Need To Open Up To Therapist.... And I 'just Cant' :(

[OntheEdge]

Hi there, this is something I have NEVER done before... and most likely will not intend to do again. I have literally hit a brick wall.

I've been seeing my therapist for a few months now and as much as I hate to admit it I'm starting to feel like I can trust her, which worries me, and I don't know why :(Every week I go in for that dreaded emotional hour and I walk away feeling I haven't gained anything from it.

My therapist is a wonderful lady, so thoughtful, very considerate, makes me feel at ease and I feel safe in that room with her, however I have so many things to tell her about how I feel and other things that have happened in my life and I just cannot for the life of me find the words to speak. Whenever she asks me how I am or asks me any questions I just clam up or make a joke to avoid the real issue. I know I cant carry on with this because this is the whole point of therapy.. talking!

I feel ashamed and embarrassed that she only has to say one word and I burst into tears :(

I've kept things away from her because I feel she knows too much already about my life and what I've faced in the past and I suppose I don't see its necessary for her to know absolutely everything, but as the weeks have gone on the one subject that is partly the reason why I have panic attacks, have phobias etc etc, I just cant seem to bring myself to talk about. I want to walk in sit down and just come out with everything but there is always 'something' stopping me from opening up. I'm scared if I tell her how I really feel and how depressed I really am, she is gonna get me locked up, as crazy as that sounds that's my biggest fear. The more the weeks go on and the more I hide how I feel the more I feel depressed.

I know she cant help me if I don't 'talk' about how I feel but everything just seems so deep rooted and complex that I guess I worry she is just going to think I'm moaning or someone who just 'cant get a grip'.

I seriously need advice on how to get past this, because this is really starting to effect the sessions that I'm having because I just cant get past this brick wall that I've built in front of me and as much as she is trying to knock it down I'm building it back up. I don't want a wall in the way. Yes I have my own defense because I don't want to get hurt, but I want to be able to be open and honest with this one person who has the chance to make my life that little bit easier.

She knows I'm critical of myself and other things that she said has made me feel nervous because its like she has got into my head and can see all the things that I've been trying to keep buried with this fake persona I give out. Its like no matter how much reassurance she gives me about trust, confidentiality, not judging me.... it doesn't register in my brain. Its like I still don't believe her even though she is sat right opposite me looking me in the eye and telling me..... and so then I just feel so guilty that she is there to help me and I am not giving anything back to help myself :(

Any advice would be so helpful please. I wouldn't of posted this if i wasn't desperate xx

 

[Red Feather]

I have the same problem. All I can say is baby steps and try to reduce the amount of blame and guilt you are willingly or unwillingly putting on yourself. Just take the tiniest of baby steps, even if that means breaking into tears. I am sure the time will come when you feel you can open up yourself.

You are already making huge steps by looking for support here. There is no way to force the issue. That is why it is so hard for you, because I think you are trying to force it out of yourself, and not really forgiving of yourself that this is not possible. It's all okay, and you are on your way to healing. No kidding.

I think I should listen to my own advice too. Hugs and welcome to the forum.

 

[OntheEdge]

Thank you for replying.... when I re-read what Iput I thought what a moaner :(

I would love to say I want to get back to the person I was but its been that long that I cant even remember what I was like. I can talk to her about anxiety, panic attacks, depression, eating problems.... all that as hard as it is I can talk about but sometimes these little feelings creep into my head about how I 'really' think about myself and what I really' feel when my anxiety starts. Then I get scared and nervous and can feel that lump in my throat and then before I know it tears are dropping down my face, and then its the same all over again me apologizing for crying. The therapist saying I dont need to apologize, me apologizing for apologizing...... I'm so fearful of her reaction to me... I think its because she is a therapist, its her job to be sympathetic towards me and I have always said I dont want pity or sympathy and maybe I do need someone to just sympathize and say 'it wasn't your fault', but my feelings of guilt and blame have been in me for 13 years, its who I am...

