Negative core belief: my suffering is inferior. i am inferior.

[RuthieJujube]

I am the youngest of 6 children, all of whom were severely abused. At least in my mind, the oldest were beaten the most, exposed the most to drugs, sexually violated the most ... But I am the one with PTSD. I am the one who couldn't handle it.

Many times while they were being beaten, I had to sit and watch. I couldn't help them, not even when I thought they might die. But the fact is: I wasn't them. I was just the witness.

Really, everyone in the family suffered so greatly growing up that by the time I came around, it was normal. The girls were raped. The boys were beaten. This was the rite of passage. And then we went to school or church, and it was as if nothing happened. It wasn't a topic. Why would anyone check in on me when I did well in school and didn't cause trouble?

All in the same year, Dad went to prison, our oldest brother died and Mom's boyfriend began terrorizing us. I feel selfish to say this but ... why was I never part of the conversation? It was Dad who was suffering, it was Mom who lost her son, it was Mom who had the mean boyfriend, it was brother who was beaten bloody. My bruises and my tears were inconvenient. They were emotional acting out.

But what about me?? No one ever asked if I was ok. No one ever thought the night terrors were abnormal. No one ever talked about the dark times again.

So I find myself thinking, why CAN'T you just get over it? What is so wrong with me that I can't cope with things that happened 20 years ago? My suffering is nothing. So I feel like nothing: a weak little girl shouting, "Please notice ME! It's really scary in here!"

Can anyone relate?

 

[PreciousChild]

Hi Ruthiejujube,

I'm a pretty new member and have less experience. But I wanted to write because it sounds like you don't feel like you are entitled to getting the attention and care that you needed and deserved, and from what I understand, being a witness is highly traumatic. I was actually the target, while my siblings got to watch, so I guess I'm on the other side of things. But I do agree that the witnesses are affected too, and for my siblings, the effects are subtle enough that they may never deal with it or get any better. Whereas the effects on me were so dramatic, I have no choice but to deal with it and am growing because of that.

I can also relate to being ignored. My parents' situations were tough and they got a lot of sympathy. I went through my childhood with church members and neighbors worried a lot about how they were and not at all about us, though we were clearly affected. It probably added to my inability to trust others. My parents were the main "perps", but other adults who expressed concern for us would have made such a big difference.

 

[Justmehere]

Your pain and suffering and your experience of trauma is not lesser than that of your brothers and sisters. It's an easy comparison to try to make, but it's not helpful or accurate.

Being a witness to trauma is very tough on a child, even adults. It's awful. Combine that with what at least sounds like some serious neglect of how you were traumatized, and it makes sense that you would be struggling now. Your brothers and sisters may be struggling too, in their own ways.

Kids and babies can die from emotional neglect alone. They can be given food, water, clothing and shelter, but if they are not paid attention to emotionally, they can die. This is without any physical or sexual abuse, just neglect. It's called "failure to thrive." That is how powerful neglect is on the brain and body.

 

[RuthieJujube]

Thank you both so much for responding. :) My heart has been so heavy and it made me feel really nice to hear from a couple of understanding souls. I have been struggling with the idea that I can be well too and that I deserve it!