Relationship Need emotional support..still miss him so much

[Survivor3]

I've been through similar circumstances. Relationships that break up and one person is just getting on with their life whilst another is stuck in a rut and (nearly obsessing) about the other person.

Do yourself a favour and just let go of it and move on with YOUR life. Find hobbies, groups, friends and enjoy dating just for the fun of it. Have confidence in yourself and know that you are in charge of what you get from life.

 

[Tinyflame]

@LovingH though not the same, I had a period of 10 years I put my heart on a shelf. In retrospect I regretted that part because I realized:

I felt he was rather cruel and harsh to me.

Now, notwithstanding it's important to not take offence where none is intended, it's still very possible he didn't treat you well. That, I came to learn, is very separate from falling short as the person with ptsd. That is, I can't see ptsd not being a challenge if it's there, but how does the person treat you? Because with or without ptsd, or anything else, that to me is the real difference between people, and relationships. Whether you or the other person has ptsd, how do they treat you? (And too, if you have ptsd, or something else, it's not good for you, either, to be treated poorly by them as recompense, ie to believe therefore it's ok or deserved for someone to treat you poorly).That was when I realized what Blackemerald said below (and a bit more, it was outright pretty negative and in other ways not even a proper relationship), except for me it ended at 10 years:

I reckon I'd own up to one relationship that crashed and burned that cut so deep that even thirty years later I do still wonder about. But, at the same time I am definitely over it and him. I know I am because I worked on it and hard. Actually I think his absence of sensitivity in certain areas indicated that he actually was no good for me... so in the end, though the end was difficult at the time... it was good for me that it did end

I don't think it matters if you date, but it matters if you are living: socializing, doing what you enjoy, enjoying other's company (including dating if you want), taking care of yourself, hobbies and what makes you feel good, self-care;; being around people who value you (and are not mean).

:hug: to you.

 

[LovingH]

@LovingH though not the same, I had a period of 10 years I put my heart on a shelf. In retrospect I regretted that part because I realized:



Now, notwithstanding it's important to not take offence where none is intended, it's still very possible he didn't treat you well. That, I came to learn, is very separate from falling short as the person with ptsd. That is, I can't see ptsd not being a challenge if it's there, but how does the person treat you? Because with or without ptsd, or anything else, that to me is the real difference between people, and relationships. Whether you or the other person has ptsd, how do they treat you? (And too, if you have ptsd, or something else, it's not good for you, either, to be treated poorly by them as recompense, ie to believe therefore it's ok or deserved for someone to treat you poorly).That was when I realized what Blackemerald said below (and a bit more, it was outright pretty negative and in other ways not even a proper relationship), except for me it ended at 10 years:



I don't think it matters if you date, but it matters if you are living: socializing, doing what you enjoy, enjoying other's company (including dating if you want), taking care of yourself, hobbies and what makes you feel good, self-care;; being around people who value you (and are not mean).

:hug: to you.

No, you're right, and I do keep re-reading his last email to me, so it will really sink in how cruel it came across for him to say, "I'm not missing it", re the relationship. That cut like a knife. Not sure how someone could be simultaneously the sweetest person I ever met, and the meanest one.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

"I'm not missing it", re the relationship. That cut like a knife. Not sure how someone could be simultaneously the sweetest person I ever met, and the meanest one.

I've been wondering all day if you are putting more into those words then what was actually there.

Take this for what it is but I am just wondering that if he was talking about the stress of the relationship and how he felt about it but not actually about you.

I am not sure if I am making any sense. Sorry, my brain seems to be half functioning right now. I am just wondering if there is less meaning in those words. The intended meaning. Am I making any sense?

 

[LovingH]

Yeah..I dunno. Maybe if I post the context? He said:

"After everything I don't want to be with you anymore. I don't say that out of malice. I am not saying it to get a reaction. If that's what you need to be at peace with it, then fine. I am past thinking about why it went wrong, I am past being hurt, I am past missing it. No one needs to be the villain."

(note that it really didn't matter to him if *I* was past it or not...)

Both times I tried to work things out with him, he mentioned the whole "nobody is a villain" thing. I'm not even sure where that came from, cuz I wasn't trying to make him the villain in any way whatsoever. In no way, shape or form did I EVER suggest he was a bad person.

I felt that was more projection from his prior relationship.

As for "after everything I don't want to be with you anymore"...that was a response to me saying:

"If you had said you didn't want me anymore or it had something to do with ME, yeah..I would've moved on and never contacted you again. But it was because of your past.

It didn't seem to have anything to do with us."

