Sufferer New And Confused

[Renestel]

As shimmerz mentions, you struggle with a lot of similar things that I do, Dahlia. So, to first answer your question- "when/how do you decide to give up on a relationship?" I personally believe that giving up on a relationship is more mental, but to actually go through a divorce- it is more physical. I would ask myself, have I made every attempt to make this work? Have we tried marital counseling, have we tried doing things different ways as much as possible to help each others well being, etc. If you two are literally at the end of the road of options like, we can't go anywhere from here other than apart-that's when I would say it's time. You recently posted on one of my threads and know full well I'm having my issues with my husband as well, and as stated above, it's so hard to observe a loved one wanting to act like nothings going on under the surface, but maybe it's a "hope" that things can be regular in that moment? I guess you can't fault a person for hoping that when they are being forced to go through something that isn't "theirs" so often. I recently talked with my husband about looking for a job this upcoming January, and we got on the topic of me telling the interviewer I have PTSD. My husband felt like it was a horrible idea. But there again is the difference. We sometimes are at a point where we wear it on our sleeves, it IS us. Their first reaction is hide it. It's hard to see eye to eye.

My take on your husband's reaction is like the others, perhaps he was threatened, embarrassed or even jealous? Either way the friend I agree doesn't seem any bit uncomfortable. I will say my husband would feel a little uneasy if I were calling a male friend at 3 am rather than talk to him (you didn't, but since he offered that, I would just say communicate with your husband prior just so he doesn't come out at 3am and you try to explain from there if that pops up in the future)

One thing I do want to say, while I admire and applaud you for being SO strong through the things you mentioned, make sure you saying divorce would just be another thing I can handle isn't you subconsciously shutting off or shutting out. I do that a LOT. Just want you to have no regrets because divorce is a big thing.
Hope you find some peace to this soon and don't feel so depressed and alone. You're not alone here I assure you! :)

 

[Renestel]

Did you say you threw back your chef's coat?? I'm a ex-chef too!! I quit in January because all head chefs seem to be angry dudes with napoleon complex that think throwing pans at the wall and burning me with hot oil is a way to motivate. I love cooking but the environments are SO triggering. What's your specialty? Have you ever tried finding a friend or a family you trust that would want you to be an in home chef? I think that's an ideal place for a talented chef with PTSD.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

@ are you on any medications for your PTSD? My man has lost hope that he will not get better.I don't want...

Don't worry, I'm not hopeless!

 

[Broken Dahlia]

As shimmerz mentions, you struggle with a lot of similar things that I do, Dahlia. So, to first answer...

I understand a little about where they are coming from, I guess. I don't want this to be my whole identity either, but I feel like hiding it, faking it makes me feel even more isolated. I don't want to wear a sign proclaiming it for the whole world to see, I just want to be honest. I also told my husband that I am not taking another job without discussing PTSD with the employer. He is supportive of that, but I can't imagine anyone hiring me if I told them the truth. I know divorce is a big deal and we have talked about it a lot- statistics are not on our side. I don't want out of my marriage but I am sick of the status quo. It just feels wrong to get more understanding from strangers than the person who loves me the most.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

Did you say you threw back your chef's coat?? I'm a ex-chef too!! I quit in January because all head ch...

I was a baker and I also worked all aspects of catering. I am not a line cook- I can prep and do big batch commercial cooking all day but short orders freak me out. I couldn't think, so I ended up washing as many dishes as I could to escape the line. Ugh, sweaty guys cursing, yelling, and breaking dishes is too familiar to me. I can't believe the stuff I put up with when I was younger!

 

[Renestel]

I did mostly baking as well! I've also worked pantry, but I think the love I found in the last year of the kitchen was being in charge of scratch soups, and at home I'm learning I am a mean saucier. All my innate roots of growing up in the south, (U.S.) all the sudden come out and I find making scratch gravy, wing sauces, pork loin sauces, ugh they were like meditation. Everything shuts off. and with soups and sauces as long as you have a really good knowledge of what your doing mixed with problem solving, there is no failure. There is always a fix, or an evolution. Love it. Sorry, cook dorking out there. :woot: So back to the point-- I don't want you to feel in ANY way I'm telling you to do these things- I wanted to offer some job options that I have liked while really going through what has so far been my most severe time of PTSD. If you like these suggestions, great, if not no worries at all.

