General Needing Advice And Support

[DMAC4026]

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for 14 years. She was always in therapy and been treated for depression since I have known her. We separated and subsequently divorced in 2010 as our relationship deteriorated. We remained close friends after that. She was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder late in 2010 and severe anxiety disorder. In 2011 she went into a "trauma cycle" that was very debilitating. She would go into rages about every three days. Some of these rages would last 36 to 40 hours straight with me being the recipient of all the vile, demeaning things she could lay her tongue to. This was finally attributed to a mixture of medications that were changed. The situation improved. We remarried in 2013 and shortly thereafter, she began intensive therapy for the root cause of her CPTSD - Military Sexual Trauma. Since then, she seems to be losing ground at a rapid pace. The reliving of those traumas, which she still does not want to accept happened to her, has nearly made her non-functioning. I don't know what to do for her. I seem to always say the wrong things, even though they are things I have learned along the way. Sometimes they are effective, sometimes nothing is. She tells me that I must stop "laying in the coffin" with her and tend to the things she cannot. I have had a hard time grasping this concept. It is hard to watch her suffer and not want to be there for her. She has no trust in me or my abilities to tend to everything (bills, household tasks, financial security). I need advice on how to get out of her way and be what she needs me to be for her. I also need to figure out how to care for her and myself at the same time. I feel as though I am losing ground as well and one of us - namely me - must keep a level head.

Any advice, direction, similar experience sharing would be a life saver.

 

[izmo]

Hello there,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. May I ask what did she mean by ''laying in the coffin'' with her? And to know more about the situation, I would like to know if it's okay, how do you both generally communicate? As in how do you normally communicate (talk) in conversations about problems etc? Reliving of traumas can be difficult, there are people who have those 'flashbacks' regularly.

 

[DMAC4026]

Hi,

Thanks for reading and responding. laying in her coffin refers to her near non-functioning condition. She usually just sits in a recliner and plays on the computer. I normally sit there with her. I cook and run errands but stay close. Sometimes at her request, sometimes because I think thats what she needs. We normally communicate decently. I am not as versed at expressing my needs as probably is needed. I also am guilty of trying to shield her from any type of bad news (lying) and this creates problems. I am at my wits end.

 

[izmo]

Hello,

Is she open to you when it comes talking about most of her other problems (that she may have)? Perhaps she feels internalized guilt and that may be behind some of her backlashes (judging by the laying in her coffin comment). Maybe she privately feels she burdened you and that made her feel worse. At times (though I may be projecting here), a person who has gone through that much trauma or even flashbacks on a daily basis, just need to feel that someone can validate their emotions, and that's how communication comes in.

 

[Reds]

I think my partner would relate well you, he has gone through the same thing with me at times he got really frustrated. I am in therapy for sexual abuse and when i get flashbacks and all that I take it out on him. We separated for 5years and got back together in 2010.

What I have noticed is that he changed the way he interacts with me. Which made our relationship more peaceful. He stopped trying to help or advice me because everything he said was just making things worse. Instead he has become a good listener. He hears me out and levels to my current emotions. It has made it easier for me to talk to him. I know as a man you feel the need to help, to rescue her but maybe you should just listen than trying to fix or help. Going to therapy with her might also help. My boyfriend and I had one session together and from that session he learnt all that he needed in order to relate to me.

I hope this helps, i know it is not easy

 

[DMAC4026]

@izmo - I don't think I really know how to validate!! Sounds silly that a grown man would not know how to do that. Could you suggest some examples or reading materials? Also, she just said this morning that she feels that I think she is a burden to her just because I said that this was a hard condition to deal with. I reminded her that she is not her condition but that she just has her condition.

@Reds - It is admirable that you are in a place to offer help. I appreciate it greatly. Sounds like your partner and I have had a lot in common. I am just so confused on how to relate to her experiences and how to offer her words that are supportive and not advice sounding. I guess I feel pretty dumb here... thus her frustration. She has enough to deal with on a daily basis without my crap piling on as well...

 

[izmo]

''Sounds silly that a grown man would not know how to do that.'' Why would you say that? I don't think emotional expressiveness, even in form of understanding and validating feelings when necessary, should be gendered or even considered 'childish.' But I am aware it's not everyone's way

. I think Reds' advice about listening first instead of trying to 'fix' it is more useful, however.

''Also, she just said this morning that she feels that I think she is a burden to her just because I said that this was a hard condition to deal with. '' Did you try and tell her that she is not actually, in fact a burden to you and that you are doing your best for her?