Need Some Advice

[ashdawn8287]

I am glad you have worked past the PTSD symptoms and guess what? You did not allow it to be passed on to your girlfriend by talking and processing it on here. Give yourself a pat on the back. That is very good.

With my fiancee I have huge trust issues, but I KNOW I can trust him but sometimes with PTSD it is very hard to do so and he always talks to me and affirms I can trust him. I have to constantly fight and battle my thoughts and PTSD to circle back to what I know-I love him and can trust him and I will not poison our relationship with my PTSD.

I am proud of you for getting to this point and circling back to what you already knew-you can trust her and you do love her.

Start writing that letter! :) OHH even get a post card. Post cards are cool! She needs to know you love her too, seems like she is sweet and has been threw a lot and has her own issues too. I am sure that will cheer her up.

 

[intrasearching]

Begging off now. The situation is wrong because you are feeling badly, justify it how you will. Neither you nor she wants to change, which makes this whole thing seem moot.

Regardless, I sincerely appreciate your responses. It is nice to feel that someone cares. Thank you. I am not rejecting your advice, I am merely considering it among the rest of the things I have to consider.

 

[nursenurse]

Look, you can make her feel better as much as you want, but what is she doing for you? The situation is wrong. PTSD or not, that is my point, and no amount of support or sugar coating it is going to make it better. Look out for yourself a little. The End.

 

[intrasearching]

I am proud of you for getting to this point and circling back to what you already knew-you can trust her and you do love her.

Your kindness and what you have relayed to me actually made me cry. That is very rare for an internet correspondence. Thank you. You are so right.

I cannot let my PTSD (or whatever this fear is) poison my relationship. I have been blessed with someone who wants to support me and understands my PTSD. She has not left yet, has not ever considered it. She just is hurt and run down by feeling like I am constantly thinking she is untrustworthy. She says it makes her feel like I think she is evil. She even tells me to not pay attention to what "evil Grace (her name)" does in my head. She tells me that when my imagination starts running wild I have to focus on what reality has shown me. And I am no fool, I experienced it firsthand countless times. She has a deep, serious love for me, and anything that says otherwise is my own baggage and nothing more.

Even if she did someday betray my trust, that would only reflect on her. She has made so many strong and firm affirmations and commitments to me. We have had so many deeply intimate, almost spiritual moments, that if she betrayed me, it would be an egregious act that would completely sully any reputation she could have as a decent person.

And yes, I have to keep navigating through the PTSD (or whatever it is) haze. Every time I do, I come to the same conclusion: everything is still fine and I freaked out for nothing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

But living with the Ex, especially if the newbie finds it disconcerting, is highly disrespectful to that person, you, and is wanting their cake and eat it too.

EXACTLY !

Ten posts back I was thinking this. Glad someone else can see this.

I call horse hockey on the money issue since she has savings and has flown to visit you numerous times. She's not THAT destitute and she isn't even making an attempt to move on from him. This chick needs to learn independence and stop depending on guys. (I'm guessing she's never been single as an adult, nor for the few years before adulthood as well.)

Edited to add.

Stop blaming this issue on PTSD. I think that's what irks me about this whole situation. "Oh, my girlfriend is living with her ex boyfriend. It MUST be the PTSD because normal non-PTSD people would be totally cool with this situation!" Please, no. It's not PTSD. It's called being human.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Intrasearchin - It's me, Drew, again. I decided to hold off a little while and see how others responded to your posts and how you would reply before writing again.

I haven't been on the boards for too long so I don't know a lot about your history. The following is a combination of my perceptions from your posts and my thoughts gleaned from what you have written (please confirm or correct me where I'm off base):

You had a traumatic childhood: you feel your parents didn't love you, possibly abandoned by your parents at a young age and/or abused as a young child and maybe later on as well.

It's obvious from how you write that you're intelligent. I suspect you get good grades in college.

You've been diagnosed with PTSD. [It's common that other issues come into play with PTSD] I suspect another issue is at play with you - perhaps OCD. Your symptoms include compulsively thinking about many things, anxiety, extreme irritation or anger at times, a lack of impulse control, anxiety, and nervousness that may become very apparent at times in your speech.

You're "young" - maybe 20 to 22?