-Dog walking and training- this was perfect for me because people trigger me, animals do NOT. They are honest, non judgmental, and man are they intuitive. I LOVED this job and would do it again because it's just you and the animal, you have full control. Even if you haven't had that much experience walking or training some of the more challenging types, you could always pet sit. Then it could even be on your turf at times. Very comfortable.

-I don't know what kind of person sleep wise you are, but in the last chef job I had, I found a very rare morning baking job that wasn't at 3 am like most, but some people deal with that just fine, and you are alone most of the day in the kitchen. I loved it. I controlled what music I listened to, my environment, the mood, and I just got to create and do my thing. You may like that too. Cupcake baking for specialty shops would be my first idea.

- Another opportunity is what I'm doing and if its something in your budget, take your time, don't push yourself into a job, start with nonprofits, if you don't like it you can walk, but if you do like it then you have an opportunity to eventually get paid doing that which you like, and in the meantime you get to come home feeling like you really helped people. Sometimes the only way people turn all this bad into good is by becoming counselors, crisis center workers, troubled youth employees, etc. There's nothing wrong with that! I find using my trauma background to help others not feel so alone very nourishing. Where as when I just talk to a counselor and its just heavy energy sitting in a room I at times feel dirty or confused.
But in the meantime--are you cooking at home?? That is where you have full control. Keep that talent and passion well tuned. Sometimes I go in about to make a big meal like, Ugggggghhhhhh. I do NOT want to do this. And then there you go I get into it, start making a sauce or some dough and I'm in heaven. My brain shuts off with all of its nonsense, I transform all of the pain of the day into passion and focus, and then it's like my husband has to rip me away from the kitchen. It's my therapist right now. Might always be.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

I did mostly baking as well! I've also worked pantry, but I think the love I found in the last year of...

I still cook all of the time, but I have shifted away from baking and am focusing on vegetables, had to cut back on the sugar and starch unfortunately. I definitely notice a difference in my mood when I eat cleaner, less physical pain too.

A few years ago I started selling skin care products at a farmer's market and they asked me to bake, too. I started a home bakery and things went well for several months- I was making my products and baking, outside twice a week selling, socializing, seemed to be doing better. A few people made comments about my appearance, compliments that bothered me, but I worked it out with my therapist. Then a creepy old farmer started bothering me- he was obnoxious and immature and in the end he triggered me horribly with "jokes." He talked about tickling me and then joked that my husband should tie me up so that I couldn't run away. I ended up leaving the market after speaking up and being ignored. Since then, minus the debacle last month, I have hidden in my cave.

I have been thinking about starting the skincare up again, it is a lot of the same ingredients as baking, sugar, oils, etc., but the markup is better and the product is not as perishable. I just don't know where to sell now-never going back to that market and can't drive out of town right now. I also don't know if I should try to sell again, talking to people sucks the life out of me like nothing else. It can go so well, but when it doesn't...it also isn't much money, but I don't seem well suited to working for anyone else anymore.

I donated product to the women's center where I received counseling and planned to volunteer there, but my therapist sort of cut me off after a few years of working together, so now I feel weird about that place, too. I feel like a lot of my problems would be solved if I moved away and started over- I isolate because of the bad experiences that have stacked up here. I know that people are people everywhere, but I moved out of state five years ago and functioned so much better. I had four different jobs in a year, nothing worked out long term, but I didn't just hide in my house. I started to feel like I had a life again, made friends even. Then we were robbed, evicted, I got pregnant and miscarried. We came back home where I am safe.

Sorry for the ramble; I agree animals are much better than people- we have four cats and a dog and their company is better than most humans I have met- they are good people!

 

[intothelight]

@Dahlia Welcome! :)