Need Advice Please - What To Do With Family Issue?

[Nicolette]

I think the problem is I am scared that whatever I do will be wrong somehow (well there's an ongoing childhood thought!) and I don't know what I want as I realise that I cannot control it. By doing 'status quo' I am not totally disowned by my family but then I don't know if being disowned is really such a bad thing anyway?! :wall:

Whichever way I turn there is a consequence I do not like so I avoid making a decision or make a decision to do nothing (whichever way you want to look at it).

After reading Mina's post I thought yeah...I can still send the card as I don't want a confrontation at all but I really would prefer to do just nothing. I just want to disappear but, based on childhood fears, I am scared there will be a consequence I cant control which will be my mum giving me ANOTHER lecture which then puts me at the point of confrontation.

Hope's post made me think..........I really have little control over anything in my life but also realise that the majority of it is a consequence of my childhood!

My doctor thinks healing your past is not always a good thing if it makes you unwell yet my therapist thinks that I have to confront it to heal and then another professional will say that my family is not so much the issue but regaining my control over my life instead of "pleasing everyone". If someone had the right answer I would just do it but I don't know what that is.

I don't want to be mean to someone who is now an old man by not sending a card and small gift like always but then I want to get off this ride. Argh!!! I feel like I am going insane!!!

 

[Freddy_hiding_less]

If ever, Your parents get a moment of clear sound view on You, all they want to see is for You prosper thats my basic position on this.

From this perspective, You taking care of Yourself is in no conflict with the healthy aspects of Your family. The rest is just a mess of suffering and confusion.

 

[anni]

Oh my Nicolette,

Once more a person here in the forum who manages to have pulled themselves into a grounded, loving and much-respected person despite the chaos surrounding where you came from. There seem to be a few of 'you' here, and even if you all don't feel like it, I would hope you all realize that there's an awfully nice perspective of just plain 'grace' for others to look at. I don't know how else to put it, although someone better versed in huma healing and survival might be able to.

I heard something interesting the other day. Humans are the only animal which will deliberately fight to overcome out natural survival/fear/get the hell outa there instincts and go TOWARDS danger or discomfort, generally driven by social or familial pressure or feeling one must observe the social 'nicities' of life. Your instincts of survival, down to protecting your very 'core', is what got you the hell out of there in the first place. it's still telling you what the correct survival mode would be, which is don't send a Mother's Day card to someone who bears no resemblance to a mother. Your stepdad might be improving, and that's lovely but maybe your instincts are also just telling you what is clear-how do you encourage this person without the poisonous tentacles of the others once again wrapping themselves around your ankles?

I'd have to guess at this point your nieces know who you are, and that you're there if and when they need a life line thrown out to them for any possible reason. Any contact you have with the rest of this nest of wasps seems to be used immediately to hurt you deliberately. What a stupid, mean and viscious game they're playing with you just because you refuse to live badly and with so many untruths like they do. it's not my family, so easier said than done but it might be time to take a big pair of gardening shears and cut that tie.

I hate to be so wordy, because it always comes across as pompous and preachy and I so don't mean to. I wish to add that there's a great book by F. Scott Peck called "People of the Lie". It's 'The Hope for Curing Human Evil", which sounds way too loaded and may put you off but please don't let it. The premise is very sound and not at all religious, I swear! :) It's just a very identifiable perspective of what happens when this sort of dynamic gains a foothold in a person, family or group, and has given me a fresh take on things when I'm baffled beyond endurance by being in your sort of circumstances. It also validates the heck out of you 'getting out'.

You've had so many lovely answers here, so won't feel awful if mine is way off track. :)

Take care,

Anni

 

[Nicolette]

Thanks everyone.

I found a solution for Mother's Day. Today when shopping I came across a card which said something on the lines of " A message from the Stork for Mother's Day" on the front and on the inside it says "Sorry, no refunds!". Funny but apt I thought!

As for the birthday issue - I went with a plain card and left out the word love etc as Mina suggested as I figured there was no point adding confrontation to my current situation as having so much work I'm so stressed and about to overload. This also helped me lived by my moral code as Hope suggested which is 'to treat others how you would like to be treated' so I don't feel bad for not doing the 'wrong thing' in my own eyes but I also don't feel bad for not sending cards I didn't feel appropriate sending.

 

[anni]

Ha! That was perfect! I used to feel terrible about some of the convoluted ways I've developed to deal with things like this which are impossible to come to terms with. My T then once put all that to rest by actually approving, and saying well, no matter how you got there, you did it, right?

You stayed completely true to yourself and also now don't have to agonize about being in the familial doghouse, which would make you feel awful. It has to be about YOUR comfort level. That's very cool to see, well done!

Anni

 

[kers]

I'm glad you found some way to meet both needs--to do as you felt obligated, without feeling like you were compromising yourself. It's a hard road to negotiate.

By doing 'status quo' I am not totally disowned by my family but then I don't know if being disowned is really such a bad thing anyway?

I often feel this way as well. My counselor has explained that the attachment I feel to the family, despite how much I say I want out of it, is biologically based. We are wired to depend on our families as children, because we have to be. Breaking away from that is difficult, even when part of us really wants that. The messed-up programming our families gave us don't help matters.