You've gotten to know a girl who was an orphan. Because of similarities in each of your backgrounds, she understands things about you that perhaps many other people don't. You love her very much, and she says she loves you.

How am I doing so far?

 

[nursenurse]

Right on the money, Solara. We will only get back what we allow.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I am glad you can see this intra and I am sorry people are making you doubt the relationship more. Don't let that happen.

Your relationship sounds just like me and my fiancees (minus the distance). It is a battle. I am sorry I made you cry and I hope it was happy tears. My fiancee is such a decent and respectable man. He gets very hurt and upset when he thinks I don't trust him and it makes him even more distance, that is the last thing you guys need with the already geographical distance. I find when I trust my fiancee and really try hard, our relationship is SO much better and happier.

I ended up ignoring people on here. I understand they are trying to get you to see the other side, but it was getting a little bit too much. They have no right passing judgment on what seems like your sweet but troubled girlfriend. Help her help herself. She needs it and needs you. I know a lot of people don't stick around for PTSD, it is so nice when you finally find someone you connect with that deep and they can see past all the hurt and see the core of you and try to bring it out. It is even equally more important when you face your past and help your significant other do the same. My fiancee was physically abused growing up he is troubled and he follows my lead. Figuratively take her hand and bring her up with you.

I doubt her intentions are too hurt you and her issues with not being able to make friends comes from her growing up the way she did. If you guys are distant like you are and if she really wanted to be with her ex, it would have been over by now in my opinion. The fact you guys are still together and love each other so much still and with her living with her ex and her not giving up on you and helping you with PTSD is huge for us sufferers.

 

[intrasearching]

I am sorry I made you cry and I hope it was happy tears.

I will respond in more detail shortly but just know that they were happy tears!

I don't need to justify myself in any way other than by saying that I know that you and Drew are more right about this because I can see all the truths in your posts that I have experienced for myself. I feel connections with what both of you have said. The details are relevant to me and my girlfriend.

Your relationship with your fiancee reminds me of my relationship as well, based on what you say, and minus the distance. :) I can understand my girlfriend's reaction; it is painful to be scrutinized in such a way by someone you love. She is not a bad person and has built part of her identity around being dependable.

 

[intrasearching]

You've gotten to know a girl who was an orphan. Because of similarities in each of your backgrounds, she understands things about you that perhaps many other people don't. You love her very much, and she says she loves you.

How am I doing so far?

Drew, you are spot-on.

I had a YouTube channel for a while in which I detailed my experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc. I received a message after about a year of having the channel from a girl who said she was very interested in what I had to say and that she was wanting to get more in touch with her emotions. She wanted to email me and I hesitantly agreed. I was nervous to talk to a stranger online but I figured I could withdraw if it felt wrong.

I continued corresponding with her until eventually she confessed that she had strong feelings for me. She related a lot to what I talked about in my videos and talking to me through email strengthened those feelings. Eventually we met and the relationship was stellar. It's only been my PTSD and, yes, I think my OCD that has caused issues.

I believe that I have OCD because I have many specific fears that are native to OCD and the thoughts that come are so vivid and painful and I cannot control them. However, psychologists will not diagnose me, probably because my OCD is not typical enough. I fear germs somewhat, for example, but I do not scrub everything around me all day. I do not have very obvious compulsions. It's all in my head. I have many intrusive thoughts about my girlfriend sleeping with her ex, hiding things from me, etc. They are so vivid, so painful, and they come into my head all day.

I am 21, by the way.

And just to clarify, I know she loves me. Our experiences together cannot deny that. She has cried with me on several occasions because of how upset she was about everything that happened to me in childhood. We have embraced each other and bawled our eyes out over the cruelty of adults and what they did to me. She wasn't crying for herself. She was crying for me. She feels what I feel and she wants me to be happy.

 

[nursenurse]

No one wants your relationship to break, but there is something seriously wrong here, and especially with anyone who makes you take the blame, which I have not done. Something totally out of the ordinary bothers you, and you can justify it any way you can, and you will always find someone to justify it for you. It does not make it right. She can change the situation if she wants, and if you want. You are not wrong in your feelings with the situation being wrong.

 

[DMerish]

I am 21, by the way.

^ Hehe - That's a great age! What are you studying in college, if I may ask -