Nervous About Starting Emdr Therapy

[doglover]

KP, wow I'm really grateful that you gave an overview of your experiences. I might take you up on your offer for PM in the future. It sounds like my experience is going to start the same, a few sessions laying ground work and a feeling of safety. She even disclosed that she got some T herself years ago. Made me feel hopeful, to see how far she's probably come from where she was.

I don't have a permanent diagnosis at this point, and I'm thrilled about that for multiple reasons. Nervous about handling the strong emotions. But thinking, she described it kind of like this is all about wordless experiences, following feelings, and that's something I've tried to do for myself but didn't follow through, so maybe this modality will help me learn that I can handle my feelings.

maddog, thank you.You're right, KP's post is a big inspiration and motivator to me as well. I went to my boss today to request this. She questioned how I phrased something in the conversation. I ended up crying, hugely embarrassing. She asked more than once if it was something she said. It wasn't. It was just all the damn pressure I put on myself to be a perfect employee. I said I feel really loyal to the company and I feel guilty asking for the time.

I don't know if the crying made her agree more easily but she did. I hope she doesn't think I did it on purpose! I have a trial arrangement. She wants me to find out how long we expect I'll need the weekly time off, but I don't know if my T is going to like that question. And I'm now rather terrified that it will be an answer boss doesn't like. If I can stay caught up with my work, and if I can make sure this doesn't interfere with my job, then there is a chance she will agree to a period of a few months.

I'm really hoping that since I currently am able to basically start over emotionally every morning, I can bring that skill with me through the process, as it will help me from letting this get in the way of my job.

I don't need to feel as loyal to my workplace as I do. I don't need to try to be a perfect employee. I'm glad my boss is giving me a chance about this. I also hope I can change my appointment time, or at least show that this won't get in the way.

Thanks for the support, you're all such a huge blessing.

 

[maddog]

Woohoo DogLover, I'm not the only one who cried at work today!!!

Sorry, only kidding of course...

It is horribly awkward when the other person assumes they've done something to upset you, and they haven't, but you can't quite explain why something inexplicable in your head that has no words attached to it has made you cry... and then you're awkward for not being able to explain, and the other person is more awkward, and you both end up wishing you were somewhere else... just plodding on is the only way to get through that I reckon.

Very glad that your boss has been prepared to introduce the trial arrangement, and ouch, I wouldn't want to put a time limit on the therapy for now either. Gosh, on a self-absorbed mini tangent, let this be yet another reminder to me of how blessed I am to have my colleagues and workplace - they've made a point of telling me there are no timeframes and I can head off to therapy whenever I need to... yes, I am so truly privilleged, not sure I could handle anything less accommodating right now, though I'd have to of course, if I had to...

Loyalty is a mixed blessing sometimes isn't it, especially at times like this when we need and deserve some selfish "me" time. It doesn't sound as though an early mark once a week for a few months is going to cause you to turn into a below par employee...

Also wanted to say that I personally think that it can be very healthy and productive for your T to have been through therapy him/herself in the past. As long as the person has capitalised on the process and its learnings, I think it can bring a whole new level of empathy and insight, not to mention the openness and humility to admit that to you up front. Mine has made similar disclosures to me, always for constructive reasons, and I respect him even more for it.

Glad things are positive at this early stage.

MD

 

[doglover]

Ha, MD, yes you weren't the only one to cry at work yesterday. Yes, it's incredibly awkward. I thanked her this morning for handling it so graciously. I think I walked into her office self-shaming for even bringing up this request to leave, so as soon as there was the slightest glitch I got really emotional. She was asking for clarification and as I'd already been judging and attacking myself I was overwhelmed with anything that required more conscious thought.

Or maybe I am so good at hiding the true impact of the stuff that brings me to therapy that my inner world collaborated to show proof that yes, this is something I need.

You're quite lucky to have such supportive colleagues. I don't know if I'll ever be in a situation like that. I'm just determined to make the best of the arrangement, and hope all my different sides and states will work with me to contain the therapy fallout in a way that keeps it from interfering with work. Loyalty is a major mixed blessing.

I suppose the key will be to make sure I make space for the emotions to show up outside of work.

