Relationship New Boyfriend With Combat Ptsd

[writergirl67]

Hi everyone,

Three months ago, I started dating my wounded ex-Marine with combat PTSD and a strain of schizophrenia in what one would call a whirlwind romance. I felt an instant connection to him, something stronger than I'd felt even in the two-year relationship I'd last been in (and I had been sure I'd marry that guy). We would talk constantly, go on days-long adventures that, now looking back, were a bit illogical and signs of erratic behavior. But nevertheless, I was sure I had found my soulmate. We connected so intensely that it was electrifying, plus he was romantic and extremely loving towards me, making the first move every step of the way (the first I love you, first kiss, hand-holding, etc...) when I am the one who usually has intimacy issues due to childhood sexual trauma, previously emotionally abusive relationships, and my own anxiety and depression.

At first, we seemed to bond over this and he would say things like "you make me want to live" and "usually I feel nothing but you make me feel so happy, in love, etc..." and "I want to do everything with you/marry you someday/we're never breaking up." I was in bliss...for a little while. My own anxiety crashed into his PTSD in a brutal way, me never knowing if his occasional carelessness or shut-downs were something I should take personally or if his dwindling romantic tendencies were because he was losing interest in me. This caused me to feel more manic and clingy and him to isolate himself more and more until we got where we are today.

He's completely emotionally numb at this stage. His texts are dry, the last time I needed his support in an emotional crisis, he disappeared on me for days and was cold/mean when I finally got a hold of him. We saw each other last night, and it was like being around a stranger. There were pockets when he told me he loved me or cracked a joke that we shared in the beginning that gave me renewed hope that I can deal with this (we even had amazing sex, though it worries me that I'm trying to fill the emotional void with being physical with him), but it was really difficult, especially since he was SO nurturing, attentive, and loving in the beginning. I've just started more intensive research on how to manage this and if this is really something I can handle. Last night, he told me that he still wanted to be with me without hesitation, and I told him that I would accept him as he is, but I want to make sure that I'm being fair and honest in promising that.

I'm learning not to expect too much and to be there for him without judging or trying to fix him (he's on many meds and sees a therapist at the VA though those haven't shown effective), but there are moments that still seem to get the better of me (ex: even though he is saying he's emotionally numb, he brightens and laughs around his friends and not me during these episodes). Am I just 21 and being naïve in not wanting to give up on him? How do you cope with these distant episodes? Tips on communication/when to make myself available/how to act and talk to him? Does the person you met in the beginning ever come back or is it just downhill from here? Does his short return make this all worth it? Any advice on this would be amazing. I'm feeling lost and desperate. Everyone keeps telling me to leave him and that I'm too young for this, but I have separation anxiety (I know, what a combo), and my heart is still SO in this. I want to at least attempt it.

- N

 

[Linzee]

Firstly, welcome to the site its a great source of advice and support.

Secondly, I think your issues are at least 2 fold. You both come together in as you describe, a 'whirlwind' romance. We all know how intense and exhilarating they are before you come back down to Earth. But you each bring your own trauma to the situation which in itself I don't think is a problem. But only 3 months in when "I love you's" have been said and declarations of future marriage and never breaking up. This all puts a huge amount of pressure on a developing relationship.

I think the issues you each face with your own trauma could be helped by just slowing down a little.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Beware the honeymoon period... they call it that for a reason.

 

[writergirl67]

Firstly, welcome to the site its a great source of advice and support.

Secondly, I think your issues ar...

I definitely agree with you on the rush. I guess my frustration is in that now that I feel like I'm starting over with him and taking it slow, I also feel like I'm dating a completely different person, so I'm not quite sure how to act and how to let the relationship blossom organically while taking into account his own struggles and stoicism.

 

[Snowflakes]

@writergirl67 I would spend years walking on eggshells. Others here have described it as walking a tightrope over a lion cage. Communication with your sufferer will be like nothing you have ever learned. Actually, other than a few things like giving them the time and space when isolating, you're going to have to learn this on the fly. It's not like changing the bandage on a physical would, it's trying to understand the damage to a mental would.

