Undiagnosed Need some advice, my first post. emotional abuse & neglect.

[Deleted member 42665]

Hi everyone, I am new. I am in therapy now for 2 months, weekly but a few weeks I went 2x.

Anyway, I suffer from being emotionally abused as a kid and neglected and I sadly moved back in with my mom recently and things are bad again.

I am wondering because this is somewhat connected to that, in the sense that, I did this out of complete fear of angering or disappointing my mom, if I should say anything or if its ok to never mention? Also, if so, what is a good way to say it since I have a lot of shame?

I am 35 and never been kissed, been on a date, or had sex. I am completely scared to be close to guys even in a friend sense because my mom will question them and lecture me. I however, feel more at ease talking to guys and tend to open up more to them. I have a male therapist and I am comfortable with him, its not that I am embarrassed of this topic but more just that I hate this about myself.

The other thing this is tied to, my so called "friends" I do game nights with, one of them knows and makes jokes constantly and tells everyone. I am always mocked for it. I just am not sure if its important information or if its something I can just avoid saying because its hard to admit out loud to people. Any advice?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Is the fact that you have never done these things affecting you? What is the shame caused by? Not having done these things or trauma or friends making fun of you and that "society" says this is "too old" to be a virgin?

If it is affecting you and if there is shame around it but that shame isn't cause by friends making fun then I would tell your therapist.

If it isn't affecting you and if the shame is caused by friends making fun then I would say you dont need to tell your therapist or that its not really needed info. If the shame is fully caused by friends making fun then its not really anything your therapist can help with other then maybe to help you tell them to stop.

Living with your mother and things being "bad again" is something that should be a more prioty to tell your therapist in my opinion, if you haven't already. Bad again doesn't sound good and maybe you need to take steps needed to move out if possible

There isn't a right or wrong way to bring things shameful and embarrasing up to your therapist.

In my experience of telling my therapist A LOT of shameful and embarrasing stuff, you just come out with it. Face covered, head burried in a pillow, head turned (all at once) if needed but you just come out with it.

I let my therapist know I needed to tell him some things but they are shameful and embarrasing and he normally makes a path for me to start telling him. In the beginning, he had me write it down because I couldn't speak of it but I could write pieces of it and so we passed notes for a while. So maybe start by showing him this thread.

 

[Holdingontohope]

I've tried to hide certain things or not discuss certain things with my therapist before. It was not and is not helpful for me. I have found that the things I am scared/ashamed
/embarrassed to talk about, the things I try to avoid or hide are things I really need to address in therapy. Being able to open up about things I never felt like I could talk about before has helped me start healing. Sharing those things with someone who responded in a kind, compassionate, and caring way has been an important step for me in the therapy process.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Is the fact that you have never done these things affecting you? What is the shame caused by...

I should of been more specific in the shame part, whoops. I am more shamed in the sense that 1-- I've only done these things because of my fear of my mom, not because I WANT to be this way and 2-- I feel so behind my peers, it makes me feel like a loser.

The fact that my friends mock me drives me insane but I only see them 1x a month if that, its more or less there, that I am not assertive enough to say anything, but he is working on that. He wants me to practice saying "NO" to him in session.

Also, the mom thing, he knows, we talked about it quite a bit. I do own a home, I got myself into debt and moved back in while someone rents my house. I am only in a 6 month situation with the renter, so I can try to get my life back in order to move back but right now, this is my only option. He said it does make it tougher for him, because I live with her again and its easier for me to fall back into place but I don't think he is giving up on me, yet anyway...

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I know this probably isn't advice about therapy, but I have a good friend, in the same boat as you. She actually has non-abusive parents, but she hasn't kissed or been with a man at the age of 35. She was so focused on her school, music and career, the other part just didn't happen yet. I think that media and society is so oversexualized that it makes people feel embarrassed about something that should be their own personal choice. And I get it that your mom probably treated you in a way to mess sexuality up for you as well. I have another friend whose mom told her she was a slut because she dared to get her ears pieced and have a boyfriend in college. She is now married to this man and they have a family and her mother's voice haunts her nonstop. So be 100 percent open with your therapist and hopefully you can get back in a place where you do not have to live at home. That is harmful as an adult even with non-abusive parents.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

I know this probably isn't advice about therapy, but I have a good friend, in the same boat as you. She...