If the blame is completely on me for putting myself in a stupid situation then i have 'control' over my emotions. none of this probably makes no sense at all.... its late, im upset, confused and im rambling on the keyboard ;) xx

 

[OntheEdge]

I suppose I could bite the bullet and instead of 'telling' her all of this I could print this out and get her to read it?... Or even read this out to her?.... I just dont know what to do without feeling like I haven't got control over this situation or my feelings any more.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

If moaning means you're healing, then moan away! Definitely not a negative here. I totally know what you are going through. I find myself doing that too when there are days that I feel suicidal, where I actually wouldn't do anything but the thoughts scare me and I want to share them with someone, but I'm too afraid to tell my T in fear that she will have me institutionalized.

I really think it's okay to tell your T how depressed you are feeling. I finally did with mine, as I didn't for a year, but when I finally did, she understood that I meant business and that I really need to upgrade my therapy sessions. She has since started talking more in session and I leave feeling so much more processed. Maybe you are ready for that, for that little push to open up. You can trust her. She is there to help. I know it's scary. I'm scared with you and we can do it together!!

(((BIG HUGS)))

 

[TeaLeaf]

I used to be really unable to talk about what was troubling me. For about the first year of therapy, I played scrabble with my therapist while either talking about small talk or a little bit about my issues because it was just too hard for me to open up. I couldn't have forced myself to do it even though I knew she didn't give me any reason not to trust her. It was worth it, I had trust issues and needed lots of time and something non threatening to get me to open up. Give yourself time, I know it seems like a few months is a long time but I would guess you have a reason that it is hard for you to open up and trust.

Therapists will not "lock you up" unless you are a danger to yourself or others. This means that if you have plans to kill yourself soon, the means to do it AND are not emotionally stable enough to reach out for help before harming yourself. I have talked about thoughts of suicide many times with my therapist and she has never made me feel like I was crazy, your therapist sounds equally empathetic.

I strongly recommend talking with your therapist about how hard it is for you to open up, even if she knows, talking about it more can help. And try not to be too hard on yourself, you are really doing the best you can right now and trust takes time even when we are pretty sure we can trust the person on the other end.

 

[Red Feather]

I heard once tears are a form of prelanguage, i.e. tears are sometimes what comes when it is impossible to speak. It is also a way of communicating you know?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

That's so true Nadia. I've never cried in front of my T before until yesterday and I've been seeing her a whole year. I felt so vulnerable and was so apologetic, but it helped me open up. For some reason, crying really helped me get some awful stuff out. Great advice you give!!

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

My T always has a way with me when I'm beating myself up. You know, how we do the ole, "OK. I get it. Hello! I was abused. I get it. Great. It makes sense. Now, why can't it just go away and stop plaguing me?"

She says to me, "Well, Jami. You are trying to take 25 years of terror and fix it in 15 hours!" Somehow, my brain says, "Oh yeah.", and then I feel better. It seems so simple, yet profound at the same time. I'm unable to remind myself of that at times, but I am starting to more and more.

Just stick with it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Let her help you. The way you are feeling right now is a very normal part of the process. I have read books on that stuff about therapy because I want to be one myself some day. There are moments in therapy where trust is formed, connection is created, moments when we will get mad at our Ts, etc etc. It is ALL normal what you are going through, I promise. I know it seems very, very bleak at times, but when you start to feel like, "Oh crap! God, I thought I got rid of that! Why is it still happening?", my T always says, "Jami, life isn't that linear!" I remind myself of that often because it really does help me to stop beating myself up so much.

 

[Red Feather]

I haven't actually tried printing out and just handing the pages to the T or doctor. I want to do it for my doctor. Lots of people on this site have told me they do this. I want to tell my doctor so much and everytime I get in his office I just freeze up and it's really hard. I am in the process of changing T's but I might just do that again if I have to. I can write so much better than I can speak, especially if I feel uncomfortable.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Oh, that's a great idea! I never thought of that. I do know that when I write in my journal about uncomfortable things, I have found that reading it out loud in my room helps me hear it from my own mouth and I have had several breakthroughs on my own doing that.

 

[Red Feather]

I alway write emails to people and sometimes I don't even send them, I just read over them over and over again. If I sent it I also read over it. It helps me understand myself better. I haven't had a T for so long, and now will probably have to change again. I've had really bad luck with T's this year. And I have been working throught things mostly all by myself. That might be one of the reasons I am having such difficultis opening up as well.