Nervous But Hopeful

[LIllabeth]

Now that I have a place to say what I want / need to say, I cannot find the words...... I have over 22 years of service, everything from disaster and crisis areas to diplomatic missions. For the last six months I have been housebound, diagnosed with PTSD, panic/anxiety disorder and severe depression from an incident that took place overseas over 14 years ago. I am receiving help, I go to my appointments, talk to the doctors but I am intolerant to the medications.
Everyday I struggle with trying to be "person", someone who functions, goes on living, and achieves something other than breathing. I am hoping that "here" is someplace that I can find out that I am not alone, that others have the same symptoms and hopefully start to feel like I belong somewhere again that is not inside these four walls

 

[Jimmy1]

Lllabeth, welcome to our forum.

22 years, where does the time go, I did 20 something and would still be in if it wasn't for PTSD.

Who did you serve with? And where did you serve? These are questions the guys and gals will ask. We are friendly, but skeptical at the same time until we get to know you.

It's a good feeling to belong, but you could stand in a room with one hundred people with PTSD and still be alone, because our demons and nightmares are individual.

 

[LIllabeth]

Jimmy,

I am still a proud member of the RCAF (although I have been told my time in uniform will come to an end in the next year or so). I have served in a lot of places ( Croatia, Turkey, etc) on airfields, with NATO, and diplomatic / representative missions. I am not a combat veteran. My service took me to disaster and conflict areas, and although I have had a variety of weapons pointed at me in various countries, I was always unarmed.

My condition? Illness? is still my secret from just about everyone (close friends and my immediate family are aware). That is why I am here. Not quite ready for everyone to know, still struggling with the stigma, shame, guilt, and confusion on how I went from being an independent, capable and active person to who I am now - being afraid to leave the house unaccompanied, afraid of life, no one to ask questions to and share understanding with.

My immediate family is aware and supportive, the doctors I see very helpful, but I think that conversing with others who have PTSD might bring a different understanding / perspective. Everyone's experience with PTSD will be different, but perhaps by speaking with others I will find understanding and acceptance before I have to start letting others know

 

[JarHed]

Hey Lillabeth

Welcome to the forums. It may not be a help to know that all the things that you currently are experiencing are normal, if I can use that word, for PTSD. There's absolutely nothing to feel shame for or guilt. Yes, there is still a stigma and may always be.

I would suggest this; when you're ready, get involved in therapy for PTSD, it's the one thing that will absolutely help and help you to regain your life. The challenges will always be there but you'll be able to have more better days than not. I'm glad you found us, this is a good and safe place with great people. Let us know how we can help.

JarHed

 

[SteveMD]

Lilabeth:

Welcome. Ditto JarHed's comments. Therapy, but also, find some cocktail that works. If not one, try another. Your brain's structure and chemistry is different now, and you have to work on changing it. It is a trauma, stress and brain injury---not just emotional---as I am learning. Great Book: Buddha's Brain.

 

[Lurch]

Lillabeth, I understand where you are coming from. I have been in combat but I have seen a lot of humanitarian missions also . I went through a long period of "I dont deserve this". In fact I denied the beast for over 7 years. After two years of therapy I am finally able to accept what I have and that I have done things that resulted in this. If asked again I would do them again, as I am still AD.

What I am trying to get at is move forward at your own pace. Dont lwt someone phsh you quicker then you can go in recovery, just keep putting one foot infront of another and you will succeed.

 

[LIllabeth]

JarHed,

I am I therapy, and they are great folks, but .............. They understand the physical mechanics and treatment but they don't have the symptoms if that makes any sense

 

[vikingr12]

Lillabeth,

There are guys here like me and OldDoorGunner and Sleeping Dragon (I can't name all of you) who have carried this Beast around for years and wondered what the hell is wrong? I don't talk to everyone about it but I feel I have a duty to inform people about what it is like to have it. This sad incident where a soldier killed three others and himself says a lot about what society seems to think about PTSD and they are so wrong. We cannot let them get away with that. And you cannot let yourself get way with hiding it. It is liberating actually once someone tells you, a professional, someone who knows, that you have PTSD. It finally has a name. Now you can deal with it. Deal, not kill it. For years, just like this soldier at Ft. Hood, I had anxiety, depression, you name it. But nothing seemed to work until we aimed at battle fatigue. And I don't believe for a moment that this kid went on that rampage because of PTSD. He did it in spite of it.

There is no shame in it. You might have had it before you went into the military and some of the scenes you saw only exacerbated it. I was shot twice when I was a kid and when asked if I had a violent childhood, I continually said no.

Be proud of your service. Be proud of what you got. Hold your head up high when you can, and talk to us when you need to. Listen to your therapist (if he/she is good; otherwise find another one). And take the meds if your given them.

Welcome.

 

[Jimmy1]

Jimmy,

I am still a proud member of the RCAF (although I have been told my time in uniform will come to an end in the next year or so). I have served in a lot of places ( Croatia, Turkey, etc) on airfields, with NATO, and diplomatic / representative missions. I am not a combat veteran. My service took me to disaster and conflict areas, and although I have had a variety of weapons pointed at me in various countries, I was always unarmed.

Thanks Beth for replying and answering my questions.

First of all I hope you don't have any guilt about being unarmed. You have been in combat zones otherwise you would not have had weapons pointed at you and seeing the aftermath of some wars would make the standard person in the street hurl their guts up.
So I hope you have no guilt when it comes to 'Why do I have PTSD'. If you have witnessed death (viewed it) or thought your life was in imminent danger, then you can have PTSD.

As the guys have said, be proud of your service. Your close friends and family know about your PTSD so who else do you need to share it with. Half the guys I served with have no idea, some asked why I was discharged and some people ask why I don't work anymore and I tell them if I need to. Keeping it a secret will just breed guilt, what harm can come from letting it out??

Just my opinion.

 

[Lee C]

Welcome

 

[LIllabeth]

My PTSD comes from an incident in Turkey. A young, Turkish civilian was critically injured in an explosion. I led my troops into that, sending the youngest out to perform crowd control and then spent 45 minutes with my hands buried in his chest. He lived, I was given a commendation for bravery that I detest wearing because I was also told that
1. The area was never made safe and I endangered my troops and
2. if anyone of my team contracted a blood born illness, they would not be covered by the military's health care or veterans medical because giving first aid was not what we were sent to do.
Luckily, there wasn't a second explosion, a year of blood tests saw every one of my troops to be disease free

I relive versions of that incident in my nightmares, sometimes there is a secondary explosion which injures my guys and other times my troops, who trusted me to take care of them, sicken and die.

Admitting I am ill publicly means admitting I let down my troops and pretty much everyone else. This will come to a head in the next couple of months because I may be getting a PTSD service / companion dog (although I have toyed with the idea of passing the puppy off as an ugly step child - insert evil laugh here). Maybe admitting it here is the first step to letting my flag fly

 

[Lee C]

You haven't let any fcuker down mate !