New Guy

[reddevil1111]

Anglesachse,
I took a hammer to the ribbons and medals....paperwork. Photos...I even burned up my boot camp year book. I did what you said. And I thought I would feel better after but I dont. I did that about 15 years ago. Even the old uniforms. I really had it out one night. I think it was kind of a divorce of me from the Marines.
I was really bitter about being forced to go to the gulf war. I was done with my 4 years. And then the kept saying another 6 months ...and another... I think time has dulled that frustration and anger but It is part of why I was that way. The other thing was the memories I had tied into those things. Every time I thought of the guys I know who were wounded or killed those medals just made me more mad and frustrated.
Jimmy, I came close one time during a rant about talking some about what I saw and did. I deleted it long before I considered putting it up. I feel like a corked bottle of bubbly. Some good, some bad but it all wants out and I ve no where to let it out. And no one to talk to about it. I cant even imagine why someone would want to fake this or act like its cool. I wish I could scrub my head clean and maybe act a bit normal again.
I started playing this game online called the West. cool game good for me as I only have to be on 2 times a day for 15 min to play. But it has a social part. Join towns, talk, you know. I cant seem to do it. Every time I join a town I have to leave it as I cant stand the arsewits in it.
I dont like being this way. I really am depressed about it.

 

[Jimmy1]

Well Red, I am the same. I have a new therapist which I have no trust with yet, and even if I did I don't know whether he would understand. The other thing us vets suffer from is comparing. I used to think and still think sometimes that my traumas are nothing compared to others. That is a thorn in our sides for all of us as we would be inclined not to share for that reason. And it eventually has to come out for us to function, otherwise it will eat us from the inside

 

[reddevil1111]

I tried to talk to that silly woman of a therapist. She had no clue. The real problem is I need to talk to someone who relates to being a vet. Not someone who lives a privilged life and "helps" out of the goodness or her heart. She had no clue. What little I told her made her eyes grow real big...lol.. I knew there was no way. I gotta tell you the things that I saw wont let themselfs out that easy. It seems like a series of small steps.
I keep feeling like I need to have a deep sould wringing cry. I get to about halfway there and I cant go further I hit a road block. I was never much for tears. But now I do it in my sleep...I feel so helpless about it all. Not the superman I once belived I was. OH and Happy Birthday Marine Corps!... I used to drink to that every year but this year I think Ill just go to bed early and try to forget.

 

[Wagon]

Did not realise I was not the only one who has tried to destroy the past. I have sold all my uniforms, thrown away allot of pictures, tossed my ribbons and medals in the sea. But there is still one small beaten up cardboard box with a bunch of ditties and negatives in it from the past. I've been carrying it around the world for 15 years or so. Never unpack it. Could never bear it. My wife asked me when we moved about a year and a half ago if I was going to sort it out. I said no. Thats for another day. Maybe when we finally get our shit out of storage I'll go through it. But there is allot of pain packed into that worn out box memories.

And by the way. Welcome Darren. I'm a bit late. But I was Navy so that's pretty much par for the course.

Wagon

 

[Ned]

I put nearly all of it in the fire, apart from the medals and the letter from the Queen. The fancy dress irritated me anyway.
Kept my beret, and my boots. And my skid-lids. And my bergens. And my attitude.......

 

[Jimmy1]

You know we are trashing this guys introduction. I will start a post under Anger.
Cheers