Relationship Needing opinions from sufferers/supporters

[Willowtree]

@Willowtree You write that you see so many posts where supporters are so patient....

Hes not in therapy. So no therapy= no hope for a future.
i did tell him that, but it seems he has made up his mind. It just makes me feel guilty reading all of these posts and seeing how partners have really stuck by their sufferers and work through it. I feel I am up against a wall that doesn't want to come down.

 

[Willowtree]

I may be interpreting it wrong, but it sounds from your post that you've identified that sexual...

He is OK with sexual intimacy now. The emotional intimacy seems to be the problem. Before it was a sexual problem. But now that he isn't fully committed to me anymore (not officially together, no resbonsibilites to me, not living together anymore) maybe its easier for him, or easier for him then opening up emotionally? I feel he gets to be vunerable physically.

And then we don't talk about feelings anymore. And when i try, he closes down.

 

[Willowtree]

Sounds like he could definitely benefit from therapy. But, if I understood your post correctly, he doesn...

Thanks Dulcia,

I definitely have a hard time with on/off. I don't think i can do it anymore. Thats what i mean when i say i am exhausted. i felt if i was open and vulnerable and doing my work, that would set the tone for the relationship, and maybe he would be able to meet me and see that rings could be different. it seems he is not willing to budge. i guess i am native to think that love should be enough to want to get help.

I'm sad that loosing me doesn't seem to be cause for concern, or even to help himself be able to have a better future. maybe its a selfish way to think. but I'm angry he won't go get help, even when its presented to him.

 

[Deleted member 44030]

I am also feeling alot of resentment towards my partner not wanting to seek help. He acknowledges his cptsd to some extent but is in denial of the effect it has on me and our relationship. He thinks he is a pretty easy guy to live with! Yes, if I was a cat. It would be.

 

[Willowtree]

I am also feeling alot of resentment towards my partner not wanting to seek help. He acknowledges his...

Jellyfish,
It is good that he at least acknowledges it. He refuses to get help?

Its not that i want to change my sufferer. I am totally OK that he needs his own space and time. I actually love that he's really independent. But we don't connect anymore. Its there....I can see its there. but i can't touch it. He struggles and I can see he wants to be emotionally intimate. Its like he gets flustered when he tries. He had to get into the shower a few weeks ago, because i asked him a question and he just couldn't answer it.

I have tried to be so gentle and patient. I feel I am going in circles. And If he refuses therapy.....then it can't grow or go anywhere.

So since he has acknlowedged it, is he willing to help nurture the relationship or at least look into it?

 

[Deleted member 44030]

Jellyfish,
It is good that he at least acknowledges it. He refuses to get help?

Its not that i wan...

Willowtree, he sees the unhealthy coping mechanisms he has developed through the years as a safe wall to hide behind. He has no intention of letting anyone or any therapist break down that wall.

It becomes difficult for him when he sees that the wall effects me too, so he instead blames me for beeing too needy, insecure, whatever. That is easier for him. I am in his eyes the difficult one, because I expect/need things, like emotional intimacy.

 

[A concerned spouse]

Please don't think that a lot of supporters are more patient and less needy than you. Most of us have been doing this so long that we've learned from our mistakes, had many therapy appts. and people in our lives that have helped us a lo g the way. I believe we have all been where you are at some given point and will be there again from time to time.

I know how you feel. I know the heart ache, confusion, insecurity and paranoia. I can't tell you how many times I've been there. Frustrated yet determined. I was going to love him through this regardless. I always thought . . . All he needs to do is just communicate with me. I didn't realize that it really wasn't a choice because he just couldn't. Not then and not at that moment. I also thought he could just get over it but I was wrong, he can't.

Educating myself on PTSD and seeking therapy myself, taught me patience, understanding and the ability to get through the PTSD storm. I learned to take care of myself and allow him time to have his for space that he needed to heal. I learned that i would probably never know all his trauma secrets but I didn't need to know. I learned that PTSD can rip my husband away from me in a flash and I will not always be prepared for it. I've learned to set boundaries but also learned to not cross his boundaries that he has set. I refuse to allow PTSD takes away my security or s egg of worth and longer. I will not argue, communicate or compromise with PTSD because it never plays fair and lies to me and him. I wait til the man I know and love fights his way back from the darkness of PTSD before I communicate.

