Sexual Assault Nervous about the new year

[lookingfor help]

I can’t help but have this daunting feeling when I think about the New Year. I’ve been feeling this anxious for a while, and now just a day away it feels even more inevitable. It’s been kind of hard to rationalise but I think I know where it comes from. I think it’s just being afraid of letting go of the past year. 2017 has been a very difficult time; becoming a victim of SA, my r*pe cast a shadow over most of the year. It had an effect on my relationships with friends and family, how I saw myself, impacted my school work. Sometimes it didn’t feel like I could make it to the end of the year. I know some people will look at 2018 as a fresh start, but I think that’s what makes me afraid. Just feeling like what’s happened should be left in the past now, like the last 7 months of my life haven’t changed me. I don’t know sometimes who I am without the r*pe, or if I’ll ever be able to be myself without it. The end of 2017 feels like closing a chapter I’m not yet ready to let go of. I just feel so forgotten, like time should’ve healed me but it hasn’t and now I have none left. I just don’t feel ready. I still feel stuck in the first month with all those initial feelings; it’s always felt like time was passing me by and I had no control but now it feels that way even more. It’s suffocating. It’s that much closer to one year since it happened, and I don’t feel that much closer to being free of it.

 

[LuckiLee]

You're being too hard on yourself! It hasn't been very long at all. (although it probably feels like forever) All the feelings you're feeling are ok. So very sorry for what happened to you! Be gentle with yourself!

 

[EveHarrington]

Time can help, but in general I don’t think that time heals major traumas.

Are you in therapy? Or do you have the ability to seek out therapy?

I think it’s important to remember that it’s man who has put a significant meaning on time divisions. One year really only means we’ve traveled around the sun once. The fact that the new year starts tomorrow was an arbitrary decision by people many years ago. And there are different calendars, so it isn’t even a new year for everyone tomorrow. I say all of this just to point out that the concept of time and a new year is a bit arbitrary. We all have hopes for a better new year, but that doesn’t mean we just forget everything from the past year.

Just remember that healing is like a river. You can do everything in your power to get better, but at the end of the day healing will flow at its own pace. You cannot push a river.

Adding, it’s good to work on healing, rather my point is that we must accept the pace at which we heal. These things cannot be forced.

Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Like my therapist has told me, you didn’t choose to get ptsd. It is a neurological condition caused by trauma. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. (Mine happened 25 years ago and I am just now dealing with it.). However, you do have the ability to heal or at least cope . There is hope for you and all of us. It may just take awhile to figure out what type of therapy you need to fix things and patience. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It’s suffocating. It’s that much closer to one year since it happened, and I don’t feel that much closer to being free of it.

Your life has been forever changed but this traumatic event and all of you is now in a transitional stage of changing everything about you. Your own illusions that you had been unaware of are now gone and you have the challenge to start what best helps you. I do not think that time does much in the scheme of things really.

Everything about you has changed and this is something you have to work through at a pace that is comfortable for you.

It takes a long time for healing and recovery with the right help, I wonder have you ever had EMDR because that was a life changing experience for me in so many ways and I am no longer haunted or tortured by the memories of my traumas that I worked on so far.

I have known some real peace inside of my mind and being since doing that for myself.

You, when you feel ready will begin to take the steps you need and want to.

I wish you the best. Do not be hard on yourself for how long it is taking for you because it is a very common thing to become so impatient with yourself that you have not got this yet. I hope you will be able to comfort yourself, cut you some slack and be gentle with yourself and doing self care things you need and want which I still find somewhat challenging. I hope this makes sense and if it is not useful please just ignore.

 

[lookingfor help]

Just remember that healing is like a river. You can do everything in your power to get better, but at the end of the day healing will flow at its own pace. You cannot push a river.

I thought this was beautiful, actually everything you said was. So thank you. I am in therapy. I haven’t seen anyone over the holiday period. It’s hard because the help I get is away from home. When I go back to uni I’ll be able to receive it again. Time apart from my counsellor always feels hard. Even with weekly meetings the time in between leaves me feeling really lost and exposed.

I wonder have you ever had EMDR because that was a life changing experience for me in so many ways and I am no longer haunted or tortured by the memories of my traumas that I worked on so far.

I’ve only ever heard of it from these forums. I don’t really know much about it. I mean going into as much detail you feel comofortable with would you mind giving me an idea of what you do or maybe how it’s helped? If you don’t feel comofortable I can always research it myself.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

First I made a timeline of my worst traumas and then I got to know the therapist a little bit and then we started working on one bad memory at a time.

I did rapid eye movements following the wand that the therapist went back and forth with while I recounted the bad memory and she asked me some questions during the process. I felt so much shame retelling such personal things that I have really not told people about.

It did stir up a lot of old emotions and I had to recover from each session. But as we continued I was beginning to reframe each memory and losing the false feelings I always carried before. The very worst feelings began to fall off a bit at time.

Before I did this with her.I had intrusive memories every single day previously and then afterwards I had the reframed emotions and thoughts in place and I was no longer haunted every day and this was so wonderful to be free of them, and if I do remember the bad emotions have so been defused that I now longer carry the bad feeling and the shaming thoughts anymore.

I was able to integrate an adult view point when I remember that in essence was knowing the real truth about what had happened and I no longer hate or blame myself

I think that researching it and looking long and hard for the right therapis is key. Also I had been so terrified of felling the original feels so badly and was so afraid to take the risk and try this. I have read that this is not good for people with mulitple traumas which I have. But it literally saved my life and I have been free of so much ever since I worked through all of it. It did involve more sessions and having to go more ofter than normal therapy.

I was lucky to have been ready to do this. Not everyone has a good experience with it but it has proved to be very effective for most people. Good luck to you.

 

[Friday]

I tend to think of New Years, Passover, etc. as times to put everything behind me... that I CAN.

Fresh starts for trifling bullshit? Check.

Harder things? Deeper things? More important things? Are going to take more than a date on a calendar, some booze, & singing to set to rights.

That’s as it should be, IMO. Clearing away the deadwood doesn’t clear a forest. It just makes the everything else easier to see. Ditching all the minor stuff? Let’s me do 3 things : see what’s left, see what I view as major/minor, & gets rid of distractions.

 

[lookingfor help]

First I made a timeline of my worst traumas and then I got to know the therapist a little bit and then we...

It’s amazing to hear how well you’re doing and how much this has worked for you; I’ll definitely be looking into it more.
I’ve very recently opened up to my therapist about suffering from depression, anxiety and bdd, all before what happened, as well as giving her an insight into my childhood. I think it’s all managed to contribute to, and magnify the SA. I remember how expose I felt as we read my diary and some of the first few pages laid out my entire past. I’ve learnt to bury a lot of my feelings; we know in therapy that I find it hard to connect with how I feel, and break away from just feeling numb. On one hand, outside of therapy, I know all I want to do is have someone listen and care. I talk about it to myself and think about it and write about it enough times to know all I want is an outlet. I think just the idea of being honest about years of “not feeling right” just seems very scary; like the r*pe is opening up a dialogue I’ve waited years to share and am still so afraid to because it’s so much of who I am. Fear of things like judgement or not understanding, I guess.
I hope I find therapy which works for me.