Does the person you meet ever come back? Yes...over time and a lot of therapy they will learn how to manage their PTSD. The trauma will always be there, it's how well they can manage it that will decide their final state. Does it go away like a broken arm where the arm is as it was? No. PTSD changed both the sufferer and the supporter to. I've always thought that when one door closes another opens and the new opened door may lead to a better world.

Don't listen to what others say when they tell you to leave him. Yes you're 21 and their advice is most likely to spare you a lifetime of hurt but the decision must always lie within your heart.

Read all our stories here to learn what you are in for, then if you do decide to continue, tell your stories and ask questions. You are never alone here, we will walk this road with you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes it doesn't go away or get better. Sometimes it gets much worse. PTSD is a mental illness. It's not easy to be in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. This may be how it always is. If you go into it expecting things to get better you're going to make yourself miserable.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Sweetpea76 I respect you insight more than you know and I value your thoughts.

And yes, PTSD may never get better and often spirals into the rabbit hole so deep nothing pulls them out. I've spent to much time at the VA Medical Center to think otherwise.

But for me personally, I have to hope it gets better because, if I don't, then I've relegated myself to a lifetime in hell. I get being miserable, I've been there so many times, it should be my middle name.

My signature is what keeps me going, without it I would have walked 10 years ago.

I think @writergirl67 is in a rough spot at the young age of 21. I think all those people who are telling her to bail now are just trying to save her from a life time of potential misery. But when she wrote she wanted to at least attempt it....all I could think of was giving her the gift of hope.

But @Sweetpea76 ....you are absolutely correct.

Edit: spelling

 

[joeylittle]

wounded ex-Marine with Combat PTSD and a strain of schizophrenia in what one would call a whirlwind romance.

Am I just 21 and being naïve in not wanting to give up on him?

I'm going to be very blunt: you are being naive. He doesn't only have PTSD (which could be bad enough). Schizophrenia is an incredibly difficult illness.

What you need to accept is that this relationship was never real. It didn't actually happen. You experienced - as you said - a whirlwind: intense, romantic, enmeshed. And now, it's nearly gone. If you don't accept that it's gone, your own mental heath issues will cause you to lean harder and harder into him, in an attempt to ease your anxiety. And it's like leaning into a wall made of paper. Because he's not really there. All his energy goes towards keeping himself functioning. There can be none for you.

If he no mental health issues whatsoever, we'd just be talking about a pretty normal (though sometimes really depressing) short but sweet relationship. Add the mental health - let's add yours first (anxiety, depression) - and we are looking at an emotional dependency problem (yours) inside a dying relationship. Add his mental health problems, and you are just in for much, much more hurt than you will ever want to handle.

Tips on communication/when to make myself available/how to act and talk to him? Does the person you met in the beginning ever come back or is it just downhill from here? Does his short return make this all worth it?

I'm going to go back to the additional complication of the schizophrenia. In order to learn to communicate, he has to be fully aware of the problem, and you will need a talented therapist to work with the two of you, and then you separately, to understand the workings of his illness and how to communicate through it. I don't see him indicating any capacity for that work. If he wasn't managing PTSD on top of it, maybe. But he is. So, no.

Does the person from the beginning ever come back? No. He can't escape his own mind with you anymore, because the newness is gone. The person you were with isn't actually who he is. It was him in the kind of adventure-mania that is pretty typical of a schizophrenic.

Those short returns more often than not will indicate that a more intense symptomatic period is coming along. They aren't respites. They are warning signs.

I'm a PTSD sufferer. I'm also the daughter of a highly functioning schizophrenic. I will be the first one to stand up and defend people on the schizophrenic spectrum, because it's a mental illness, and it's manageable in many ways. But the individual has to be extremely treatment-compliant. I'm not reading that in your post. And PTSD also requires treatment compliance...which would mean, you would see him actively working on it outside of therapy. No matter what kind of PTSD treatment the sufferer is getting, it's very much a two-way street. You have to work in order to get better...not just show up.

I don't know your guy. My opinion is just an opinion - but I really believe there isn't a road to walk down, here. You're at the end.

 

[writergirl67]

I'm going to be very blunt: you are being naive. He doesn't only have PTSD (which could be bad enou...

