Thinkingman85
Gold Member
I feel like I'm 95% at where I want to be in my recovery. There are three things that keep me from escaping the cave and standing out in the light again.
First, and most importantly, is my narcissist older brother. The best way that I can describe is that he knocked my life off track. I had a set and stable way of living and behaving, and unfortunately, I don't know how to get back there. I think I'm ready to have my life on track now. Many times, I think that I hold on to my mentally unstable state because I'm afraid of trying to make it in the outside world.
I had a nervous breakdown six years ago because my older brother manipulated my emotions to a point where I "fell off" the wagon. For my entire life until that point, my mental state was solid like a metal pole. However, that pole snapped. I think I was fighting so much negativity that my brain gave up and internalized it... because that was the intention of my brother. I cared about him and I thought he cared about me. He would do mean things like older brothers do, but I accepted that as just normal family matters. However, it went too far.
The sad thing is that he didn't blackmail me upfront. He did it methodically and over a three year period. He gradually broke me down. He laid around depressed and suicidal. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to help him because it felt like the family thing to do. However, when I tried he would devalue all of my output. Ironically, when he would try to help himself, he demanded me to support his efforts. For example, he never wanted to go to the store and wanted me to go. He used his anxiety as an excuse to not go outside. If I didn't want to go he would blame me for being mean and not helping someone "hurt". Basically, he felt entitled because he was depressed. I was used and I don't know how to get past this.
I left the house and broke contact with him six years ago but his effects still have left my mental state destabilized. Honestly, he did something by some psychotic way of persuasion to make me live a counterproductive as opposed to productive. The harmonious way that I lived was attacked emotionally and verbally. I don't know how to live any other way. I lived that way for 22 years and I DON'T want to be a different person. The brain is afraid to reconnect with the "sane and normal" self that is, in itself, mental homeostasis. My mental state is no longer in homeostasis.
This isn't just a "bad" thing that happened. It's been a motivating factor in my demise. It's of ABSOLUTE importance. My brother is on disability for psychosis, depression, and social anxiety so I know that his methods were demonic. Even though to this day he acts like he did nothing wrong I see it as another attempt from him to cause me to doubt my sanity. I can't stand this mental instability anymore. I've never gone through anything like this so I have to come out from the darkness.
If anyone has input regarding narcissists or emotional blackmailers trying to tear you down I'm listening. All the best.
First, and most importantly, is my narcissist older brother. The best way that I can describe is that he knocked my life off track. I had a set and stable way of living and behaving, and unfortunately, I don't know how to get back there. I think I'm ready to have my life on track now. Many times, I think that I hold on to my mentally unstable state because I'm afraid of trying to make it in the outside world.
I had a nervous breakdown six years ago because my older brother manipulated my emotions to a point where I "fell off" the wagon. For my entire life until that point, my mental state was solid like a metal pole. However, that pole snapped. I think I was fighting so much negativity that my brain gave up and internalized it... because that was the intention of my brother. I cared about him and I thought he cared about me. He would do mean things like older brothers do, but I accepted that as just normal family matters. However, it went too far.
The sad thing is that he didn't blackmail me upfront. He did it methodically and over a three year period. He gradually broke me down. He laid around depressed and suicidal. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to help him because it felt like the family thing to do. However, when I tried he would devalue all of my output. Ironically, when he would try to help himself, he demanded me to support his efforts. For example, he never wanted to go to the store and wanted me to go. He used his anxiety as an excuse to not go outside. If I didn't want to go he would blame me for being mean and not helping someone "hurt". Basically, he felt entitled because he was depressed. I was used and I don't know how to get past this.
I left the house and broke contact with him six years ago but his effects still have left my mental state destabilized. Honestly, he did something by some psychotic way of persuasion to make me live a counterproductive as opposed to productive. The harmonious way that I lived was attacked emotionally and verbally. I don't know how to live any other way. I lived that way for 22 years and I DON'T want to be a different person. The brain is afraid to reconnect with the "sane and normal" self that is, in itself, mental homeostasis. My mental state is no longer in homeostasis.
This isn't just a "bad" thing that happened. It's been a motivating factor in my demise. It's of ABSOLUTE importance. My brother is on disability for psychosis, depression, and social anxiety so I know that his methods were demonic. Even though to this day he acts like he did nothing wrong I see it as another attempt from him to cause me to doubt my sanity. I can't stand this mental instability anymore. I've never gone through anything like this so I have to come out from the darkness.
If anyone has input regarding narcissists or emotional blackmailers trying to tear you down I'm listening. All the best.
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