(the last time I saw him, it was clear he was triggered..his ex had committed suicide, and he even asked me: "You're not gonna kill yourself, are you?" Yikes.)

When we finally ended things, he never said he didn't want to be with me anymore. He just said he didn't think it was fair to me, to make me wait while he sorted his stuff out. (He had given me quite a few mixed messages at that point, btw.)

I was explaining that THAT'S why I tried to work things out with him twice, cuz her NEVER said he didn't want me, or didn't want the relationship. I guess I gave him the wording for what he needed to say, to put the final nail on the coffin of our relationship, and get rid of me.

 

[Freida]

My suggestion? Go on about your life. Keep him in the back of your mind as someone you cared about who it just didn't work out with. Leave the ptsd question and just think about him as a relationship that couldn't make it long term. Because ya, breaking up sucks but even non ptsd relationships end with no real explanation. Ptsd may or may not have been part of his leaving. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Sad yes. But true

 

[Butterfly64]

Yeah..I dunno. Maybe if I post the context? He said:

"After everything I don't want to be with you anymore. I don't say that out of malice. I am not saying it to get a reaction. If that's what you need to be at peace with it, then fine. I am past thinking about why it went wrong, I am past being hurt, I am past missing it. No one needs to be the villain."

(note that it really didn't matter to him if *I* was past it or not...)

Both times I tried to work things out with him, he mentioned the whole "nobody is a villain" thing. I'm not even sure where that came from, cuz I wasn't trying to make him the villain in any way whatsoever. In no way, shape or form did I EVER suggest he was a bad person.

I felt that was more projection from his prior relationship.

As for "after everything I don't want to be with you anymore"...that was a response to me saying:

"If you had said you didn't want me anymore or it had something to do with ME, yeah..I would've moved on and never contacted you again. But it was because of your past.

It didn't seem to have anything to do with us."

(the last time I saw him, it was clear he was triggered..his ex had committed suicide, and he even asked me: "You're not gonna kill yourself, are you?" Yikes.)

When we finally ended things, he never said he didn't want to be with me anymore. He just said he didn't think it was fair to me, to make me wait while he sorted his stuff out. (He had given me quite a few mixed messages at that point, btw.)

I was explaining that THAT'S why I tried to work things out with him twice, cuz her NEVER said he didn't want me, or didn't want the relationship. I guess I gave him the wording for what he needed to say, to put the final nail on the coffin of our relationship, and get rid of me.

Here is the thing when you are involved with somebody with PTSD....in my experience anyway. It is sooooo impossible to figure out what is simply PTSD self protection talk....like he doesn’t miss the relationship. It could be him being honest because relationship is exhausting and messes with his head...that handling PTSD is so hard that he really hasn’t the energy to handle anything else. Or...he misses you, but there is no way he is going to admit that, because then he opens a door to the two of you getting back together.
As for the villain part...my ex said something similar a couple of times....I suppose they feel guilty that they can’t commit to a relationship due to full PTSD or a mix of PTSD and commitment issues prior to PTSD. They know that being with them is hard for us so they feel guilty for pulling away and not communicating. That doesn’t make them a villain. If it is over between you, I strongly advice no contact whatever...it only prolongs the pain and healing process...I broke it of with him in May and we had contact until Wednesday...plain old stupid?

 

[LovingH]

Here is the thing when you are involved with somebody with PTSD....in my experience anyway. It is sooooo impossible to figure out what is simply PTSD self protection talk....like he doesn’t miss the relationship. It could be him being honest because relationship is exhausting and messes with his head...that handling PTSD is so hard that he really hasn’t the energy to handle anything else. Or...he misses you, but there is no way he is going to admit that, because then he opens a door to the two of you getting back together.
As for the villain part...my ex said something similar a couple of times....I suppose they feel guilty that they can’t commit to a relationship due to full PTSD or a mix of PTSD and commitment issues prior to PTSD. They know that being with them is hard for us so they feel guilty for pulling away and not communicating. That doesn’t make them a villain. If it is over between you, I strongly advice no contact whatever...it only prolongs the pain and healing process...I broke it of with him in May and we had contact until Wednesday...plain old stupid?

That all makes sense. And yes on the no contact. Tho I expect to run into him somewhere eventually as we travel in the same circles. Both involved in theater and film

 

[Butterfly64]

That all makes sense. And yes on the no contact. Tho I expect to run into him somewhere eventually as we travel in the same circles. Both involved in theater and film

It will be hard to run into him. If you are able to keep it to a minimum of interaction that would be the best for both of you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

"After everything I don't want to be with you anymore. I don't say that out of malice. I am not saying it to get a reaction. If that's what you need to be at peace with it, then fine. I am past thinking about why it went wrong, I am past being hurt, I am past missing it. No one needs to be the villain."

