Never Done It

[SimplyComplex]

I have never done cutting but the thoughts to cut and stab myself is almost always in my head. Its a bit like a broken record. A long time ago I decided it was like a obsessive thought and just tried to ignore it. It went away but now it is back really strong. So strong, its like I really want to hurt myself. I am in therapy for PTSD and see a trauama/PTSD specialist but can't bring myself to tell her I am feeling this way. I have mentioned twice its a thought in my head (it gets really strong when I think of seeing or talking to my abuser). But now I am actually wanting to, before I knew I didn't. It isn't suicidal, I am not suicidal. I really want to punish myself...I guess...

I guess I am wondering if anyone can relate to wanting to self-harm but never doing it? Any advice?

 

[ronin47]

I was unfortunate enough to actually cave to my impulse to cut and it lasted for four years before it got so out of hand I ended up in the hospital for two weeks. It's been a year and a half since the last time I cut myself but I do still have to fight the impulse from time to time.

Believe me, that is not a road you want to go down. It is addictive, it really is. The PTSD symptoms only make it worse. I honestly don't think my cutting problem would've gotten as bad as it did if it wasn't for my depersonalization and disassociative tendencies.

Then the cutting becomes a trauma in of itself. I still have nightmares about that cold grey single dorm room where my cutting reached its pinnacle.

There are a few reasons someone might feel compelled to cut. For me it started out as a distraction mechanism. It was a way of driving out all of the intense, intrusive thoughts and taking my mind off painful emotions. It degenerated to the point where I would do it just because...well...it felt good. :oops:.

I came to the realization that it was in a way punishing myself. The rational (if you could call it that) was that I didn't have to feel guilty after I cut myself because I had recieved my reprimand and "paid my due."

My best advice would be to do something strenuous. I would go out and ride a bicycle. That relieves a lot of the tension and angst that can feed the urge. Another thing would be to write down everything you're thinking, even if the thoughts are unpleasant. That's better than physically harming yourself.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

The best thing to do is distract yourself until the urge passes. It's like a wave. Just ride it until it breaks. It WILL go away; it's just a matter of distracting yourself until it does or until your next therapy session, whichever comes first. TV is a great distraction and so are movies and video games. You can also perform physical activity as Ronin suggested. If all else fails, take a nap. Sometimes a little extra sleep does wonders.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Thanks so much for the replies. I will work really hard not to. I am in my 30s...seems like if I have managed not to all these years I can keep it up. It drives me a bit batty that I even think of it. But I am thinking I have hit a bit of depression...nothing new, just old stuff I buried and refused to admit was in there. I will keep fighting it. I doubt I will get the guts to talk about it in therapy, but ya never know...