Need Some Advice

[intrasearching]

OK, if I set all other things aside, I think it's inconvenient and maybe selfish that she will not stop living with her ex. I feel conflicted because I know it's a money issue. The way she talks, she really does not like the guy in any way beyond friendship.

But it's really brazen, in a way, to come into my life, tell me she is living with her ex, and want to start a relationship with me. I was almost forced into a really uncomfortable situation. She made me fall madly in love with her, only to have to wait long stretches of time to see her, and know that all the while she is still connected with her ex in some capacity. It is not very sensible, socially speaking. She is doing the convenient thing for herself and just expects that I can handle it. Maybe I can't?

I am wondering if it would just be a destructive waste to pose an ultimatum, for her to find a new roommate, to move out, or to break up. We have something really good that I wouldn't want to throw away, but this is so much stress that it diminishes my quality of life. I am very attached to her and fear the pain of losing her.

 

[intrasearching]

You are blaming yourself. If she cheats, you will have to deal with that, never mind her. The heart wants what it wants. the bottom line is, you are uncomfortable with the situation. She can change that, there is always a way, if you care about the significant other in your life. Do not sell yourself short. I am not PTSD and have gone through everything you are going through. She can adjust, find another roomie, if you are that important and your feelings matter, this would not be an issue. What you are looking at are deeper issues that will affect you in the long run.

I stand as most always, with my original stance.

What do you suggest I do?

I don't want to lose her.

 

[nursenurse]

I do not know her, I am protecting you, harshly, it seems. By being here, you are defending the relationship, there is something wrong with it which is why you are here. You are uncomfortable. If I do something that makes my guy feel uncomfortable, he tells me, I stop. Same goes the other way. This is usually along the lines like the cap off the toothpaste. Living with the Ex?? Uh, no. No. No.

 

[ashdawn8287]

If she has those abandonment issues maybe see if she can seek therapy at her school to help her be able to be more independent and less reliable on her ex. Just a suggestion.

Also, just because someone does not have PTSD, does not mean they don't have trust issues.

 

[nursenurse]

You are losing yourself.

 

[intrasearching]

OK, well what if she really can't afford to move and/or find a new roommate? What if everything she says is true and she really does love me deeply, without any skeletons in the closet? If I jump ship I could be losing something really great. But yes, others have said they wouldn't do that to their partner. I am not sure how to feel about that. All I know is that this fear of being cheated on is making me sick every day.

 

[nursenurse]

We all have trust issues, they are the basis of any relationship. But living with the Ex, especially if the newbie finds it disconcerting, is highly disrespectful to that person, you, and is wanting their cake and eat it too. Still standing with what I said, no one is worth it. She is not abandoning you, get that out of your head.

 

[ashdawn8287]

If I were you intra I would honestly suggest her to get help to help herself get out of that situation as it seems she is stuck and needs some sort of direction.

 

[nursenurse]

But that is not the truth as you told it. Stop with the conjectures. If you love her and can put up with the disrespect, then do so. If the fear of being cheated on is making you sick, then deal with it. What she is doing, bottom line, is not the norm, and very few folks in the non PTSD world would be able to put up with it. Get counselling, you need to be stronger within yourself. You are good , you are strong. You do not need the prospect of a cheater to uplift you. You do not need to leave, but make your feelings unapologetically known, wait for her response, then make a decision. This is nonsense from the bottom up. You are feeling badly, and I care about you.

 

[ashdawn8287]

And it seems like you are trying to make him feel worse. I don't know her and I don't know there relationship. He was asking for comfort and explained he trusts her, but his PTSD is getting in the way. It's 2013 not the 1950s young people do this stuff nowadays. It isn't completely out of the norm depending on what country you are in and what society you are living in. There is no evidence that she has cheated on him. I don't pass judgment on people I don't know.

 

[nursenurse]

Support comes in different forms. If the underlying problem, which he is ceasing to address, is what is causing the problem, then I will point it out. I am not trying to make him feel worse, but to help him see the problem. He is uncomfortable with the situation. That is my concern. And she is doing nothing about it. And he is blaming himself. Two wrongs which are not adding up to a right.

 

[intrasearching]

And it seems like you are trying to make him feel worse. I don't know her and I don't know there relationship. He was asking for comfort and explained he trusts her, but his PTSD is getting in the way. It's 2013 not the 1950s young people do this stuff nowadays. It isn't completely out of the norm depending on what country you are in and what society you are living in. There is no evidence that she has cheated on him. I don't pass judgment on people I don't know.

Thank you for that. I was typing a long response but then my computer crashed.

What you said basically allows me to not have to explain everything.

Basically, I was getting caught up in my anxiety. I've been doing it for years. Based on the experiences I've said with my girlfriend, intuition shows me she is true-blue. It's only when my imagination goes wild that I think she will hurt me. She is very constructive in my healing process. She is involved and tries to help me every day. She gets defensive when I unleash anxiety at her about the whole ex thing or fear of betrayal. She is supportive but not when I accuse her or try to insinuate that she needs to move or whatever.

She is finishing community college and at the end of the year we are going to move to wherever she enrolls for university. She originally wanted to move in with me this summer but she found out that if she did so she would have to pay more for out-of-state tuition than she could afford.

My intuition tells me this ex relationship is innocuous and that the love she has shown me is true.

I thank everyone here for their support. I know that even when people tell me it's a dangerous, wrong situation it's because they want to help me.

But I have conversed with my parents who both know my girlfriend very well. She lived with all of us for three whole months. They say they know that she is good for her word and that she loves me and is good for me. I appreciate what everyone says to try and help me but I think rationality would have it that I should trust the people who actually know my girlfriend. On the surface, as my girlfriend said, it's a crappy situation and any generic advice on this issue is usually right but it's generic and does not apply because no one online knows her or her life, or me and mine, for that matter.

I welcome any further input but in this process of inquiry I've realized just how well I know and trust my girlfriend. When my anxiety goes away I can see things more clearly and know that hypervigilance plagues me and causes everything to seem dangerous. When I am not worried about my girlfriend leaving me, I am worried about having a serious mental disorder or being poor, useless, etc.

My girlfriend is a good person. The real issue is my anxiety. Even if I can't cause her to break up with me over this stuff, I can certainly wear her down to a point where she has to create a lot of distance. I don't want to do that and I need to learn how to work through my fear and not react to it. And anyway, the anxiety hurts me a lot and I sure don't like it! So it needs to go! That is the tricky part.

Thank you again to all who replied. It has helped me immensely in my reflection and appraisal process.

 

[nursenurse]

Begging off now. The situation is wrong because you are feeling badly, justify it how you will. Neither you nor she wants to change, which makes this whole thing seem moot.