I have been out of the ARMY since March 2009. I served in SADRE City for a while and fought very hard to stay alive and complete my mission. I came home on leave that summer in 2008 and evrything was fine but when I returned we recieved orders to to take my Mitt Team into Sadre City. I'm not complaining because this was my job but I didn't know I was going to screw up my life by doing this.
I spent a time there and saw things but I think the killing people and the little boy who lost the side of his neck by accident along with losing a good friend who enjoyed his job and just wanted to help people in that country, and a few others that may gross people out. I think I began to lose it when my friend was killed and I got there in time to talk to him and he smiled at me and called me on my BS. I think he knew the EFP was bad. I cried for days and wondered why I couldn't take his place.
After that everything snowballed. We wanted in and a guy wouldn't let let us so we shot the door with the shotgun and the door knob/fragments hit his son and wife.From what I can tell the boy was my sons age or close. We had a sniper shooting people and and not only did it make you ask where he was but if your next. He did get a few.
I have bottled this up for the last year and now my marriage is suffering to the point I think she hates me. I can't look at my son without thinking of the little boy. And I still cry when I think about my buddy or see his picture. The depression and anxiety suck but what I'm doing to my family is worse. I miss family events and soccer games. It's hard to tell if I've changed or not. But I'm sure I'm not the same and I love my family.
The worse part though is being alone and doing this alone. I have always thought sucide was for people who were taking the easy way out.I have came very close to saying I'm causing these problems and I can make everyone happy if I do this. Thats as far as it has got.
I'm not sure if you guys believe in God or other religion but Something happened to me and it was strange. Being someone who doesn't believe in anything after all I've been through. I was woke up alot during this last week hearing a voice calling out numbers. Just number and there was no religion referance mentioned. I have been having problems with the wife and its because we don't talk. Back to the numbers I heard it once last monday and woke up thinking I heard the TV. I went back to sleep but was woke again at 245 and I heard if you want to save your marriage I told you and the numbers were said again. I sat up and said what because the voice was loud but not thunderous or god like just loud kinda like a Soldier explaining orders. As I said what I looked over and a man was ther kinda like a soldier or warrior and walked out. I wrote the numbers down and like I sid I'm not religious and not pushing this at you. I looked around and finally googled the numbers I wrote down for page upon page it was the same thing. 1 Corinthians chapter 7. I read it and it was like an instruction manual for marriage.
I don't know much about the bible but I found this strange and I felt better after I read the chapter. This was very important to me due to my wife was leaving me that week and I was breaking down. After I read it I felt peaceful and I still go back and read it daily. Sorry for the long intro and Please feel free to ask me anything or say I'm crazy or whatever but if it's God or a soldier or an angel looking out for me I need all the help I can get.
We all have our story and only time can heal the wounds but after this happened it was the best I felt in about a year due to thw fact I felt someone was with me and cared about me enough to point me in the right direction because I was losing it and had evil thought rolling around in my head.
If any of you ever need someone to lean on I'm here. I know what it feels like to be alone in a crowded room or nervous or numb or wishing you could take that mans place or asking why did I make it and that man die. He was a better person we all have our place and maybe this is ours. We were meant to find each otherand lend a kelping hand.
I know this is long but if you made it to the end I would love to here from you. I will be here alone this weekend and need people who understand what I'm going through except the Religion/ghost part. Maybe you can explain that?
I spent a time there and saw things but I think the killing people and the little boy who lost the side of his neck by accident along with losing a good friend who enjoyed his job and just wanted to help people in that country, and a few others that may gross people out. I think I began to lose it when my friend was killed and I got there in time to talk to him and he smiled at me and called me on my BS. I think he knew the EFP was bad. I cried for days and wondered why I couldn't take his place.
After that everything snowballed. We wanted in and a guy wouldn't let let us so we shot the door with the shotgun and the door knob/fragments hit his son and wife.From what I can tell the boy was my sons age or close. We had a sniper shooting people and and not only did it make you ask where he was but if your next. He did get a few.
I have bottled this up for the last year and now my marriage is suffering to the point I think she hates me. I can't look at my son without thinking of the little boy. And I still cry when I think about my buddy or see his picture. The depression and anxiety suck but what I'm doing to my family is worse. I miss family events and soccer games. It's hard to tell if I've changed or not. But I'm sure I'm not the same and I love my family.
The worse part though is being alone and doing this alone. I have always thought sucide was for people who were taking the easy way out.I have came very close to saying I'm causing these problems and I can make everyone happy if I do this. Thats as far as it has got.
I'm not sure if you guys believe in God or other religion but Something happened to me and it was strange. Being someone who doesn't believe in anything after all I've been through. I was woke up alot during this last week hearing a voice calling out numbers. Just number and there was no religion referance mentioned. I have been having problems with the wife and its because we don't talk. Back to the numbers I heard it once last monday and woke up thinking I heard the TV. I went back to sleep but was woke again at 245 and I heard if you want to save your marriage I told you and the numbers were said again. I sat up and said what because the voice was loud but not thunderous or god like just loud kinda like a Soldier explaining orders. As I said what I looked over and a man was ther kinda like a soldier or warrior and walked out. I wrote the numbers down and like I sid I'm not religious and not pushing this at you. I looked around and finally googled the numbers I wrote down for page upon page it was the same thing. 1 Corinthians chapter 7. I read it and it was like an instruction manual for marriage.
I don't know much about the bible but I found this strange and I felt better after I read the chapter. This was very important to me due to my wife was leaving me that week and I was breaking down. After I read it I felt peaceful and I still go back and read it daily. Sorry for the long intro and Please feel free to ask me anything or say I'm crazy or whatever but if it's God or a soldier or an angel looking out for me I need all the help I can get.
We all have our story and only time can heal the wounds but after this happened it was the best I felt in about a year due to thw fact I felt someone was with me and cared about me enough to point me in the right direction because I was losing it and had evil thought rolling around in my head.
If any of you ever need someone to lean on I'm here. I know what it feels like to be alone in a crowded room or nervous or numb or wishing you could take that mans place or asking why did I make it and that man die. He was a better person we all have our place and maybe this is ours. We were meant to find each otherand lend a kelping hand.
I know this is long but if you made it to the end I would love to here from you. I will be here alone this weekend and need people who understand what I'm going through except the Religion/ghost part. Maybe you can explain that?