 

[maddog]

Ah yes, I do that self-shaming into reality thing too I think... talk about setting myself up to fail! It's the whole concept of "this is going to be bad, I have no right to do/ask for this, I'm so selfish to even go there, the other person is going to be so disappointed in me, I'm going to feel awful and deservedly so and........." and sure enough, it's as though your body just says "well fine then, if that's what you want..." and then you're crying and half thinking "wow, didn't I just bring that on myself!"

Sorry, that's a metaphoric "you" of course, which should just be a "me".

But I do think that sometimes subconscious, or whatever it is, takes over too, and we get so good at controlling ourselves on the outside and minimising those feelings at a conscious cognitive level, that we don't even realise they're there until they've flooded out, apparently from nowhere, and apparently without warning, but probably only because we don't process or accept the warnings that are there.

And yes, let this be my daily public acknowledgement of how lucky I am to work where and with the people I do. They are amazing... my family, and I feel both ashamed and proud to say that. Of course it's really only a select few who rise to this pedestal in my mind, but they're the right few to have, and it's not about quantity... it's all quality.

The enormous support can come with a few hidden costs of course - there's absolutely no doubt that my feelings of shame and failure and inadequacy are inflated a thousand fold by the fact that it is significant and treasured people I know I am letting down, and the triggers and transferrence that I experience on a daily basis with these people are sometimes so enormous that I wonder if it's doable long term, but I wouldn't swap it, not for anything.

So why aren't I at work today then...

MD

 

[doglover]

Wow so I'm not the only one who gets massive guilt about taking Me time, then. I think other people watch for ways they can go out of their way to meet needs of coworkers to "make up for" leaving them with extra work. Seems like a good enough system. I usually have trouble figuring out what those things would be, either that or my efforts to assist people are refused (which hurts a lot). I default to asking directly if I can assist someone instead of thinking something up. Which is just easier, a better fit for my personality. But it seems like some people appreciate it more if you spend a lot of cognitive resources coming up with something they will like but didn't ask for. I just have too much to focus on inside to do that.

Saluting you, though, as a kindred spirit in a world of strangeness.

Total aside - I was wondering a few minutes ago whether EMDR will help me be less self-absorbed. I'd like that.

I've made a few awesome strides with work the last couple days. Keep trying to secure them in my memory so they will balance out the depth of pain and despair that occurs when things don't go so well. I have a feeling the EMDR helps with splitting, and I think I do something like splitting where I have trouble bringing the memory of successes to mind in the middle of failure mode.

Oh and yes I think you are right about the cues. Maybe overall I am getting better at recognizing them, certainly feel like I'm getting better at naming stress states for myself and taking steps to reduce the stress. But sometimes a perfect storm of triggering circumstances - like a female authority figure combined with asking to meet my own needs - will not feel very good, and I won't know what hit me until I'm in crisis mode.

So are you taking the day off to decompress, MD? Hope you're well, and hope you feel the hugs I'm sending
(((((((((maddog)))))))

 

[maddog]

Decompressing... yeah, that makes it sound almost legitimate that I woke up this morning - or rather, had barely slept, so was more or less awake anyway, and found myself so exhausted yet hyperaroused by both named and nameless triggers and my familiar, sickening, irrational, overwhelming sense of dread and despair, that I just didn't go... couldn't go... or is that just justifying it to myself?

Tough day... damit.
Felt those hugs though, and sending them right back to you.

Funny, for me it's male authority figures that do it, which of course just perfectly illustrates the nature of our prior/current family experiences.

I don't do the mind games thing at work either, the old "you figure out what I want/need and I'll let you know if/when you've got it right/wrong and punish/reward you accordingly". Sheesh, no energy or inclination for that thank you very much, and that's one aspect of my oddness and difference from everyone else that I'm happy to hold onto.

Splitting... hadn't thought much about this, but I do it enormously in the context you described, only able to call to mind memories and thoughts and perceptions that fit with my overwhelming mood state. I swearI can almost convince myself that prior achievements and successes almost didn't happen if I'm distressed and negative enough about myself. It's scary really, because in its extreme I think it borders on delusional thinking, which is somewhere I'd like to think I've never gone.

It's about to storm I think... hope my computer doesn't blow up.

Maddog

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I hope you will try EMDR. I had great success with it, and we still use it if I choose. I wanted something different from 'regular' CBT and most definitely got it, and am very happy that I did.

 

[doglover]

I'm glad EMDR gives you what you were hoping for, Angelkeeper!