Sufferer Need An Outlet

[Lead85]

Hi. I'm a 29 year old single mom who suffered both mental and physical abuse for 10+ years from my soon-to-be ex-husband. I've been treated for depression for years but recently (2 years after telling my ex to get out) I became suicidal. I don't know why it took so long to hit me. I guess I thought I was moving on. I thought I would feel better. But that didn't happen. I started realizing how messed up I was. I pushed away all family and friends. I started cutting. I spent nights rocking back and forth in my living room, sobbing, repeating "I can't. I can't. I can't" 100 times My doctor sent me for counseling, which is where I got my actual diagnosis of PTSD. I'm also off of medications while we work on some things. I've been treating for depression when I actually should be treating for anxiety. Or possibly both.

I still have daily interaction with my abuser because he has never posed a threat to our children. I work extremely hard and don't miss a day of work even when I've spent the night pacing my home and praying that I fall asleep and don't wake up. I excel at work. No one there would know that when they get frustrated and do something as simple as sigh, I go to the bathroom and cry because I am in extreme fear. Frustration = danger to me. I work through so much pain. Physical and mental. Because I'm "functioning" I'm not worrisome to family.

I don't make enough money to support myself and children. My house is being foreclosed and I cannot afford rent. I have panic attacks that cause me to fall to the ground to avoid fainting. I can't relate to anyone. I am in a relationship but he is pulling away. Because I am so hard to understand. I often feel if I tell him how I am feeling then I risk losing him. My thoughts just cycle through my head. I have a $3000 deductible on my insurance so I can't afford my counseling. I don't know where to turn. I feel so alone. Every time I try to do the right thing to improve some aspect, it goes horribly wrong.

I am incredibly broken. I can't reach out to anyone. I feel paralyzed. If I make one move, it will all crumble. I need help. I need someone to listen who will understand. I can't make decisions. And I don't trust my own thoughts. I feel stupid and alone and scared. I feel like I am ruining my children's lives by being so broken. I keep thinking this will all end somehow. That there's not a future for me anyway..

Why can't I get over this? Why does it hurt so much more now that it's over? Why can't I heal?

I am exhausted.

If you read all that you deserve a medal.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the Forums :)

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

DV isn't what caused my PTSD, but it sure has made it extra fun. It's a beyond f*cked up situation being court ordered to have to deal with your abuser day in and out, living in fear for your children's lives, & having every freaking moron spouting nonsense about "loving your kids more than you hate your ex" as if this was a normal divorce... Because the sheeple believe what they see on TV and think "all" you have to do is leave and then it's over.

I'm deeply sorry you're here, but very glad you found us.

 

[Lead85]

Thank you. That linked thread is exactly the understanding I'm looking for.
And you're right. No one understands how someone is still so messed up when they've left and are "safe" now.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

@Lead85 welcome to the forum.
I have suffered through domestic violence as well. Although like Fridayjones said it is not what intitially caused my PTSD. My heart goes out to you! You need as much support as you can get, so I am really happy you have found this forum.

You were so busy 'coping' while being around your abuser that it makes sense that you don't truly understand how much it affects you until you are in a safer place, able to acknowledge the pain you had to endure. At least that's the way it was for me.

Be patient with yourself. You have already made a big step. In your original post you said you can't reach out to anyone, but you just did. And that's AWESOME! Way to go. Give yourself some credit for doing something that is very hard.

I'm sorry this has happened to you! You are in my thoughts! Sometimes when we are so overwhelmed with fear we become paralyzed, like you said, and that makes it very hard to problem solve. But that doesn't mean that the problems can't be solved. It just means it's hard to think about it right now. So give yourself some time and maybe start doing some breathing exercises and with time you may be able to go back to those problems with a clearer head and try to solve them then.
It May not be the best advice but I know I've sometimes had to do this before.
I'm not sure if this is helpful advice for you, but I just had to let you know that I am sending gentle :hug:'s your way if you accept!

 

[Lead85]

Thank you. It feels refreshing to have someone know what I mean when I speak about the anxiety and sadness.

 

[Deleted member 30740]

I Suffered Emotional Stress and Headaches to get PTSD Chronic pain and MDD and MDD got me Psychosis.
I'm not alone and were not either.

 

[intothelight]

@Lead85 Welcome to the forum!

There is a subsection here for domestic violence victims and I believe as you read you will find that what you are experiencing is similar to what other members have experienced. There is relief in knowing you are not alone and the support available on this site is amazing. I hope you find this place beneficial to your healing.