Thank you. I really appreciate your honesty and bluntness on the matter. It gave me a lot of insight into what was just self-made hope on my part and what is a real possibility.

 

[anmun8]

I'm sorry that you are going through all this! And it is just starting... I can completely relate since my partner is also diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolarism and once mentioned to be also with schizophrenia, which is VERY HARD. He went to combat and it's been 7 years now since then. I have been with him for almost 3 years now and all I can say is it is not easy. I have tried very had since the beginning and I now he has also put some effort but some days its just a "I don't care" and shuts down completely on me. As for the schizophrenia, a lot of fighting and paranoia and trust issues. When it would escalate to a real bad level I would retreat myself from the situation and when we would get his feet on ground again I would tell him what he accused me of or was thinking or acting out on. At first it was all perfect. But once time would go by I would start seeing and going through the other him. I would say "war mode". He is such a loving person to me and my daughter; which he raised her, and treats me just how I want to be treated in a relationship and loved. And we have so MANY great memories or things we have done together that are just beautiful and has helped us both! Which I am grateful for always. But of coarse, nobody likes the bad days. The sad part is as much as you try to not get pulled in those days when its not him but his PTSD or whatever mood he is in, you always get drag in with him; simply because you Love him and want him to get better.

What I have learned through all is that, sometimes it does get better and some days it gets from bad to even worse. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, but just TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND FOCUS ON YOU; while he focuses on him. What I do when he isolates himself from me, is I don't pressure him, I don't call or even text. I leave him alone and let him be. He always comes back and we always talk about what happen and what we can do to make it work better. Because we love each other. But he has to put more effort in wanting it. I can also say is that eventually you will get tired, more sad, sometimes very mad at him and yourself. But it does get better for you and it makes you stronger and more determine. You start to make boundaries or start thinking more clearly and questioning yourself and with the PROS and CONS of the relationship and yourself. In sometime, you will finally make that decision. Don't let anybody tell you what to do. But always listen and ask for advise for those who can really understand your point of the situation and what's going on; because we will never understand the our military partner, just accept them for who they are when they are in that mode. But to a limit, because you are human also and it is not fair to be their punching bag. Treatment. He has to get help but really want it and stick to it. A lot of promises can be made in the "honeymoon fase" but make sure he does it as well as medication. For now. Stick to a plan and think what best for you. Give him his space, let him get to you and in the meantime distract yourself and do something with yourself. If you need to cry, cry, but clean those tears as soon as your done because this is not your fault and you cannot cure it. Just be grateful for the good days. If he truly wants you and loves you, he will make it work by getting help. If not it will continue to be a cycle. You decide if you want to me in that loop. It wont be easy and it is very sad, but in the end; hope dies last. I hope this helps. I'm just being very honest in how I have dealt with this. And anytime you can, always visit this page and ready everybody's story that you can relate also.

 

[Snowflakes]

@anmun8 Your story brought tears to my eyes because it best describes why I do what I do. Thank you for writing this. You just made today a good day for me.

 

[writergirl67]

I'm sorry that you are going through all this! And it is just starting... I can completely relate since...

Thank you all so much for this and for sharing your stories with me. The relationship you have with your partner brought tears to my eyes.

I know that this is all new for me and that I'm very young, but I've had to grow up faster than most, so it's nice to vent to people who take me and this situation seriously and who understand that it's not all black and white.

Update: He reached out to me via text first, a day after I saw him last, which I thought was a good sign. We chatted for a bit, nothing extraordinary, and then I decided to tell him about finding and joining this forum. I explained to him how it's helped me learn about him and gather advice to approach this in a mature and realistic way. I wanted him to understand that I'm not trying to change him but rather learn about what he's going through and adapt to something different (without changing who I fundamentally am either). I also wanted him to feel like I am being completely transparent with him in the hopes that I come across less like an emotional threat. He responded so positively! He told me how much that meant to him and that he'd love to talk to me about it more.

I let the conversation end after that so that he can reach out to me again when he feels comfortable. But just...thank you. I was very emotional and upset when I logged onto this site and feel a calm now that I haven't experienced in a while. I haven't made a final decision and won't until I continue reading and having these conversations, but you all responding so quickly is helping tremendously. Thank you.