged, can't function in a healthy manner, self serving, manipulative, and lack compassion to some degree or another.
Being raised by one is very damaging. You are conditioned well, and another one finds you in your future relationships. It's called repetition compulsion. One must discover and heal from their original wounds, and undo the years of conditioning. It's a hero's journey, and when the grief hits, you are getting somewhere.
I had to realize how severely codependent I was, even to a point of enmessment with my mother...not knowing where I ended and she started. They feed off of this enmessment. They need to feel alive...kinda like a parasite needs it's host.
There is so much taboo around children not having a relationship with their parent, but a toxic person is just that toxic. They rarely do therapy. Usually just manipulate the therapist or use them as a source of attention and supply. They are in such deep denial, they can't even be honest with themselves, much less a therapist. They usually project the blame outward, and play victim.
I'm about no contact and total avoidance of these types now. I'm much happier as a result.

 

[Multitudes]

I recognise so much of my own situation from every one of the comments to this post.

My mother is a covert narcissist, my father was a passive victim and my sister and I unknowing targets of her need for control and validation. Every day of my life I listened to her mantra:

"When you grow up, never get married, never have kids.. I wish I'd never had kids, I wish I'd never had you!"

I was conditioned to view myself and my father as untrustworthy, worthless, useless. Just like my father I worked hard all my life to provide for my own family, always believing that anything I did, every choice, every accomplishment, was never good enough.. that I could never be good enough.

Unfortunately, my conditioned belief encouraged predation by a malignant narcissist and I was swiftly married and forced into positions I would not have taken, had I been able to think as myself and make my own decisions; a 12 hours-7 days a week job I was not suited to, a mortgage, kids I was not ready for. I worked, waited, hoped for the time when I might have my dreams of a loving relationship, socialising, travelling - never realising that those things would never happen

I had no idea what was happening, no time or way to understand why I was so miserable, lonely, unfulfilled.. until I was cast off, homeless, penniless, used up and burnt out.

I've finally had time to think for myself, these last few years, read extensively, figure out what happened to me during those decades. I am now in therapy, working on a plan to start living as- and for myself and my son, working at overcoming my depression, anxiety, PTSD, finding like-minded people with similar stories who understand.. realising that I am not pathetic or worthless or alone in the world.

I am stronger than I ever thought possible, because I survived!

 

[Overcoming]

@Multitudes

Thank you for your response. It is certainly good to know we are not alone. You are in good company here my friend.

 

[mumstheword]

I recognise so much of my own situation from every one of the comments to this post.

My mother is a...

I can relate to lots of your story @Multitudes .
I feel like I was groomed by my mother for the 21 year relationship with a very abusive man, a very manipulative narc probably borderline as described in one of the posts above. I.picked him for sociopath (my psychologist agreed) anti-social PD, addictive PD and narc PD and oppositional-defiant disorder.

I suspect my mum (who's never been able to commit to therapy, surprise, surprise (sarcasm) is of the histrionic type narcissists, major dramas are her lifeblood and she would always speak badly of each of us siblings to each other. I cut her off this year. Enough was enough. Never care for anyone. Always everything is about and for her and denial, blame, transference, eroding of others self-esteem and lack of responsibility has been my experience my whole life. She has also assaulted me and neglected me in terrible ways.
I now have a neighbor who is so like my mum it's not funny. Trigger city. Heading into a 3 week admission into a trauma program early in the New year. Finally gonna get to deal with a backlog of mummy issues and sexual and long term narc abuse. Yay!!! :-)

 

[Deleted member 8714]

My mother tended toward the malignant narcissist track.

At times she was violent with me even sadistic, one time making me suffer for months by not buying me new shoes. I had outgrown the others. She flat out refused to buy me any more shoes until the next school year, a whole year away. My stepdad rescued me from her torture and bought me new shoes. My feet are permanently deformed from wearing too small of shoes for too long.

Another time I said something she didn't like and she chased me through the house. I hid in my bathroom. She pushed the door open and slammed me back against the shower door. It shattered into my back, cutting me. My mother laughed and told me I deserved it after what I said to her. Mostly likely what I said was something where I stood up for myself. Absolutely not allowed.

When we played games together, she had to win. My brother was the same way. He cheated in order to win all games.

She was manipulative.

I was her scapegoat emotionally/mentally/psychologically. I got my regular "beatings" nearly everyday, never could I be or do anything right. Everything about me was attacked. Every word coming from my mouth was up for scrutiny by her and my oldest brother who's exactly like her. Whenever my mother inflicted harm on me she did so with an odd smile on her face. She enjoyed watching me suffer.

I got a double whammy because my biological father was/is a psychopath, narcissist, pedophile, sadist, and a serial killer. A lovely combination. ;) If I wasn't getting abused at home, I was getting abused by my father in his own special devious ways.

One T gave me a paper on narcissism in the 1990's. I took it home and read it again and again, completely identifying with the different cases in the article. This was my mother to the "T." I had a name for the abuse I had been through with my mother and older brother.