Needing something (but no idea what)

[whiteraven]

My life is very complicated. I have chronic pain--fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, and now some occasional issues from a previously fractured shoulder. Anxiety, depression, DID, general dissociation, cPTSD, diabetes, costochondritis, gluten and lactose intolerance, sleep apnea, and everything that goes along with all of that.

I work remotely, 8-5. I write, take photos outside (sometimes), be/play with my cats, volunteer for a couple of organizations. And I always feel unmotivated, depressed, without energy. I see a T, but it's mostly for support--not sure what would happen if I didn't see him.

I've been on every antidepressant, atypical antipsychotic, combo thereof, that my insurance will pay for. I've suffered long-term side effects from them, and none of them helped except two--one at extremely high doses (so I was dizzy all the time), and the other that caused severe hair loss.

I'm really done with drugs. Although I've seen significant changes in how I see things, I still feel like crap 99% of the time. Now, with the pain, things are much worse (oh, and I should add that the anxiety and distrust I have for health providers really limits what I can do in terms of PT, etc.).

I need something. I've tried so many things, but nothing seems to hold. And now, at near-65, I'm starting to feel like I'm just going to die without ever feeling better.

I get so mad sometimes at my T because it feels like he is taking for granted that things will get better eventually. That I'm strong enough to make it through. But honestly, what difference does it make if you keep trying--for decades--and it never does?

 

[Rose White]

I recently have been reading a lot about the benefits of low-dose testosterone for post-menopausal women and frankly I would take a side-effect of a mustache to feel some of those benefits! The primary benefits are more energy and less depression, from what I can tell. Also plays a part in maintaining bone mineral density. But good luck finding a provider who will prescribe it! Usually it’s a cream or a patch, not the injections because it’s low dose.

 

[Muttly]

No suggestions. I just wanted to stop by and say I've always appreciated you. (I read more than I post). I read more than I post.

Hmm... actually, one question. Have you tried ketamine?

 

[pamcoco]

I need something. I've tried so many things, but nothing seems to hold. And now, at near-65, I'm starting to feel like I'm just going to die without ever feeling better.

I get so mad sometimes at my T because it feels like he is taking for granted that things will get better eventually. That I'm strong enough to make it through. But honestly, what difference does it make if you keep trying--for decades--and it never does?

I am so sorry. I totally get it. Why wouldn’t you feel ambivalent with all you continue to go through? I have no words of wisdom but hold you close in my heart.

I’m in a similar situation, just turned 60, with Lyme/several related confections, Celiac, narcolepsy, vertigo, neuropathy, heart issues, hair loss, severe skin rashes… I'm slightly better from years of antibiotics but still extremely ill.

I've tried many drugs and have settled on the side effects of pharmaceutically induced mania, nausea, dizziness, erratic sleep and bouts of hysteria with my current drug regime of Lexapro, Vilazodone and Adderall. Probably won't survive if I go off.

I wish I could find change, I am stuck in a spiral in warp speed since 2009. I've lost most everything that was important to me, self definition, trust in others, the belief that good people get positive results and most importantly, like you said, that this too shall pass.

I'm alone, friends bailed, family used vulnerability of mental/physical illness to tear me down. Illness prevents a steady income and I have to move out of my place.


But, I have had 3 evenings in the last 2 months which I actually enjoyed after digging deep to remember me before the assaults.

I went to a concert, inviting a friend I haven’t spent time with in 30 years. We had fun. I danced my heart out.

I went roller skating with my 22yr old neighbor, pads everywhere, pushing myself to gain more vestibular control. It was challenging, scary and exciting.

With the same neighbor, I accepted her invitation to play a board game.

It’s not enough. Emptiness consumes me. On my hand and knees I pray daily for guidance and mercy that hasn’t shown up yet. So I bow down again.

Lastly, one of the surprising things I’ve found is it seems human nature to survive. There's an instinctual aspect to keeping on. Despite daily SI for 15 years, I only attempted once. Something compels me to keep going. There's a curiosity to find out if anything will ever change. I keep a desire to find some justice and when I am present I notice that it’s just another moment in a life.

Thanks for posting. I am here with you. You deserve relief and good!

 

[whiteraven]

Have you tried ketamine?

Hm...no, I haven't. You?

 

[In the weeds]

I totally relate to this @whiteraven. I'm 67 with fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, ehlers-danlos... I could go on.

A lot of my family and friends have died off, we moved six years ago to another state and haven't made any real connections to people since being here.

I'm overwhelmed by the responsibilities I have seven days a week at home and I don't even have a job anymore.

I've had bad reactions to antidepressants and will not try another one.

We don't have a car so getting out to volunteer someplace isn't feasible. I also never know till I wake up if I'm going to have a good day or a bad day.

I need something too, but just don't know what would help. I feel like I'll just be living in this chaos till the day I die.

I wish I was more helpful. I just wanted you to know there are others in similar situations.