Hi everyone,
This is all pretty new to me and I'm so happy I came across this place. Reading through some of the threads of here has had me almost punching the air recognising the similarities in the situations people are in to how things are with me / us at the moment. Although I've been in a relationship with my ptsd sufferer for just over 3 years, I have only just discovered what the problem is a few weeks ago (he's never been in the armed services, his trauma was unrelated to that but not dissimilar - terrible event involving violence, guilt, etc). So I've been dealing with it sort of blindly until very recently, which has been unbelievably hard. I knew something terribly had happened to him (instinctively and from the odd thing he said, then clammed up again) but I didn't know how to link it with how he behaved before. Now it feels like I am starting to understand.
When my man is feeling okay, he's the sweetest, kindest, funniest, most sensitive smart loving person in the world. He's hugely creative and although 'quirky' (bit eccentric, but in a brilliant way!) he's very high functioning, has a good job, etc. Even when he is well, he can get extremely angry sometimes from nowhere (this has NEVER been directed at me though, verbally or otherwise) although this blows over very quickly. We have very few problems. We never argue, support each other, laugh like mad, love all the same things, etc... This, however, all falls apart when he has an episode, which is happening again at the moment.
In the past 3 years, I'd say he's had 3 very serious episodes and a dozen or so less serious ones (periods of a few days where he drops off the face of the planet, but comes through it pretty quickly). I suspect this latest one is a serious one. You just get a sense of it after a while. So far it's been a little over a week. It went from amazing to terrible almost overnight. For a couple of days I noticed him getting frustrated and tetchy with me (he's never usually like that) then quickly it went the way it always goes - no communication at all. No replies to my texts, not picking up the phone, etc. It used to drive me CRAZY when he did that, but of course I had no idea why, he used to just tell (afterwards) me he couldn't help it and would come back, but I thought he was being horribly selfish and cruel, and would tell him so. I feel so bad for that now. He's ended it completely 3 times. Not a spur of the moment argument or anything, a proper sit-down ending, where he's told me he doesn't want a relationship, needs to be alone, etc. All 3 times it's been following an episode that I have dealt badly with, given him a lot of grief / ultimatums, etc, I just didn't understand why he was hurting me so badly! I mean, it's only a text right? Well, that's how I saw it then. He's vanished or requested space many more times but not properly ended it. This time, I've sort of prepared myself as best as I can and I know now that he needs space and I have to give it uncomplainingly, because complaining (a) gets me nowhere at best (b) makes him feel guilty, which he can't deal with, and pushes him further away.
I would really like to ask you all how you deal with these absences, which reading here seems really common with this illness. You have no idea how much I wish I'd known this 3 years ago, that there was a clear and real reason for his behaviour. I can deal with him when he's ranting, or angry, or behaving oddly etc, but when he shuts me out I find it SO hard. I know I need to be focusing on myself and not putting my own life on hold, but how on earth do you shut off your feelings for someone for days or weeks (or even months) at a time? Especially when you know how much pain they are in. I can't stop the extreme feelings of fear (that he may hurt himself, or get much worse, or never come back to me) along with missing him so intensely. I wish I could handle it, but I have to admit it is ruining my own health. I need to know how to get a grip on the situation, how to let him go when he needs me to, and not suffer so greatly. For both of our sakes! I love this man, very much, and can't imagine not having him in my life. But it feels whenever he does this, my life is horrendous until he comes back, and I can't continue like this forever.
He doesn't receive any kind of medical help, therapy, etc. He doesn't always exclude everyone, sometimes it is definitely focused on me (as the closest person to him emotionally), is that pretty usual? He generally is able to go to work even when things are very bad, but I know when he is there he's not really communicating, he's just going through the motions. The few times I've been able to actually see him when he's been in the middle of one of these episodes has scared me to death. He looks so terrible. He doesn't shave, can't eat so he loses weight, can't sleep (nightmares) so looks exhausted and so vulnerable and sad. Instinctively I want to help, hold him, make him talk to me, just do... something. But I can't. That is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. It's like the man I love has gone, taken over by a cruel and heartless invader who won't leave him alone.
Anyway I'm sorry for the really long first post. I'm just pretty overjoyed to have found people who might understand! It's impossible talking to my friends, they all mean well but at the end of the day they're my friends and all they can see is how much this is hurting me, they do not understand why on earth I would stay and put up with this.