I agree, it is harmful, I am working on saving money to move back to my home in a few months.

I feel like I would love at the very least a guy friend, but I STILL am afraid of mom finding out and ruining it, so I don't bother... and when I told her I was going to therapy (I needed someone to watch my disabled brother for me when I go) she asked me about "her" and I told her it was a man, and she freaked out. I never told her much more about him though, I went with my comfort level for this, I'd never get anywhere with a female therapist.

I just hate this told she has over me :(

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He said it does make it tougher for him, because I live with her again and its easier for me to fall back into place but I don't think he is giving up on me, yet anyway...

That doesn't sound like he is giving up but just being honest. I was huffing duster for 2 yrs of my therapy and my therapist told me it is almost impossible if not impossible to do any work in therapy if high. He still saw me weekly and helped me as much as he could til my dad moved in and that is when i got clean.

That leads me to my dad. My 76 yr old father lives with me as does my pain pill addict step mom (that is about to be sent to rehab). It is damaging to me to have my dad here. Not really because I am 36 but more because he was a key player in the first half of my trauma, refuses to see he missed anything or did/didn't do anything, and minimizes my trauma to being ok in his head. He says very harmful things to me. He gets mad at me for my issues, refuses to see or aknowledge I have PTSD and then went to the VA to fake PTSD to try to get more VA benefits. That failed. The VA doctor straight up told him he didn't have PTSD.

But, it has always been needed finacially since my accident in '09. I did have a year span of him not here but only 2 months alone as a married in family member asked for help with her sister & her boyfriend so I moved them in as roommates. That was hell and they moved out about 10 months later. One is dead now. But, in those 2 months alone I started to go under already. So, my dad moving out has always been scary money wise as he does pay me rent as well as buys food.

But, I found a job that pays more and where I will get free cable & internet which saves me $200 a month. I found a job where it is possible to live alone. The way that happened isn't good but it happened nonetheless.

If living with your mom is this damaging, you really need to scour all the possible ways to take steps to move. Find ways to make extra money (and there are a lot of easy ways out there) and take those steps.

I feel like I would love at the very least a guy friend, but I STILL am afraid of mom finding out and ruining it, so I don't bother... and when I told her I was going to therapy (I needed someone to watch my disabled brother for me when I go) she asked me about "her" and I told her it was a man, and she freaked out. I never told her much more about him though, I went with my comfort level for this, I'd never get anywhere with a female therapist.

Stop telling your mom shit. My dad asked me how much money I spent at a store (cause he is nosey) and I told him "none of your business". You are an adult and don't need to report everything to your mom. Set a boundry there. Mom, if I am dating or whom I am dating is none of your business! I am an adult. Put her in her place! What I'd do anyway.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

That doesn't sound like he is giving up but just being honest. I was huffing duster for 2 yr...

In this case, I had to, my job is caring for my disabled brother who lives with her, I can't just expect her to take off work and watch him while I am off farting around. I told her, but I withheld further info about him to her.

It also makes it hard with my brother, being "stuck" to her in a sense... and I am working on finding ways to make money. I am looking for a second job or better paying FT job, I apply daily for jobs. I also do pet sitting jobs for extra money when I can and I am literally buying nothing but food, saving everything else.

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Also, I know I need to be more assertive and learn to set boundaries with people, those are two of the things he is gonna work on with me, starting Friday

 

[Deleted member 37474]

In this case, I had to, my job is caring for my disabled brother who lives with her, I can't just ex...

Do you take care of your brother because you want to or because you couldn't find something else that is non-family connected?

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Do you take care of your brother because you want to or because you couldn't find something else that is...

I wanted to at first, but then I got sick of it, and thats part of why I moved out last summer. I want to be able to feel like my own person but so far no luck in work, I need a job that pays as well or better so I can AFFORD to move back on my own. As of now I am stuck in this job, I currently hate

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I wanted to at first, but then I got sick of it, and thats part of why I moved out last summer. I wa...

Yes. Anything to get you away from this role in your life would really help, I think.