Needing someone

[Deleted member 42957]

Being close too someone is something that I deeply crave but at the same time is something I cannot let myself have and am so scared of.

It's something I have never had. I cannot stand being touched or talking about myself. Or anyone knowing everything about me. Even my partner of 20 years doesn't know about my past. It makes me tremble and feel sick.

I feel that they are invading my space and that they don't want me but want something from me? Like they have an ulterior motive to want to know me. I'm too plain and boring and unsociable for people to want to get to know me so they must want something else?

I have plenty of friends. I don't go out with them but now and again go to each other's houses or once a year a trip to the beach but these friends are parents of my children's friends. They are not people I have met and chosen to become friends with they are more for the benefit of my children.

One friend I walk the dogs with every day but know she is not trust worthy as she has proven this but we do get along well and have lots in common. I know not to tell her anything I wouldn't want the world to know.

I know I don't trust people. But I really want someone I can.

 

[Justmehere]

A few thoughts, but I could be totally off - please feel free to disregard anything that isn't helpful.

Being close too someone is something that I deeply crave but at the same time is something I cannot let myself have and am so scared of.

I can really relate to this. I have an ambivalent attachment style - which means I want to be close to people but it also freaks me out. With work, it's becoming less that way and more of a secure attachment where closes was feels ok.

You are not at all alone in this struggle. :hug:

It's something I have never had. I cannot stand being touched or talking about myself. Or anyone knowing everything about me. Even my partner of 20 years doesn't know about my past.

Some people become very good at keeping secrets, even trying to hide themselves after trauma. It's a survival tool during trauma, and it probably served you well back then. But now, it seems to be less useful for you.

Is your partner a relatively safe person? Maybe that's someone to try being a little bit more open with about the past? Maybe try something lighter and easier and see how it goes... I know, so easy to say, much harder to do.

I feel that they are invading my space

Setting boundaries through other ways, other than by trying not I hide everything about you, might help you reclaim a sense of your own space, that can't be invaded so easily.

I'm too plain and boring and unsociable for people to want to get to know me so they must want something else?

A lot of people like to know others just to know them. Thinking they want something else is trying to mind read - something many people try to do, but isn't accurate or helpful. It's keeping you stuck and isolated.

One friend I walk the dogs with every day but know she is not trust worthy as she has proven this but we do get along well and have lots in common. I know not to tell her anything I wouldn't want the world to know.

That's good you know she isn't good to share anything hoping she will keep it private.

Keep looking for the safer friends and people to connect with. They are out there and it's worth it.

 

[Richard Gillchrist]

Hey.
I felt similar for a lot of my life.
But I had it mixed up with huge amounts of anger and hatred. Like I legitimately worried about if I got close to someone I'd batter them to death, I used to have (and sometimes still do have) these involuntary extremely violent fantasies about hurting people I love.
So I was scared, not only of them but of what I would do to them.
I don't know what you've been through and I don't know if it will pass or not.

I can say some things without knowing anything about what you've been through and you can see if there is anything applicable here.

1) just because you've been through some stuff, doesn't make you a bad person or less of a person and it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you.

2) just because you couldn't stop it or "allowed it" doesn't mean you wanted it and it sure as hell doesn't mean you deserve it. You can't change the past, please don't beat yourself up over it.

3) (I am assuming someone did something to you and it wasn't a case of you accidentally killing your baby brother or turning your back on your daughter for one second only to see her walk in front of a truck - if it was something like this, sorry and sorry I didn't say the right things) If you let your behaviour and your relationship with others be determined by something which happened to you, you are giving whoever did whatever to you power over you even now. You are making them a part of your life.
Deny them, don't let them have power over you one second longer.

- would suggest you tell people about what happened to you - I feel that an anonymous space like this would be a good place to test the water. If you speak about your experiences without shame, gradually, it will change your perspective on them and on yourself.
If you don't want to, that's fine, but I think it might help a little to make you feel that you don't have a dirty secret to hide from people. I often felt and sometimes feel that I was at a fancy wedding and everyone was in beautiful bridesmaid dresses or tuxedos or the bride in her big white dress. and there was me in dirty greasy overalls.

And I want to tell you something, if you do actually decide to share what you've been through; well you might think based on what I'm telling you that it will make things better.
But it won't, it will only make it easier to talk about, you've still got a struggle ahead of you. _The difference is that it's no longer a struggle you've got to hide from people.
Also, be ready for people to not care at all, like you could tell someone with tears streaming down your face and feeling like you're choking on your words and they'll be like "oh, well, that's what you get..." worse, be ready for people to tell you you're lying or that you're making it up to get attention or sympathy, that the person/s would NEVER do something like that, that it wasn't as you remembered it it or even that you enjoyed/deserved it. Be ready for people to pity you, for people to make casual comments such as "Oh, that explains EVERYTHING about you!"
(sorry, my own experience was one of sexual violence and I tend to make assumptions based on this, but I think that what I say could be adapted to other traumatic events?)
But also be ready for love and support from people you didn't expect it from, be ready to connect with people in way you thought you'd never be able to again and be ready for that moment when although you see yourself and nothing more than a festering ball of problems, what you share and that you would share it actually helps someone else who has been through similar and doesn't know how to talk about it or even if they should - it is a feeling I can't describe, I'm crying like a little child now writing this to you.
That's just my suggestion, when and if you feel like sharing it, if you don't it doesn't mean that there is something "wrong with you" do what makes you happy and leads to a good life for you and those you care about.
Peace and blessings
Richard

 

[Deleted member 42957]

Hello Richard and thank you for taking time to reply and sharing what you have experienced. I'm trying hard to keep it together after reading it as it is all true to me too. I have re read it several times, copied it and will keep it.I'm very grateful your words are very comforting.

