Long story short, I was a normal child until we met my step-father. Things seemed a little strange as we’d stay at stranger’s homes and never hung around long until my single-mother met my womanizing, self-destructive step-father from hell. I never understood it. Any of it. (than as I sit here sucking on a rum bottle, I realize why I walked in on my mother sleeping with all the men that we stayed with, just to have somewhere to stay...we never had enough money for a home. Fun...).
As time ran on, evictions and complaints ran rampant, we moved from Montana to Massachusetts, situating ourselves in an upstairs apartment. My brother was to live in the downstairs part of this duplex, while I lived alone with my parents upstairs.
Things seemed normal, I was in school, doing well. I spent a lot of time with family, loved my outings with my cousin. My aunt and I were super close and I remember vividly, staring in awe at her crystal collection. I was genuinely happy, but course demons try to crawl their way out of hell and oftentimes succeed.
The demon infected a mere ten year old child with sexual assault, sticking it’s grimy fingers into innocence, destroying any power and confidence that child had. Unfortunately, that is me.
He followed my family, causing disruption, repeatedly catching me off guard. The second time my body was desecrated; I called my grandmother heaving and left home to stay with her downstairs. My cries for help were blatantly ignored, as my mother was too interested in her boyfriend to listen when her child shakily begged “He touched me, please help”, and my grandmother too ignorant to care. “She turned him on”. They say, “She is lying, she just doesn’t like him!”
I spent my childhood getting felt up by my satanic step-father. I learned to avoid him at all costs and disappear when he came into the room, which made my ‘parents’ try to “Make us a family” again. Every part of me was taken advantage of by him. But it got so much worse as time went on.
Eventually I was so disturbed that the teachers and my parents put me into school counseling services. I told them what had happened, but I had a hunch. They didn’t believe me. No one did. So I told them my stepfather threatened to kill me. Anything to get him away from me.
After all, I was 12. Legal problems, threats of “homelessness” and “isolation” were thrown my way, as well as my kitten used as a weapon. “You’ll never see her again if you don’t drop this!” I was told. “You will never see us again if you keep lying!”.
I wanted nothing more than a family, so I caved and told the social workers that I lied. The second biggest mistake of my life. Having had a nightmarish time with my family, I was sent to another state to live with my biological father. Things were better, although my developing post-traumatic stress reared its ugly head.
My father and stepmother got sick of dealing with my depressive symptoms, and sent me to my second grandmother’s home, where I was told how useless I was for a year. How everyone hated me and that’s why I lived there. Maine State almost took me, as I was considered by an entire town at this point, as a lying child with no future. A screwed up little human.
I was instead sent back to my mothers. Again, used as a sex-toy for my pedophile step father. This horrific time continued as my step-father was using cocaine, alcohol, and found cheating on my mother with my aunt, and a whole bunch of human trash.
They threw things at each other all the time, used me as a weapon against suicide and mentally scarred me for life. My mother kicked my stepfather out, and for a short time I was free. Than he pulled a gun on himself and she rescued him. He said he’d get better, but the abuse continued.
He was sent to an asylum about three times, got aggressive with my mother, threatened to hurt us. Looked me straight in the face when I was 14, and told me I was a bitch. That was after I told him to get away from my mom when he had a keyboard in his hands ready to beat her with it.
When things calmed a bit, my step-father thought of us as a ‘couple’. He’d constantly grab my ass, try to get me drunk. He always had arguments that my mom was jealous of our relationship. He took me on car rides and masturbated as I was learning to drive. He went to grab me and for once in my life I slapped him away. I fell into a depression, and the night I caught him taking photos of me in the shower, I cut my wrists open.
I was done. Unfortunately, I failed. All this abuse hindered my ability to continue homeschooling. Yes, I was home schooled after I dropped out of school in 4th grade. My mom stopped teaching me. But this was the least of my worries, as I was trying to figure out how to escape.
Forever trapped and isolated in this abuse. The second time I tried to kill myself was with pesticides. I sprayed a ton of wasp killer into a colored plastic cup and attempted to drink it. Instead, I inhaled the fumes. The third and fourth times were with prescribed muscle-relaxers. I overdosed twice on them. I never wanted to wake up. Eventually I got out of the house.
After being toyed with for too long, I got out. I met my husband. I got out. But the demon still lingers. In the last three years I’ve had numerous suicide attempts. I’ve cut my wrists, overdosed on Ativan, drank alcohol with opiate painkillers, got hooked on opiate painkillers, used benzos to drown my emotions away. None of this worked. I’m still here. I’ve gone to psychiatrists who prescribe placebo pills, SSRIs that make me much more anxious.
I don’t go outside anymore. I don’t talk to people. I don’t want a family. I’ve had more than 7 jobs in the last three years. I never graduated 8th grade, yet everyone assumes this was because of being lazy. Well. It wasn’t. It was, feast or famine. Survive or die. Now I sit here in the cold, angry, hateful. I have no easy way to the future. I sit here daily thinking about how much I hate normal people, how lucky my in-laws are for being able to go to school, get college.
The reason I wrote this today was because I’m sick of being judged, when they do not know the true factors that contributed to my suffering, and my status as a 20 year old dropout with no job. I'm tired of hearing about it...
