Relationship Need Help With Ptsd Victim Who Pushes Me Away

[Wanttohelp]

I have been reading a lot of the threads of this site and now I really need some help.

I met a wonderful man 12 months ago who has always been very allouf. We are both going through divorces.

10 years ago he was pulling people put of the Bali bombings and I believe this has caused him to suffer from PTSD. He is also an alcoholic and shows many of the symptoms of depression.

We have spent a number of nights together and have an incredible connection. All he wants to do is lay in my arms and be held. After everyone of these nights he disappears and runs away. Our last night together he was very affectionate and I thought he was finally starting to open up but he ran again as he always does. He keeps telling me I should stay away from him because he is bad news but I am in love with this man and just want to know how to help him!! I keep messaging him to let him know I'm here for him and after a couple of weeks he always comes back. This constant merry go round is really doing my head in.

Now I'm starting to question everything including whether I just cut him out of my life?

Please I really need some help here what do I do to help him????

 

[Justmehere]

He's not going to get better until he decides to get help. Is he in treatment?

I think that the best way you can help him is to get support for yourself. I think going to Al-Anon would be one great step to help. There you will be able to connect with a lot of other people who have loved ones using alcohol to medicate pain. I found it very helpful for myself to learn how to respond to someone with PTSD and alcoholism.

In the end, you can't change him. You can't save him. He has to do it for himself. It is a very hard and painful reality for PTSD and for addiction.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[The Albatross]

He needs to deal with alcohol and PTSD in treatment. A recent article I read suggested that treating them together now is more effective. I dealt with my issues separately as that was the prevailing wisdom at the time. Co-occuring behaviors: Substance Abuse Disorder (SUDS)/substance abuse or addiction and PTSD is no party.

Your man is warning you, in his own way, that he is aware of his behaviors. He needs to deal with them. It is no easy thing for a partner to go along for the ride. I am one of the fortunate ones as my spouse chose to stand by me... but that was not the case before I attempted recovery and getting treatment. He left me three times.

 

[Trice]

@Want to help I agree with Justmehere. I've come to realize that my own emotional and mental health is just important as the sufferer I'm supporting. Educating yourself, getting to know others that are going through similar situations, venting, and for myself I'm looking forward to seeing a life coach/therapist so that I can stay grounded. Self care is important for yourself as he goes through his own growth and realization.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can I ask why he is getting divorced? I am suspecting that perhaps his alcoholism and untreated PTSD may have something to do with it. If so, being in a relationship isn't the best thing for him right now as he needs to work on himself.

 

[amethist]

If he has problems with alcohol and going through a divorce, neither of these are going to help his PTSD.

He needs to deal with each one before he gets into a serious relationship with you, or you will be on a downward spiral.

 

[TLight]

Yup, I agree with the others. Not a good time for either of you to get into a relationship when you haven't gone through the grieving from your divorces. Just my opinion. Jumping into a replacement is not good for either one of you.

 

[Hashi]

...has always been very allouf... PTSD... He is also an alcoholic and shows many of the symptoms of depression.

I am wondering what you get out of this relationship apart from helping him. What does he give you? What does he do for you?

 

[Wanttohelp]

Thank you everyone. We are most in a relationship right now (just dating) and won't be until he gets the help he needs. I know on some level that he understands he needs help because he keeps pushing me away. We does this with language that clearly indicates he knows he is no good for me at this point. Trying to get him to admit it and do something about it has been near impossible. He won't open acknowledge he has an Illness.

Yes his divorce is because of the un treated PTSD and alcoholism and he also cheated on her to complete the hell he put this poor women through.

He is surrounded by people in his life who enable his behaviour (I'm not one of them) which doesn't help.

As you have all so wisely pointed out he has to help himself and get treatment first. As much as I love this man I think I'm hoping off this merry go round for now and let him know I'll always be here for him.

Now is the time for him to sort his own life out before I can ever be a part of it.

 

[Wanttohelp]

@Hashi that's been part of the problem the good times are very few and far between. He is way too screwed up to be happy himself let alone to actually give me what I need. But for some reason I have failed to recognise this till now. I love him and want to help him but can't do that if at this point he doesn't want to help himself.