I can't change the past but feel if I keep myself completely to myself and do things on my own then I'm stopping it happening in the future. But this is also cutting me off.

I know I'm letting others have power over me still at the moment. I'm struggling to change it. I still see them around. They are constant reminders of how dirty and low they make me feel.

I will move from my area when I can but my family need me here.

I tried to talk to my partner before we had children but I didn't get very far, he called ambulance for my panic attack and then he got really depressed and left me. We have never mentioned it again. I don't want him to become ill because of me.

I totally agree with you that I need to talk about it but I don't feel I can yet. I really do want to one day. To tell my family and friends would not have a good out come.

I have had some counselling and can get across the basics without saying it to my T about the later ones but can't get out what actually happened when I was younger. I have tried to write it out but the words are not right. I get angry, frustrated and delete it.I don't want to be angry but I will keep trying.

I want to get passed this feeling and be able to be close. It is hard to see it, hard to imagine it and believe I can have it.

Thank you again very much for your suggestion. It does make a big difference.

Take care

 

[SkipV2017]

I had a track record of always getting into relationships with abusive women. It's an old saying that you marry or date reflections of your parents. Well, I definitely dated women who reflected my abusive father. It didn't go well for me at all. Finally, I stopped dating altogether in 2005. I had already been through a bad marriage in the mid 90's and I wasn't about to go through all of that again. So, at first, I was needing someone. But, then I realized the most neglected person in my life was myself. I've been single and not even dating ever since.

 

[Butterflies2023]

This is a great place to practice getting your story out and supported. You read all things here - however disturbing you think it is - you may find a similar story. I read your comment and share similar feelings due to my past abuses suffered. I like what Richard had to share and he is spot on. I shared my story with my daughter when she was older and got little support and she let me down several times. But with time - she is now a mother - she is slowly identifying with me. Then there is a close friend who listened and gave me the "forget about it - move on" - after several years (4) she too has come around. She Discovered a friend of her daughters that suffered similarly. Then she also saw a documentary. She understands more and listens and supports differently. Then there are my siblings - amazed me at how they did not even doubt me from the start. It was SOooo hard to break my silence. But almost 40 years later it just was racking my brain and taking a toll on me physically. I get lots of support from my siblings. They stood up for me - against this perpetrator in the family and recognized the abuse and neglect from parents. It even helped them process these things in their life. Therapy for all of us. But it doesn't help your partner(SO)if the two of you can't discuss this. I would recommend couple therapy. My marriage was similar to your relationship We never could be there for each other 100%. You seem to desire more. This is great. And maybe this forum is first step. I hope you will find a great T and your SO attends sessions. I feel this will bring you closer together. And you may be surprised to learn your SO may have a history that needs sharing too Other things you may try to increase tactile sensations are team sports for both you and SO. If you both take up racquetball or dancing or do any activity together on regular basis it may lead to muscle soreness and "massage" and feeling a little better physically and emotionally. All of which provides an atmosphere of sharing conversation

And slowly gets you to feeling comfortable with safe healthy touch.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

Thank you @SherlocktoWatson . I do agree with everything you have said. However I'm not so sure my partner and I have a future together. It has been difficult since we had children. It is just not working for a few reasons. I keep hanging on and try to discuss it but he just walks off. I may as well be his 'friend with benefits' and a single mother as that's how it feels. I don't think it is something I want to save anymore. I'm just bearing with it until I'm strong enough to do something about it.
I'm sorry I have turned this into a rant about my partner.

 

[Richard Gillchrist]

Mango
Believe me, I understand.
I wish I could do some miracle and make things easier for you, but if I knew that trick, I'd have used it on myself.
I made the suggestion based on my own experience, it won't work for everyone and yes, it's kind of hard to face some things in your life without getting unpleasantly emotional.
I hope you can talk about it at some point because not only the people/person hurt you, you're letting them hurt people who care about you to by letting them still be relevant to your life.
If you can't talk about it it's fine, there are things I can't talk about either.

But please talk to yourself about them - not even out loud, nor in an obsessive way. Tell yourself you are more than just someone who something horrible happens to, tell yourself that there is more to who you are than pain.
As I said, I really wish there was more I could do or something I could say which would make you feel even slightly better.
Thank you for sharing that there are things about you which you are not ready to share, thank you for reading what others say and not just dismissing them outright.
I hope that you find moments of happiness in even the darkest situations.