Sufferer Need Advice Family Flashbacks

[Ray_of_hope]

Throughout my life I have experienced mental, verbal, physical and sexual abuse from my family. I have been struggling recently with multiple flashbacks to the sexual abuse that occurred when I was younger. It's so crippling to realize the truth when I so badly wanted to believe the lies that my abusers, my mother and father, told me. Things were really bad growing up between not being fed and constantly being the scapegoat. I graduated college and moved out on my own and that is when everything just started to hit me. For dealing with everything I have been through I am proud to say that I am doing well. I still have days that I feel like I can't function but I'm not hurting myself in anyway.

For the first time I have been allowing myself to be who I am. My problem is that I still haven't confronted my family about my flashbacks. All that I could bring myself to do is to avoid them. Seeing them or talking to them is too painful. I have severe anxiety about having anything to do with them. My anxiety around them has existed most of my life. I was always trying to be "good enough". So I've been ignoring their phone calls, texts, and emails for 6 months now. Two weeks ago I was fed up and finally got up the guts to text my mom and tell her that I remembered what happened when I was younger. The only reason I felt the need to say anything was because they were harassing me about not going to a distant relatives wedding. After two weeks of waiting for a response, she responded to my text by saying that she would "NOT stop "loving" me and would NEVER stop trying". While others may see this as a nice thing to say, I find it creepy and frustrating. I want my parents to leave me alone but I'm scared of what will happen if I stand up for myself. Like any good abuser they have thought things through and own my car even though I paid for it. My dad bought the car and gave it to me saying that when I paid him back I would get the title. I paid him back years ago and his only response when I ask him to put the car in my name is to laugh at me, which is a typical response for him. So my car is what has kept me from standing up for myself along with a fear of them threatening or attacking me.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should say or do? Should I stand up for myself? How do I get them to leave me alone without ruining everything and feeling guilty about it? I would love to hear anyones story who has been through something similar and what they did to confront the issue.

 

[jon doe]

get over yourself, life isnt so bad!

 

[Ray_of_hope]

Wow, I came to this site for help but all I got was more criticism. This is extremely upsetting.

 

[Ray_of_hope]

Why do I even try to reach out anymore?

 

[DMerish]

Ray_of_hope,

I'm so sorry for what you went though in your childhood and that your parents continue to be manipulative. I think your anxiety about being around your family, and your not wanting to, is completely understandable. You're an adult now, and you owe it to yourself to determine with whom, when, and under what circumstances you are willing to be around others - family and otherwise. Parents are supposed to love and nurture their children, but it isn't the same the other way around.

Dealing with what you've been through is difficult. Bubzilla is a member on these boards whose posts you may very well relate to. If you haven't looked into receiving therapy to help you separate from your parents/family, I encourage you to do so. And, hopefully, you weren't too turned off from continuing to seek community here by the previous post.

There are many, many insightful, understanding and helpful people on these boards. Welcome - May your journey to healing from the past full of self-love and be strengthening.

(((hugs)))
Drew

 

[franciemarnie]

Ray of Hope - Ignore anyone who is absurd. It is very rare.

I hope you stick around. There is so much support and help to be found here. I hope you are seeing a good therapist to help you with all you are going thru.

I am sorry for what you have gone thru. I think it's fantastic that you are not exposing yourself to toxic people. Your father is a sick - insert expletive - not to give you the title.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Ray of Hope,

I am assuming something was said here and then removed. I hope you can put it aside so that you get the support that you obviously need.

Please don't feel the need to reply but am I correct in understanding that the sexual abuse involved your mother and father?

Assertiveness is very scary when we start practising it and it is often not received easily either. It is however very helpful in creating boundaries and protecting ourselves. Direct tends to be best so if you want distance then it is better to say what you want.

If you put aside your fears then what do you feel you would like?

 

[Ray_of_hope]

Thanks for the support. It has been rough. Franciemanie, he is sick and I'm happy to have some freedom from him and the rest of the family. Thanks for the welcome and support Drew.

Abstract, the abuse did include both of my parents. My mom was more of the neglectful and verbally abusive type while my dad was sexually abusive. The reason I say they were both involved in the sexual abuse was because my mom knew what was going on and would enforce it. The sexual abuse occurred at an extremely young age and into the pre-teen years. The neglect and other abuse with my mom has gone on my entire life. It's really hard to deal with her sometimes because she goes through manic-depressive episodes. She snaps from one side to the next and it can be scary.

And if I could put fears aside I would definitely stand up to them. It's difficult for me to do that also because I have siblings and extended family. My relationships with them are already strained because of my moms manipulation but I wouldn't want to put them in a bad situation by upsetting my mom. If I were to do what was right for me and only me I would never speak to them again. I wish there weren't so many other factors that go into the decision. I'm not sure how to confront them or what I would even say. I'm afraid I would just get really angry or have a break down, and neither of those would go over well. Ant ideas?

 

[Abstract]

Are you seeing a trauma therapist? When working out how to be assertive and weigh up the pros and cons and I don't think I could have managed on my own. Personally I have found it has been impossible to start healing until I took steps to protect myself and distance myself a little.

Maybe you could take small steps and see how you go? There are also often ways to soften what you are doing if you are concerned about the effects on your siblings and related stuff. I think it can help to see it as a grey area rather than black and white. In other words it doesn't have to be a choice of breaking off things entirely or doing nothing.

I started with the areas that were most difficult for me and went from there.

The other thing I think its worthwhile considering is what you want when you confront them. Confronting someone can lead to a lot of re injuring for us if we are not properly prepared. It's more usual than not that the abuser and enabler won't acknowledge or do any of the things we need. When I do anything now I carefully prepare for every eventuality emotionally speaking and do it just for myself.

They both sound very damaging and I am sorry that this is what you have had to live with.

 

[Seasounds]

Ray of Hope, Thank you for sharing your situation. Your experience seems painful. As my family history has a strong resemblance to yours, I relate.

Things that helped me:
-kindly and consistently setting boundaries. (blocking texts)
-realizing my family was going to have reactions to my
changes.
-creating supportive friends and finding a therapist.
-slowly, living my life as I wanted.
-I took the approach of briefly, and selectively, 'educating'
them vs standing up to them, since my family was so volatile.

You are creating your life, you are worth it!
Feel free to contact me through this post.

 

[Miasmith]

Hi there. your story was excruciating for me to read.
I can not give you advice but I can tell you what I would do if I where you.

I would completely cut all contact with them, when they came to me asking why I would tell them everything and I would tell them that I am no longer willing to participate in there lives.

But I am not you. You need to find an answer that is right for you.

Good luck!

 

[Nicolette]

get over yourself, life isnt so bad!

Banned for trolling.