Need To Open Up To Therapist.... And I 'just Cant' :(

[EvenStrongerNow]

Sorry to hear that Nadia. I know that's tough. I know I got really lucky and felt like I hit the jackpot. My T was the first one I called lol, but it took me a long time to even look at her face or in the eyes in our sessions. You're not nuts. You will find a good one when you are ready, and I can't wait to hear about it :)

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

If the blame is completely on me for putting myself in a stupid situation then i have 'control' over my emotions. none of this probably makes no sense at all.... its late, im upset, confused and im rambling on the keyboard ;) xx

Oh and I wanted to say how I think many of us can relate to what you describe here. You make perfect sense. I think it is safe to say we all self blame as a means to have control because it is very difficult to face what we fear so much. And it sucks that we do not have a lot of control over it right now. Sure, we can work through it to where those things we fear will have less power over us, but it is a frustrating process.

For example, in my therapy session Monday, I raised a question. Why have I started being critical of my husband? I have a great man and I dont know why it is happening. AllI know is that I dont want to be this way. Then, I went on blaming myself and saying how I am concerned that i am making him feel like he is on egg shells, etc but my efforts in fixing it keep hitting a wall.

After discussing the ways Im critical and what about, my T helped me realize that when Im criticizing him in some ways, it is because the only example I ever had of a man was my abuser growing up, the one who terrorized me. Im so afraid of my husband turning into him, that annnnnything he does that reminds me, I have a subconscious need to control so that it never happens.

Then, she helped me realize that, in one example, doing the dishes. I am a huge perfectionist with washing them, and my husband often helps me by doing them. If he doesnt clean them right, I get really frustrated. Well, when I was a kid, I was beaten if the dishes werent cleaned good enough, and all sorts of things. So, doing the dishes at all reminds me of that terror, if I dont do them perfectly, Im reminded so I impose the same standards on my partner and him not doing them right reminds me of the terror.

The point is, there are a lot of things like that she helped me realize that because of the reminders and the fear, Im not allowing others to be human because Im reliving the terror every time I am reminded. That was so freeing to come to terms with. After that session, I have started being able to notice things on my own. Like, I always feel horrible that I dont wash the coffee pot. Well, I realized it is because I once broke the pot off the faucet as a kid and was beaten for it. So I kept breaking new ones after that because of the fear. So, now as an adult, everytime I wash the pot, I am reminded and I see how careful I am not to break it. I just dont wash the pot at all!

It seems like really little things, but the subconscious fear is so great that it trumps all when being reminded a lot of the times so we blame ourselves or others as a means to control. Telling ourselves that we are crazy is a way to try and make sense out of the senseless--what happened to us. But we arent crazy! I am learning that when I feel like that or when Im having a bad reaction to something that seems normal where I am asking myself what the heck was that, or why am I being this way.......those are clues! Clues to throw off my self blame blanket and really look at the situation. Questions like, what is reminding me? Or, what else is at play here? This analysis minus the self search and destroy mission will empower me to release more and more of the power the trauma has over me by uncovering what is really going on.

What is really going on? We arent crazy! Incomprehensible and demoralizing things happened to us, horrible things, and it is not our fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault! It is not your fault!! You arent crazy! You are reacting to a shit storm in a very real and normal way.

You are incredible! You survived! You are a miracle!!!

 

[OntheEdge]

Hi there, thank you for your comments, sorry it has taken so reply in thanking you. its been a mad day! i really do appreciate the time you have taken to read my post and pass your thoughts on. it is nice to know im not the 'only' one. sometimes it can feel like your the only one in the world that has these feeling and it can feel quite suffocating. i would love to try and give out 'advice' and try to help others, but im not going to patronise or sound cliche but i really dont think at the moment im in a good position to.

i have another session on Monday and i keep telling myself, im going to go in there and just tell her i have to say some things just to get them 'out there' but i just know come monday ill walk in she will ask how my weeks been and ill just say 'ok' she'll ask if there anything thats happened and ill just say no or i dont want to talk about it.......... i dont want to waste her time but i also want to scream and sob and tell her just how it is, the pain im feeling inside, the bitterness i carry towards people who have made me this way. its this stupid brick wall that i cant seem to knock down, i dont know if its the fear of verbally saying things or the fear of her reaction. its finding those words to say.

a part of me is feeling like i just want to type it all out on hear and get it 'out there' to kind of test the boundaries but then a part of me thinks dont be so silly, people dont need to hear this.... gggrrr im so negative in my thinking its unreal.

