Never Thought It Would Happen To Me

[GunnerZulu]

Hey everyone and thanks for the kind introductions you sure do know how to make a soldier feel welcome.

I was 21, 25 now when I went to afghanistan and I thought I knew how the world operated. I thought that if I used my army training that everything will be fine and if you just take everything at face value then youll come out the same you came in, alive and well.

Well as I am writing this letter I am alive and everything in my life is going pretty well. I have a understanding fiance who is beautiful and intelligent, and I have 3 dogs and live in surburbia. If my life was a movie it would be in the happyily ever after ever aside from a random anger outburst here and there. I thought perhaps it was the army training trying to leave my body after five years of service (out now).

I tried to stay employed since I left the service, and I learned alot of skills im my brief stays at these jobs. I say brief because once the novelty of the job no longer captivated me my brain would wander ( as most young adults do) and the Intrusive thoughts would start coming and just like that the fire burnt too strong and I would snap.

Telling myself before starting my workday that today will be a good day only makes it worse

Since my return from overseas I have noticed a few things about myself that changed

1. I have a substance abuse problem (weed) and I get the whole weed isnt a drug but it is for me so back off! (Happy gilmore referance big points)

2 My empathy for other people has plummeted to the point of being a complete asshole 100% of the time.

3. My belief strucuture has changed quite a bit. Im less trusting, more prone to suspicion

4. I have turned into a unfaithful, unmonogoeous, cheating, adrenaline chasing fool who doesnt deserve anyone. I dont even think I deserve my fiance who knows about this all

This ptsd disganosis is new. But the symptoms arent.

VA has provided me with the tools It just feels sometimes like I dont have thr instruction Manuel

Thanks for listening

Gunnerzulu

 

[woodsie]

Well that sums up my life. I like to hang on by a thread and then burn everything to the ground. I've packed up and moved clear across the country to rebuild, it woke me up and provided an outlet to rebuild. Not saying this works for everyone but, it provided me with an alternative. To what was going to go down if I didn't get the hell outta dodge.

Things now sound like the first part of your intro and the last part sounds like me 2yrs after Baghdad. I have ptsd, I have anxiety problems, I trust no one but a very select few. This is how it is now. Go to work and give em 100% I may be a lucky few. My job is ever changing and pays me well, my house is small but, it is mine, my truck is an old shit box V8 but it is mine, my jeans have patched holes but they are mine. My heart is broken but I will fix it.

Be proud of who you are and try to simplify your surroundings, this may help with the temptations of infidelity. SNAFU is what it feels like time to time. Try and make the best of it, take two and think it thru.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

GZ, Your walking the path that a good many of us have as well. Lots of questions and not many answers.

All I will say about weed is "what ever works" for now! If you doing meds check with the medical professionals.

VA has provided me with the tools It just feels sometimes like I don't have thr instruction Manuel

My friend none of us got it either don't sweat it. This forum is the "Help File" and a daily reality check.

All the rest requires patience.

Ba

 

[Lurch]

Gunner,

We know how you are feeling. Everything that you are going through I went through also, except for the “weed” issue. I went the opposite way, as I wanted to always be in control of the situation. All any of us can offer is hope and a place to lean when you are down.

This is NOT an excuse and really hard for a lot of us to accept, but PTSD is a disability (especially of you cannot keep a job). It has taken me a lot of thinking to understand this and what it means for me. I have a disability that with accommodations I can lead a productive life. For me and my work, my CO and XO know that at times I need to leave and go for a run or close my door and sit quietly. The fact that I desire to “strangle the stupid” is very overwhelming. I now carry a picture of a pink Hello Kitty Tazer to show them (given to me by a peer). This brings humor to a situation that could turn “explosive”. I can only concentrate for certain time periods, I allow myself to visit productive websites and forums (like this one). This gives me the stimuli that I need to go back and do the mundane work. I also utilize a Service Dog to get me through times/areas that are normal triggers.

This may not work for you, but hopefully it will give you thoughts that may work. The best advice that anyone can give is to find a "therapist" that works for you and work through the feelings. Not every therapist works, but with time and work you can find one that does. Then the real work begins. It is a long path, but there is hope....