I cut ties with my mother who still denies everything and says I'm doing this to myself and should forgive my stepfather.
Every time I did he'd perceive me as his girlfriend.
I cannot stand normal families.
I get along with no one.
… I’m done writing now..
As time ran on, evictions and complaints ran rampant, we moved from Montana to Massachusetts, situating ourselves in an upstairs apartment. My brother was to live in the downstairs part of this duplex, while I lived alone with my parents upstairs.
Things seemed normal, I was in school, doing well. I spent a lot of time with family, loved my outings with my cousin. My aunt and I were super close and I remember vividly, staring in awe at her crystal collection. I was genuinely happy, but course demons try to crawl their way out of hell and oftentimes succeed.
The demon infected a mere ten year old child with sexual assault, sticking it’s grimy fingers into innocence, destroying any power and confidence that child had. Unfortunately, that is me.
He followed my family, causing disruption, repeatedly catching me off guard. The second time my body was desecrated; I called my grandmother heaving and left home to stay with her downstairs. My cries for help were blatantly ignored, as my mother was too interested in her boyfriend to listen when her child shakily begged “He touched me, please help”, and my grandmother too ignorant to care. “She turned him on”. They say, “She is lying, she just doesn’t like him!”
I spent my childhood getting felt up by my satanic step-father. I learned to avoid him at all costs and disappear when he came into the room, which made my ‘parents’ try to “Make us a family” again. Every part of me was taken advantage of by him. But it got so much worse as time went on.
Eventually I was so disturbed that the teachers and my parents put me into school counseling services. I told them what had happened, but I had a hunch. They didn’t believe me. No one did. So I told them my stepfather threatened to kill me. Anything to get him away from me.
After all, I was 12. Legal problems, threats of “homelessness” and “isolation” were thrown my way, as well as my kitten used as a weapon. “You’ll never see her again if you don’t drop this!” I was told. “You will never see us again if you keep lying!”.
I wanted nothing more than a family, so I caved and told the social workers that I lied. The second biggest mistake of my life. Having had a nightmarish time with my family, I was sent to another state to live with my biological father. Things were better, although my developing post-traumatic stress reared its ugly head.
My father and stepmother got sick of dealing with my depressive symptoms, and sent me to my second grandmother’s home, where I was told how useless I was for a year. How everyone hated me and that’s why I lived there. Maine State almost took me, as I was considered by an entire town at this point, as a lying child with no future. A screwed up little human.
I was instead sent back to my mothers. Again, used as a sex-toy for my pedophile step father. This horrific time continued as my step-father was using cocaine, alcohol, and found cheating on my mother with my aunt, and a whole bunch of human trash.
They threw things at each other all the time, used me as a weapon against suicide and mentally scarred me for life. My mother kicked my stepfather out, and for a short time I was free. Than he pulled a gun on himself and she rescued him. He said he’d get better, but the abuse continued.
He was sent to an asylum about three times, got aggressive with my mother, threatened to hurt us. Looked me straight in the face when I was 14, and told me I was a bitch. That was after I told him to get away from my mom when he had a keyboard in his hands ready to beat her with it.
When things calmed a bit, my step-father thought of us as a ‘couple’. He’d constantly grab my ass, try to get me drunk. He always had arguments that my mom was jealous of our relationship. He took me on car rides and masturbated as I was learning to drive. He went to grab me and for once in my life I slapped him away. I fell into a depression, and the night I caught him taking photos of me in the shower, I cut my wrists open.
I was done. Unfortunately, I failed. All this abuse hindered my ability to continue homeschooling. Yes, I was home schooled after I dropped out of school in 4th grade. My mom stopped teaching me. But this was the least of my worries, as I was trying to figure out how to escape.
Forever trapped and isolated in this abuse. The second time I tried to kill myself was with pesticides. I sprayed a ton of wasp killer into a colored plastic cup and attempted to drink it. Instead, I inhaled the fumes. The third and fourth times were with prescribed muscle-relaxers. I overdosed twice on them. I never wanted to wake up. Eventually I got out of the house.
After being toyed with for too long, I got out. I met my husband. I got out. But the demon still lingers. In the last three years I’ve had numerous suicide attempts. I’ve cut my wrists, overdosed on Ativan, drank alcohol with opiate painkillers, got hooked on opiate painkillers, used benzos to drown my emotions away. None of this worked. I’m still here. I’ve gone to psychiatrists who prescribe placebo pills, SSRIs that make me much more anxious.
I don’t go outside anymore. I don’t talk to people. I don’t want a family. I’ve had more than 7 jobs in the last three years. I never graduated 8th grade, yet everyone assumes this was because of being lazy. Well. It wasn’t. It was, feast or famine. Survive or die. Now I sit here in the cold, angry, hateful. I have no easy way to the future. I sit here daily thinking about how much I hate normal people, how lucky my in-laws are for being able to go to school, get college.
The reason I wrote this today was because I’m sick of being judged, when they do not know the true factors that contributed to my suffering, and my status as a 20 year old dropout with no job. I'm tired of hearing about it...
I cut ties with my mother who still denies everything and says I'm doing this to myself and should forgive my stepfather.
Every time I did he'd perceive me as his girlfriend.
I cannot stand normal families.
I get along with no one.
… I’m done writing now..
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