Need Help

[OneToughCookie]

Severe depression is just really f*cking hard. It's been so bad this week. I made a promise to myself and my boyfriend I wouldn't commit suicide, but I still called a suicide hotline yesterday because the thoughts were so persistent. Suicide is so appealing to me. I usually keep going for others. This morning I came up with a list of a bunch of reasons I still wanted to live for myself (mostly because I might get better one day and am currently seeking more treatment). The things I wrote on the list that I enjoy, I am unable to enjoy when in this mood. I just want this period to be over and find waiting through it very difficult. There are no movies I want to see. "Relaxing" music is annoying.

I'm taking a semester off from school but suck at vacationing from work. Today I took my first actual day off to relax at my boyfriend's urging. When I am being, not doing, suicidal thoughts increase a great deal. Relaxing has turned into being couch-bound and too sad to shower. I don't know what to do other than sit here and stare at a wall. I don't know what to do.

 

[trying to heal]

Sorry you are going through this. I have recently just come out of a very serious SI cycle and I can honestly say it is just a cycle and will pass. Keep building on that list of reasons to stay as it truly becomes a lifeline. Im glad you are seeking further help. Have you got a T? They should probably know about where you are with your SI. Keep coming here and posting i must say with my T and this forum it really did help.

 

[OneToughCookie]

Thanks for listening. I'm so sorry you went through that. :( That's reassuring. I do have a therapist. I was having bad suicidal ideation at the beginning of this week so we had two double sessions this week. It didn't help much. I stared for a while and then found an app called MoodKit that has a mood recording function and some tips to increase your productivity, social engagement, enjoyment, physical activity levels, and healthy habits based on what areas you're struggling with. It at least gives me something to do that will theoretically have an impact in a few weeks, so that gives me some hope and distraction. You're so sweet. I feel you. Posting here when you're in a dark place is so helpful; the members of this forum amaze me with their kindness. :) I really appreciate your posting; it helps me feel cared about and understood. Thank you. I hope your depression lightens even further.