Narcissists And Abusers

[Casey_03]

I have just begun reading a book about the methods narcissists use to gain control in relationships, and I have realized the father of my baby is almost certainly a narcissist. I suspected it before, but now that I'm researching this more, I've noticed a lot of things I hadn't even noticed before. Why am I spending time researching this, you ask? Because I am most likely going to be stuck in a custody battle with him, and I am slowly learning how best to respond to him when I have to communicate with him. So far, the best thing seems to be to just not engage with him at all -- if I have to respond, I respond only with one-word answers or vague replies. I just don't invest anything or engage.

But anyway, that brings me to a question I have for people here who have lived with narcissists. I realized that throughout my relationship with him, the main time he was abusive was when he was behind a computer screen. He never ever was verbally abusive to my face. If we were together in person and something happened to set him off, he'd hold it in until later and then message me with all sorts of emotional and verbal abuse. But he'd never be abusive to my face. Not once. He would engage in emotionally cruel games that were clearly designed to hurt me, but never in person.

Is this normal for narcissists?

 

[Elevatorguy]

Yes. Keeping his image in public at a normal level. He"ll rip into you when your alone or on the phone or text.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

He makes sure he has you cornered and alone with no witnesses. Public Image is all for him

 

[Sandi]

It makes sense. My abusers were both seen as very sweet men. They were well-liked by everyone who didn't know them like I did. Hell, that's why I fell for both of them. However, unlike the father of your baby my current partner will become directly abusive, mainly when he drinks. He would never do it in front of others though.

 

[Casey_03]

But he didn't even do it when the two of us were alone, in person. It was always via text or email, never ever in person. I'm trying to figure out if that is a narcissist or just an extreme form of cowardice ...

 

[Sandi]

H

But he didn't even do it when the two of us were alone, in person. It was always via text or email, ne...

Honestly, I think he very well could be.. especially if he puts you down. Narcissists aren't always physical.

 

[Casey_03]

The strange thing is he never even verbally abused me face to face, or put me down when we were face to face. It's like he always had to wait to do that until it was via text or email ...

 

[Elevatorguy]

Save all of it for the therapist

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My abusers, whom were psycopaths, also kept up apperences in public or around anyone. They had two faces or almost two personalities, one they showed to everyone else which was a loving family and the second, reality, they only showed to me and the others following them.

One of their followers was a cop. He also kept up "normal" apperences on the job and in public.

I can see where abusers do this but maybe not specifically narcissists that arent abusers. Ive only known one person with NPD and he wasnt an abuser so i cant apply this to narcissists specifically personally.

How to approach is hard. I wouldnt and would have a 3rd party do the interchange but i remember you said that wasnt an option but id most certianly would limit how he can talk to me. Call but not text or email. Only talk in a public area. Etc.

 

[GrayOwl]

I hope you saved the texts, emails, and messages.
Narcissists devote immense effort to covering their tracks and maintaining a pristine social image.
I am in court (again) with one.
DOCUMENT. DOCUMENT. DOCUMENT. (It saved my but in my last case having pictures and documentation.)
And yes, they are outwardly nice and wonderful to you in public.
In private, you are their nothing more than a target for their rage.
There is a child at stake in this case.
Are the courts in your country biased toward the fathers, or mothers?
Or are they fair? Do you have a lawyer?
Keep learning. You're doing a great job.

Can you tell me the name of the book's you are reading on narcissists?
Or good places to gain more information?
I've found some myself, but need to learn all I can.
These are horrid people. Very damaging.

 

[Casey_03]

With him, it wasn't private vs. public. In private, one-on-one, face-to-face, he was never verbally abusive or even insulting, he was completely normal. The emotional and verbal abuse was limited to texts, emails and actions he'd commit out of view and then inform me of later by text (like contacting my employer). I've just never heard of an abuser limiting all the abuse to messages sent from behind a screen ... so it seems odd to me. @GrayOwl i've heard the courts here are more in favor of mothers, but since it's an international case, courts in multiple countries may be involved. I don't have a lawyer yet but have gotten a consultation. The name of the book I'm reading right now is "Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist." I'm not that far into it yet, but it seems like a decent resource on the subject.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

These are horrid people.

Remember that not all narcissists are abusers. I agree that abusers are horrid people but I dont agree that all narcissists are horrid people. I also dont agree that narcissists always = abuser. A lot are but not all are.