It is important to have hope and positive inspiration as part of a happy life and healthy outlook. It sounds like you have had life or career paths that have taken you near death and dying. I would recommend that if you are looking to find yourself or find things that help you, start with basics of positive surroundings. Life, nature, birds, parks, music, good company, inspirational reading....
Don't look for the negatives or bad things, especially if you're used to focusing on negative. Kind of like gawkers at an accident scene - learn to refocus away from negatives, or death, or the memories or experiences accompanying those experiences. It may take a little forcing, but you have to put one foot in front of the other and move "to the light".
Admitting and sharing are definitely steps in the right direction. This is a great site to do that. Lots of support. Thanks for sharing. I wish you well.