 

[Willowtree]

Please don't think that a lot of supporters are more patient and less needy than you. Most...

Hi concerned spouse,

Thanks for the reply. It makes me feel less crazy and more understood when I get feedback Like this .
It's interesting to see you refer to the PTSD as separate from your husband. Just wondering why you do that?

I personally didn't understand the behaviours or why he wouldn't talk to me. I internalized that for so long. I wish I had known sooner what was going on. I fear my reactions the first year or so of our relationship damaged it further.

Is your husband in healing? Is he able to speak about it at all? Does he see a therapist? Thanks for answering again. I appreciate it, it makes me feel I'm heard and seen.

 

[anonymous]

it seems he has made up his mind. It just makes me feel guilty reading all of these posts and seeing how partners have really stuck by their sufferers and work through it.

Leaving the relationship because you can't live with it, is not something to feel guilty over.

The other supporters who have been able to make their relationships work, did so by finding a compromise with their sufferer's that keeps the relationship mutually benefitial. Not because they are tougher or able to withstand the misery for longer than you did. It's not weakness or selfishness if the differences can't be reconciled. Just different people with different needs, which may turn out incompatible.

If the problems in your relationship with this guy are too much for you to live with, that's ok. It's sad that it happens, but forcing yourself to remain in a relationship you can't be happy in, is bad for both of you.

If you end up leaving, try not to beat yourself up about it. Relationships end. That's the way life works, with or without ptsd.

I'm a sufferer by the way.

 

[Willowtree]

Leaving the relationship because you can't live with it, is not something to feel guilty over.

The o...

Thank you anonymous. I appreciate the reply.

For me, I feel I need communication. I have struggled in this, because I don't know what he needs or wants. I'm kind of left to my own devices to figure it out. He has never even talked about what is going on for him. I don't know if he's aware of it. I feel if we could talk about it, or have some sort of code word for when he needs time away, I would be able to deal with it better. But for a long time I blamed myself, and he let me.

Do u go see a therapist? I hope the question isn't too much of an intrusuon. I just don't think he connects his actions with his trauma.

I want to be here for him. But I feel such a confusion from him. It took me a long time even to get to this point. Thanks again anonymous.

 

[A concerned spouse]

My husband is in therapy and has been for 3 years now and has gotten better BUT things can go so beautifully that I almost forget he has PTSD and suddenly something triggers him and it's like getting sucker punched in the face without warning and I'm left CONFUSED, heart broken, fearful . . . Etc. All those emotions, feelings and everything in between goes rushing through my heart and head that I can't make sense of it all. I want so desperately for him to communicate with me that I pushed (kindly, heartfelt, and used my words wisely) and when you push They can't deal with it. They are having an internal fight within themselves that they don't have the energy to deal with us.

The reason I desperate my husband from PTSD is because he did not ask for PTSD (nobody does). It's an intruder that showed up in his life because of his trauma. He doesn't want this . . . I don't want this. Neither of us chose this. PTSD claims it's victims as it sees fit. I have known my husband since so was 16. We've been married for 35 years and I truly know this man. He's a good man, a loving man but when he gets triggered he's not recognizable because he withdraws, isolates, gets angry, unemotional. It used to hurt me but I don't take it personal or to heart anymore because I know he's fighting for his life at that moment. He doesn't have the energy to comfort and reassure me and when I push he feels a lot of guilt because he knows he's hurting me.

My husband has gotten better through therapy BUT he got even better when I went to therapy. It has taught me a lot. It's taught me how to cope, when and when not to communicate, not to take it personally, not to try and fix him, and the list goes on.

Loving someone with PTSD is not for the faint of heart. It never goes away. It will always be an intruder in your relationship and believe me it's not a fairy tale. It's a choice but with that choice comes responsibility to educate yourself. Seek help, find a support system and don't allow PTSD to pull you into it's pits. You are a strong women. Stronger than you think you are. Patience is a virtue. Take care of YOU right now. Happiness comes from deep within. Let PTSD run it's course and wait for the man you love to reappear out of the darkness.

 

[A concerned spouse]

Oh and my husband DOES NOT talk about his trauma and I don't ask. I never ever ask him about his therapy appts. . . . NEVER. I want him to feel safe. If he wants to share, I listen but I never ask and he appreciates that