Need Some Advice

[ashdawn8287]

Aw no problem. I am glad you are feeling better and used a smiley face. Good job and I really am proud of you.

I am glad we all connected on here :).

Nice to meet other MBTI people too.:).

 

[DMerish]

Anyhoo, Intrasearching, I think it's wonderful that you've gotten to know a kindred spirit (your girlfriend).

However, the both of you have a lot going on . . . personally within yourselves, your college studies, she and the ex boyfriend/now roommate situation, you've mentioned your parents a couple of times (so I kind of think something is up with them, eh?), and, man oh man, when you're young you've got all those wonderful hormones wrecking havoc too!

It sounds to me like your girlfriend is stuck - stuck either thinking she has no other option of finding another place to live or afraid to leave what's familiar / comfortable. I liked the suggestion that rather than focusing on your concerns that she may leave you, that if you focus on her long range health that it will also help yours. At the very least, living in a different situation for her will help her to develop her own self, so that when she's really ready to settle down with someone (hopefully, you) she'll do it from a place of wanting to rather than a place of need.

That goes the same for you also Intrasearching. My guess is that the relationship with this girl either is one of the few, if any, really close relationships you've had with a female. Nothing wrong with "saving yourself" - but a whole lot of stuff goes into forming a long, long term relationship. Forming a relationship based on need or similarities in backgrounds isn't always the most healthy in the long run.

You don't want to lose her. But the reality is that you could at any moment and for a variety of reasons. So all you can do is focus on your own healing, acceptance of yourself, do what you need to do for your own well being, now and in the future, while giving her the support she needs to heal from the past as well. You do that, and regardless of what happens between the two of you you will know in your heart you did your best for yourself and for her.

Does this make sense?

 

[intrasearching]

My guess is that the relationship with this girl either is one of the few, if any, really close relationships you've had with a female. Nothing wrong with "saving yourself" - but a whole lot of stuff goes into forming a long, long term relationship. Forming a relationship based on need or similarities in backgrounds isn't always the most healthy in the long run.

Your advice is valuable to me. Actually, however, I have had many valuable female relationships. Most of my friends have been female and I have had several girlfriends. If it illustrates a different picture, it may be valuable for you to know that my girlfriend is 10 years my senior. She didn't know how young I was over the internet, and when she found out, she said she was devastated, but eventually decided that my age was not important because I was mature internally.

She knows what she wants. She has convinced me that I am what she wants and that she means business. She is living with her ex for financial reasons and when the school year ends we will be moving together (assuming nothing changes, which I don't expect it to). She is friendly with her ex. They cooperate in an effort to design video games. He is a good guy. I am not sure if she has issues with living alone. I suspect she could, given her background, but really in this situation there is no room for me to suggest she move right now. She is living a meager student existence and uprooting her life at this time would be counterproductive. As much as I wish she could get a place of her own, I have come to terms that it doesn't make sense for her right now.

 

[DMerish]

As much as I wish she could get a place of her own, I have come to terms that it doesn't make sense for her right now.

Well, okay then. Therein lies the answer. Trust. Compassion. Let it go. It's not something you can control.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

My PTSD partner is in a similar situation to you. We met via the internet. I live with my ex-husband, who I usually refer to as my house-mate.

I am in a similar situation to your girlfriend. I was with my ex for 11 years and, whilst it is hard to explain succinctly on an internet forum, I guess I wasn't really in love with him either; I just thought I was. We jointly own the house, and neither of us can afford to take it on alone, and whilst paying for the house neither of us can afford to move out either.

I was very conscious of how some people (like Nursenurse) would judge my situation and was lucky enough to be able to introduce the new guy to the old one very early on in our relationship. It was a very brief meeting, everyone knew what was going to happen so there were no surpises. 'New' came to the house to pick me up, and 'old' opened the door. They were able to introduce themselves and shake hands, and then 'new' and I left.

When 'old' goes away for the weekend 'new' comes to stay with me. Everyone knows exactly where they stand, there are no secrets.

I can't give you any advice, I just wanted you to know that your situation is not entirely unique. I adore 'new' and would never do anything to jeopardise our relationship, least of all with my ex.

Good luck!

 

[intrasearching]

Purplemunchkin, thank you for sharing. It is valuable to me to hear your perspective because it is rarer and very similar to what my girlfriend is going through. We are very long distance (east coast - west coast) and so I have not been able to meet her ex. I have perhaps had the long distance equivalent to a handshake; she told him everything about me from the beginning and likewise everything about him to me. He knows very well that she is with me. She came to stay with me from May to August and had very little contact with him while she was with me.

By all accounts, everything seems to be in order. It's just my fear of abandonment getting the better of me...