In other words (or how I am taking this), he has thought long and hard and he is just done. He means no ill will. One can be done and not mean ill will. He has moved on. Each member of a relationship can move on without either one being a villain. Each can move on peacefully. He is explaining that he is peacefully moving on. Or that's how I am taking it. Past the hurt means, to me, that he is done being hurt over it and is putting it behind him and past missing the relationship because he is past the hurt and missing the relationship, as you know, causes hurt and he is done being hurt. But, he's peacefully moving on.

All of that makes perfect sense to me and tells me, even more, that you are putting way more emotions in those few words then indended. It may hurt you that he has peacefully moved on or has moved on so fast. But, I think that is you projecting your own hurt into his words. He isn't mean or mean spirited because he is done with the relationship and is peacefully moving on. I think that you are doing exactly what he's saying here and making him a villain. I understand that maybe what you need to do but maybe it's making harder for you to move on as well?

note that it really didn't matter to him if *I* was past it or not

But it shouldn't matter to him. If I plan to leave my partner, I am not thinking about whether he is ready for me to leave. I am thinking about me and what I need. It's the same for really any relationship. If you wanted to leave him, would you wait until he was ready for you to leave? Lets say he did something that was a deal breaker for you and you wanted to leave. Shouldn't you be thinking of you and what you need in that time? Not what he needs?

Both times I tried to work things out with him, he mentioned the whole "nobody is a villain" thing. I'm not even sure where that came from, cuz I wasn't trying to make him the villain in any way whatsoever. In no way, shape or form did I EVER suggest he was a bad person

But you are doing that. And I am suspecting that it's a pattern he was very aware of. Which is probably why he said that.

This:

I do keep re-reading his last email to me, so it will really sink in how cruel it came across for him to say, "I'm not missing it", re the relationship. That cut like a knife. Not sure how someone could be simultaneously the sweetest person I ever met, and the meanest one.

Is making him out to being a villian when in reality, he was peacefully leaving the relationship.

Am I making any sense here?

As for "after everything I don't want to be with you anymore"...that was a response to me saying:

"If you had said you didn't want me anymore or it had something to do with ME, yeah..I would've moved on and never contacted you again. But it was because of your past.

It didn't seem to have anything to do with us."

(the last time I saw him, it was clear he was triggered..his ex had committed suicide, and he even asked me: "You're not gonna kill yourself are you?

It doesn't matter why. He was done. A large trigger like that can cause someone to not be able to "relationship" anymore. I can't "relationship" and so I totally get that. It's not personal. He just cannot do it right now. Move on! Stop reading his words and putting meaning where there is none. That's my biggest suggestion. It does no one any good to keep rereading these emails and trying to find meaning where there is none. I think you are making it SOOOOO much harder for yourself. Throw out the emails or texts or whatever they are and just simply move on.

I know that is much harder then how I am saying it but you are just making it so much harder for yourself in my view.

 

[blackemerald1]

@LovingH - I agree with @lostforgottensoul interpretation of the email or text.

If this was happening to your sister or bff - what would you advise they do? Does that give it some context? Hope so..

 

[EveHarrington]

OP,

You’ve rehashed this a number of times now, with the same responses.

You insist on playing the victim.

Many of us have read what your ex said to you and have come to the same conclusion, that he wasn’t trying to hurt you. In fact, I think he went out of his way to give you closure. Many people never get this kind of closure from an ex.

You are now following his various social media accounts and re-reading his emails——to what end?

I think at this point you are making yourself feel bad because it enables you to be the victim a bit longer.

I say to you over and over again that you broke up with him. And yet, it’s all about how horrible he was to you at the end, how it was all about his ptsd. (It’s not.) You fell into the trap of blaming it all on ptsd and ignoring the fact that he is human and can make rational decisions for himself.

Blaming his ptsd allows you to avoid facing the fact that he no longer wants to be with you! Sweetie, he no longer wants to be with you! Your actions warrant therapy at this point as you’re getting delusional about secret messages he’s sending you on social media!

In the future, know that your behavior has very real consequences. Blaming him allows you to avoid taking responsibility for your triggered behavior, as someone who has ptsd. Please know that even if your behavior is a result of a trigger, that doesn’t mean the other person has to give you another chance.

I hope this is something you are talking about openly and honestly with your therapist.