New Grandmother

[shimmerz]

I thought of this day for decades. Now two of my children are going to be parents. I have been told that I am not allowed around my grandchildren as I suffer from PTSD. I just want to walk away from all of this. My ex has trained my children so well and even though they are adults now their belief system is such that they buy into the 'your mother is nuts'. I have been dx'd by more doctors than got and each one concurs that there is no psychosis in this girl.

My dilemma is now, how to stop damaging myself farther by putting up with this attitude of even more abuse being heaped upon me. Walk, run, or continue this battle? Thoughts anyone?

 

[Justmehere]

I volunteer with kids a lot through a mentoring program, and my daily job is working with kids... and part of it is honestly because it proves to my family I'm safe with kids (and I am) and that I'm not crazy. I am the family scapegoat though, and sounds like you might be as well, and it's a very hard dynamic to change. It often takes a lot of time and space - so the family can't keep blaming the scapegoat. But I know waking away is so hard and so painful.

 

[StarChild]

dx'd

Hi @shimmerz, could you please explain what this means? - By not using acronyms, chances are that you'll get more answers. For not everyone knows all acronyms...

 

[shimmerz]

Yes @Justmehere, I can relate to the family scapegoat thing. I am sorry you are in that position as it is horrendous. @SweetLullaby my apologies. Dxc is short for diagnosed

 

[Barconian]

I think you have very good reason to be crying @shimmerz.

My ex wife tried training my children to hate me for many years... I continued to battle and I did have psychosis at one point in time. I one the war by standing my ground and training my children about kindness and inner strength! Love is powerful :D

 

[shimmerz]

Thank you @Barconian. I have tried so hard to use that model as really, it is me to be kind and loving. I always thought that love was the most powerful force out there. Apparently to some Ferrari's and big houses are a much stronger draw and given my financial situation and fragile nature, it seems I am just a 'dirty little secret' in the family at this point.

Time and patience. Perhaps in the end love does win - and I can't be absent if that is the case. I am just not sure how much more pain I can take without breaking. Truly breaking. Not just partially broken as I am ;-) I thank you so much for the reminder.

@Justmehere I thank you for reminding me that I do have options. Your strategy is a good one. Have your children recognized that you are actually responsible enough to be with your grandchildren? I would be interested to know that if you are willing to share.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't have grandkids, just nieces and nephews and a large extended family with lots of little kiddos. Some of my family members think I'm a problem all the way around and while most have never said they don't want me around their kids, they never invite me along either.

My brother said just after the first of hid daughter that he wasn't sure he could "risk" letting his child around someone who had to "go to a hospital" - and he further explained he was referring to when I was hospitalized for being suicidal as a teenager, 17 years ago. 17 YEARS ago. When I was a TEENAGER. I asked why was he bringing that up now, despite 17 years of never expressing a concern. He said he was just rethinking things since having his own kids made it different. He told me there was nothing about the past 17 years that concerned him, just that fact. He spoke of my hospitalization like he was traumatized by it - and frankly, he is just beginning his own healing journey on the trauma he survived as a kid.

It hurt beyond words. I told him, it's his choice, he is free to make it, and I'm glad that as new daddy he wants to protect his daughter. I told him that I'm not a parent myself, but I sure want to protect the kids I work with.

I just left it at that.

He came back later on and invited me along.

Another family member did the same thing - after more than a decade of no concerns, referred to when I was a suicidal teenager and the birth of their kids as why they didn't want me around. With them, I broke down sobbing \and told them they were hurtful jerks... um... yeah... I have not been able to repair that relationship... and I honestly don't want to anymore. It hurts, deeply, but I am not going to spend the rest of my life chasing them.

Most of the rest of the family knows I work with kids as a profession and they sort of cut the nonsense about it now that I work with kids as a profession.

The stuff about kids though is a symptom of deeper problems. None of those are resolved so while sometimes I am around the kids, it is still painful as hell and they find new ways to scapegoat me. It's hard, sometimes it is worth it, sometimes it doesn't seem like it. It does make me want to protect and fight for the safety of the abused children I work with all the more.

 

[shimmerz]

So very helpful @Justmehere. This has validated many of the thought patterns I am going through right now trying to determine what is best for me in this situation. I thank you so much for your perspective and am sorry you have had to struggle through this. I respect your tenacity.

 

[Barconian]

I always thought that love was the most powerful force out there. Apparently to some Ferrari's and big houses are a much stronger draw and given my financial situation and fragile nature, it seems I am just a 'dirty little secret' in the family at this point.

What I learnt shimmerz is that human beings are attracted to what is easiest and need what is hardest... Even the Ferrari owners fall and learn a valuable lesson in greed if life turns against them. During the great depression in the 1920's, the suicide rate was highest in history, because the rich became poor and could not cope!!! But to the already poor, it was just another year.

 

[shimmerz]

Well, it was a party all right. My grandson was born on April 16th. There was a party for the entire family at my other son's house for his 'gender reveal' soiree. I was basically ignored. My already born grandson was there and my son brought him to me (this is the second time I have seen him). Mother's day was spent at Dad's house. I did walk into the party with my head held high and you wouldn't have known there was anything going on inside my head or how hard it was. I was light and cheerful but the MINUTE I walked out of there I literally dropped and haven't been my self since (three days now).

@Justmehere , yes, I am the family scapegoat. @Barconian, yes, I believe that love is stronger than fear. It is also a valid point that when the material stuff goes they have only themselves to look at. Sometimes there is nothing there so many people feel 'what is the point'. I wanted so much more for my children and they are adults now and can make their choices. But they are so very very cold. Nobody wants to be around me because I make them look bad. It wrecks their image.

So I guess the question is, how to hold onto my sanity in the meanwhile. I know this is toxic stuff and have rid myself of most other toxicity in my life. I am surrounded by very very good people right now. But how do I rid myself of this without destroying any chance for my grandbabies?

Cut it off until the kids get it or play this charade? I know in my heart that charades feed PTSD. Lies are not good coming from ourselves or others. Mostly ourselves. I went to this party to support my youngest son and his wife but feel there is little support back. This is just spinning me.