 

[piratelady]

If you feel like you want to get it all out there, and typing it out is a way you can do that, then do it! Sometimes just having someone to listen/read what you are going through can be a huge help. And, you can always print it out and take it to therapy with you on Monday. Sometimes it is easier to type than to speak :).

 

[lenlen]

If you must worry about her, then think that she can be frustrated with herself for not being able to help you. So you would actually be helping her by letting her know how you feel.

I think printing out your initial post and handing it to her to read would be a great idea. A bunch of people suggested it and it's my reaction as well. If you communicate with your therapist by e-mail, then you could send this prior to the session.

Somehow it's about realizing your role in the therapeutic relationship. Your job is to be honest and not to hold back. Even if you can't say the things that you would like to say, you need to let her know.

Could you just tell her at the beginning: I have lots of things that I would like to say but I can't seem to get them out?? She might have some tricks to help you. But if you keep on putting on a good show of being OK, then she has no chance.

You know, I went through years of this -- pretending that everything was OK and smiling. In life and in therapy. It wasn't until I acknowledged the situation: here is my therapist. S/he is here for me, not the other way around. Here I am. I have thoughts. Some are true, some are not but they are all mine. S/he can't help me unless I let my thoughts be known. Even if those thoughts are not pretty, they need to be expressed if I am to let them go. Also these thoughts, are not who I am.

Hope this helps you. Good luck and take your time.

 

[Elizabeth-Ann]

OntheEdge,
Me too, I feel the same. I do not have much experience yet, but I guess just being patient and continuing... Nothing you tell her is without importance, just talk about what is "headmost", this is what my therapist advises me. Like this she gets to know you better, how wou "function" and what your life was/is.

As I said I have not very much experience, but I feel that I was at the same point for many, many months now, and that last week and this week something starts to change. It feels like the relationship got strong enough and that my therapist knows me well enough that I can start opening up and talking about the "heavy stuff" now.

Me too, I really wantet to talk about all this earlier and I was in a way fearful not to take the chance by talking immediately. I felt guilty for abusing my therapists time even!

But now I realize that everything takes time for me, that even this long and supposedly useless prelude was therapeutic, and very important. I start believing that I am worth this time, that I truely need it and that my therapist is not just "enduring" me, but genuinely listening and helping me. This feels very good! ;)

It is so hard, but I wish you strength, determination and a lot of patience to go ahead in you own rythm towards full and true healing and peace!

Big hug!

 

[Britt.f7]

I think you can hit a plateau with just about anything. This doesn't mean that you will remain stuck there. It just means, for right now, this is where you will be. I'm sure she understands this. She'll wait until you come around, or if you don't seem to be, she will, probably help guide you.

Now, I agree with printing out your post and giving it to her. This will probably help you get over the bump. When my social isolation became very bad, I wrote about it in my blog. Then, because I couldn't figure out why I could not get this out to her or my med doctor, I asked them to read it. She did, the med doctor did not. She also read some of my other pieces. I think this helped her get a better understanding of what was going on. I would think they would welcome this from any of their patients. When I was 16 and in therapy, I gave my therapist a book of my writings. He appreciated this because it gave him insight. He was able to take those writings and work with me through them. I almost forgot this until just now.

My T tends to ask me how I am doing as we walk in through the door of the waiting room into the hall before her room. I know that sometimes other's can hear and it really bugs me. I usually answer okay and ask her how she is. Then we get in the room, behind a closed door, and she asks me again so that she can get a real answer. I try to remember, having just learned this in intense out patient therapy, to not answer with an okay or fine. To pick a "real" feeling. Not very easy, though you would think it would be.

As far as crying, I ended up inpatient because I couldn't stop crying. Thankfully they got this under control with meds. I felt like a blubbering idiot. Though, I wish I had told someone seven years ago, when I was working, that I had a hard time not crying. It would have saved me a lot of embarrassment and work grief. For whatever reasons, I do not like taking a tissue when I start crying. I don't know, maybe it is, then, confirming that I am crying. I usually refuse, unless I absolutely need it. When I start crying it makes me think, wow this stuff must really bother me. Sometimes that is the only cue I get. It ends up surprising me.

I do hope you end up giving your T the printed form. It really is okay. Sometimes that is the only way we can communicate.