 

[rjtransient]

I've been reading the responses to this thread. All I can add, really, is that breaking that tie permanently takes an awful lot of commitment, resources, and energy. It sounds as if you're handling the situation well; kudos to you for asking advice and coming up with a reasonable solution in the midst of all of that... well, that fog that toxic family members always manage to create.

"Blood is thicker than water." I heard that yesterday from a friend/acquaintance. The person who said it had been severely mistreated by both parents, and by a stepmother as well. You can't overemphasize how insidious family ties can be, or the lengths that family members will go to once they recognize that you've given up on the game. The confrontation issue is tough. My brother had to sever ties permanently with absolutely no further contact. I admire him for standing by his decision, but there was so much sacrifice on his part. He had to rebuild his life completely on his own, resist all offers of gifts (money, etc.) and years worth of apologetic letters from my parents that promised they would change. (They didn't.)

They will never change. One characteristic of manipulative families is that the manipulators seem to have everything in order, while the person being scapegoated becomes confused, conflicted, not sure where the proper boundaries should lie. Reading about malignant narcissism can shine a light on the tactics they use and why they can still hold a strong influence over you despite that you know you need to get out.

The choice seems to be: burn bridges permanently (which is doable, but extremely difficult, from personal experience), or clearly delineate your boundaries and enforce those boundaries without ever allowing guilt or feelings of attachment to enter the decision-making process. No compromise. It sounds like you're doing a very good job of keeping yourself a safe distance from that situation. Here's another heartfelt "Well done" from someone who's currently in a very similar situation.

 

[Tinyflame]

After having to break ties that at the time I felt was equal to burning bridges, I now view it as simply a decision to not get involved with, or believe, or be sucked down into, a dynamic that destroys my self esteem and brings me grief. If things change- great. If not, I try to view it from the perspective of making a healthy/ sane decision for myself: I can't change other people's responses or desires, or 'make' them be kind or thoughtful (or healed of their own problems). It's not your fault how others choose to act, you have to take of yourself for yourself and your family's sake, and you deserve to be loved, accepted, valued, happy, and at peace.
-(Good choice of card though, lol :) )

 

[AthenaErdmann]

Nicolette,

There was so much familiar in your post that it felt eerie. I'm glad you found a solution that felt true to yourself - that is really important. Loved the stork card, too! :smile:

Finding partial and/or short-term solutions, one at a time, is a huge achievement for us who are working to get out of that Crab Bucket (wonderful metaphor, Farine!) - please do give yourself credit for your efforts and celebrate your successes. The long-term solution(s) will follow, when you are ready, I feel sure of that. As Farine so well expressed, you do have a shining soul, one can feel the warmth all the way to the Far North.

For what it's worth, the successful steps that I took, when I was around thirty, in proper (working) therapy and discovering and defining my boundaries for the first time, usually had these elements:

• choosing one issue to work on (in the beginning this was pure fire-fighting, rushing from the most dire problem to the next - over the years it has gradually changed to much less chaotic and even proactive and planned activity, at least some of the time)
• mobilizing self-love, support from true friends and guidance from professionals (often also from books)
• envisioning my “dream” about that issue: the perfect long-term situation/solution entirely from my point of view (what would happen in my perfect world where I get my needs met and my wishes come true)
• mourning the loss of that dream (this almost always took some time and I often used some symbolic actions, like burning my doll's wicker cot that my mother wanted me to give “back” to her, because she had decided to give it to some kid she knew)
• defining a good enough long-term solution based on my true self (as well as I could identify what that was at each time) on the one hand and the constraints of real life on the other – note that I could not do this effectively without honestly going through the mourning first

I got started with one accidental baby step in the early 90's, when I got my first mobile phone through my then job and did not tell about it to my mom - and then stopped answering my home phone altogether. I just listened to the answering machine to see if it had been anyone I really wanted to call back. I found that I actually could stop her from getting through to me, and that realization alone was very empowering. It was me who decided when she could have access to me, and for the nights when I wanted to sleep, I pulled the home phone out of its socket (turned off the mobile, too, as the drunken "sorry wrong number" calls on Friday and Saturday nights were not amusing).

The books I found most helpful at that time were: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.

I wish you courage, joy and generous dose of serendipity – AtME the journey never ends (until all the crabs are extinct, and I am so not holding my breath), but it seems to get easier over time. It is possible to become well enough trained and grow a working enough routine for asserting one's boundaries constructively, and then boundaries evolve into something that give us more strength and energy than upholding them requires.

Warm thoughts from Athena

 

[Nicolette]

I have posted the same thing in my diary but I think it is apt to put it here also:

There is much peace and relief gained from making a decision and standing up....even if it is wrong (who knows?! But I guess it was right for me). Despite the loss of my family I no longer have all the torment going through my head.............I now I just can do what I want and it doesn't matter what they might think or might do or might say. Relief....I took a ton of bricks off my shoulders and I didn't realise that I had it within me to move the thing which pulled me down the most.