Need To Vent/be Accountable

[EvenStrongerNow]

So I experienced a period of time where I felt joy. And then, Saturday, there were a couple of triggers. We were out by the beach and looking at hats in a store--my husband and I. There was a hat that reminded me of my ex. I remember thinking it reminded me of him but I felt OK. We walked out of the store and there was a guy on the corner with a girl. He had a hat on like my ex.

I had to do a double take because for a second I thought it was him. I felt really unnerved and upset. Then, I remembered that he is dead now. He died over a month ago. What is my problem? I thought. He is dead now. I don't have a right to feel this way anymore.

Then, I started minimizing what happened to me. I started comparing my experience to the experience of other women and told myself that what happened to me with my ex--told myself it wasn't that bad. Told myself I should be over it by now. Then, Sunday morning, I felt anxiety about not having a job yet when I first opened my eyes. I started feeling not good enough. I started fearing that my husband is going to leave me any moment, started feeling unattractive. All kinds of thoughts flooded my mind.

Then, we started talking about house buying and I started fearing that I couldn't have a future.

There was some kind of a thing on TV about self limitations. I started feeling like I was selfish for having limitations. I started feeling like everything was my fault. I started thinking about trauma and was re-experiencing.

And then, boom.

The depression hit me. So, I felt depressed all day yesterday and also today. I feel so bad. Even though my husband tells me I'm beautiful and that he will never leave me, I don't believe him. I feel like I just suck at life. I feel so bad for him. He deserves a wife who doesn't have PTSD. I didn't ask for this. The depression doesn't feel good at all.

I should've just opened my mouth and talked about the triggers. For some reason, in that moment, I was so afraid that if I did, I thought it was inappropriate to bring that up with my husband. Just out of nowhere, I was afraid that he would leave me if I kept having triggers about my ex. Here I am, married to him now...he doesn't deserve that. But I should've just opened my mouth and used the grounding tools I was taught. Instead, I did a grin and bear it. And this happens. At least I think that's what happened. It's the only thing I can logically think of--the series of thought processes that led me to feeling like this.

I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I couldn't have life be any better. I'm married to my best friend and he works. He tells me all of the time that I can take my time with this. He supports me endlessly and has never abused me. He talks about how hard life is and that he didn't have the life purpose that I have when he was my age. He's 14 years older than me. It helps me feel better, the things he says. It's just like I have this clock ticking in my head while he is talking to me. I think that at any minute, my time is going to run out or something. It's absurd.

When we talk about house buying, I get really worked up, feeling like, "Oh my gosh, he is the only one working. I'm not contributing. I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not doing enough" etc. Even though he tells me, "Hey, we are on the road to buying a house because of you. Left up to my own devices, I would have a bunch of man toys and no house. You do so much for us and bring so much to the marriage that I couldn't do." Even though he says that stuff, it's like I can't see my worth through it when I feel like this. Thanks so much for listening. Feeling not good enough is so insidious. There are times when I still forget that I have PTSD so when it bites me, it's like ugh!

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, I'm listening and I hear a lot of things in my mind that I should say. First off, LOVE is strong enough to bear all this, his and yours, so do not fear. He's there for you. If you normally tell him what is happening when you get triggered, please tell him what happened and tell him from now on if it happens when you are with him. He should know, so he does not think you are mad at him or something. I find that a lot of the time when I turn inward and silent, folks think I am mad at them! With friends it is not that important to tell them you are triggered, but with a hubby it is. I hope you have a therapist. Maybe he should see your therapist a couple of times to get his questions answered and also to learn what he should do when you are triggered. This would be good for both of you.

Another thing you might want to do is let him read Anthony's articles here about PTSD so he can get a better idea of what you are going through. Anthony gives a pretty good picture of what we go through. That's because he's been there too, just like us.

Work on practicing your grounding techniques often (at least once a day, early in the day), so that when you do get triggered, you are confident and ready and able to do what you need to, to handle it. This should help you next time you get triggered. Often, we may not know what is triggering us, so you should always be prepared to jump right in with your techniques.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks Sheila. We both have tools that we know how to use to cope. I used to always tell him when I am triggered. I think what happened was, in that moment, something that my stepfather had said awhile ago came up. My stepfather really doesn't recognize PTSD for what it is and said once, "Think about how your husband must feel to know that you are being triggered by an ex. He will leave you some day if you keep doing this."

Obviously, I should not have taken such a comment to heart but his voice was loud when I was being triggered on Saturday so I kept it a secret. My husband did think I was mad at him, you're absolutely right. And you're correct, love does conquer all. It bears all and endures all. I believe that too.

My husband also said yesterday, "I wish you would've told me that you were triggered because I feel like I have tools now that I can use to help but I didn't get to use them because you didn't let me know."

Depression for me has always been the result of anxiety rising. It's a distinct rise and crash. When I was with my ex, it was constant chaos. Now that my life is normal and calm, it's so hard to relax. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop in my mind. Perhaps I should start paying more attention to the anxious thoughts and rather than distract distract distract, I need to practice the grounding techniques more like you suggested. Maybe I'm relying too much on distraction.

 

[arfie]

Hope the venting helped, Even. In my own process, the venting goes quite a long way in helping me sort the heart of the issue from the emotional smoke.

"I don't have the right to feel this way anymore."

It helps me to sort the feelings from the facts. Facts can be right and wrong. Feelings? I believe that feelings are as fixed and solid as the wind. They change and shift constantly. Trying to hold them in a fixed position is like trying to control the ocean tide with a child's sand bucket. If I simply flow with the tide, I can keep my focus on riding it out with intelligence and dignity. Did I say, "Simply?" It is more simple than controlling the tide, but still quite a challenge. Just sharing...

Kudos on your awareness. It sounds like both you and your husband learned allot you benefit from in the future.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

It did sorta. I'm just feeling really depressed. I did take a bath and ate two meals today so that's good. Hopefully I will be able to do the dishes and a load of laundry. I've done nothing all day. The haze is something awful. It could be a hormonal issue too. I have an appointment for that on the 28th. I've not had a menstrual cycle since last year September for some reason. It has to be a contributing factor. Maybe TMI, but it's my reality.

 

[arfie]

Days of feeling drained and/or depressed have always followed such experiences throughout my own recovery. I was advised early on to treat it like the flu. Lots of rest, fluids and soft foods.

Go easy on yourself, Even. Emotional duress is hard on the physical system.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm so sorry you're having a relapse. When we feel good we think "OH, I'm CURED!" but more often than not, be it days, weeks, or even years later, the PTSD rears its ugly little head again and we are engulfed in symptoms. Maybe it would help to have more of a remission/relapse view of healing so that when these bad times hit, you aren't quite so blindsided and you don't feel like such a failure? Just a thought.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks @arfie

lol @Solara , I know. You're so right, but I don't think I ever said I was cured. The joy I felt was sooooo great! :D

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Haze is a very good way to describe the feelings. I have pajama days and I take naps and take the best care of me that I can.