I wonder, how long do your guys (or girls) 'disappear' for, generally? With mine it seems to be anything from a few hours to several months (3 months was the longest so far, it was hell). Also, how to you learn to deal with it, to leave them to it? Do you ever get scared they might hurt themselves, and if so how do you deal with that? Do they vanish entirely (no communication at all, not even a reply to a text) like mine? Mine comes back and feels so horribly guilty that he's hurt me, is that common? And what is the best way for me to ensure he won't just panic and end the relationship again? This is the first severe episode I've dealt with since I knew what the problem was, and if he doesn't leave me it'll be a first. Is it best to TOTALLY vanish and give him space, or should I be in touch every now and then just to let him know I'm thinking of him and am there if he needs me? Or doesn't it matter (he's hinted that he's barely aware of my existence so it doesn't really matter what I do)?
Thanks so much for reading and again sorry it's so long!
This is all pretty new to me and I'm so happy I came across this place. Reading through some of the threads of here has had me almost punching the air recognising the similarities in the situations people are in to how things are with me / us at the moment. Although I've been in a relationship with my ptsd sufferer for just over 3 years, I have only just discovered what the problem is a few weeks ago (he's never been in the armed services, his trauma was unrelated to that but not dissimilar - terrible event involving violence, guilt, etc). So I've been dealing with it sort of blindly until very recently, which has been unbelievably hard. I knew something terribly had happened to him (instinctively and from the odd thing he said, then clammed up again) but I didn't know how to link it with how he behaved before. Now it feels like I am starting to understand.
When my man is feeling okay, he's the sweetest, kindest, funniest, most sensitive smart loving person in the world. He's hugely creative and although 'quirky' (bit eccentric, but in a brilliant way!) he's very high functioning, has a good job, etc. Even when he is well, he can get extremely angry sometimes from nowhere (this has NEVER been directed at me though, verbally or otherwise) although this blows over very quickly. We have very few problems. We never argue, support each other, laugh like mad, love all the same things, etc... This, however, all falls apart when he has an episode, which is happening again at the moment.
In the past 3 years, I'd say he's had 3 very serious episodes and a dozen or so less serious ones (periods of a few days where he drops off the face of the planet, but comes through it pretty quickly). I suspect this latest one is a serious one. You just get a sense of it after a while. So far it's been a little over a week. It went from amazing to terrible almost overnight. For a couple of days I noticed him getting frustrated and tetchy with me (he's never usually like that) then quickly it went the way it always goes - no communication at all. No replies to my texts, not picking up the phone, etc. It used to drive me CRAZY when he did that, but of course I had no idea why, he used to just tell (afterwards) me he couldn't help it and would come back, but I thought he was being horribly selfish and cruel, and would tell him so. I feel so bad for that now. He's ended it completely 3 times. Not a spur of the moment argument or anything, a proper sit-down ending, where he's told me he doesn't want a relationship, needs to be alone, etc. All 3 times it's been following an episode that I have dealt badly with, given him a lot of grief / ultimatums, etc, I just didn't understand why he was hurting me so badly! I mean, it's only a text right? Well, that's how I saw it then. He's vanished or requested space many more times but not properly ended it. This time, I've sort of prepared myself as best as I can and I know now that he needs space and I have to give it uncomplainingly, because complaining (a) gets me nowhere at best (b) makes him feel guilty, which he can't deal with, and pushes him further away.
I would really like to ask you all how you deal with these absences, which reading here seems really common with this illness. You have no idea how much I wish I'd known this 3 years ago, that there was a clear and real reason for his behaviour. I can deal with him when he's ranting, or angry, or behaving oddly etc, but when he shuts me out I find it SO hard. I know I need to be focusing on myself and not putting my own life on hold, but how on earth do you shut off your feelings for someone for days or weeks (or even months) at a time? Especially when you know how much pain they are in. I can't stop the extreme feelings of fear (that he may hurt himself, or get much worse, or never come back to me) along with missing him so intensely. I wish I could handle it, but I have to admit it is ruining my own health. I need to know how to get a grip on the situation, how to let him go when he needs me to, and not suffer so greatly. For both of our sakes! I love this man, very much, and can't imagine not having him in my life. But it feels whenever he does this, my life is horrendous until he comes back, and I can't continue like this forever.
He doesn't receive any kind of medical help, therapy, etc. He doesn't always exclude everyone, sometimes it is definitely focused on me (as the closest person to him emotionally), is that pretty usual? He generally is able to go to work even when things are very bad, but I know when he is there he's not really communicating, he's just going through the motions. The few times I've been able to actually see him when he's been in the middle of one of these episodes has scared me to death. He looks so terrible. He doesn't shave, can't eat so he loses weight, can't sleep (nightmares) so looks exhausted and so vulnerable and sad. Instinctively I want to help, hold him, make him talk to me, just do... something. But I can't. That is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. It's like the man I love has gone, taken over by a cruel and heartless invader who won't leave him alone.
Anyway I'm sorry for the really long first post. I'm just pretty overjoyed to have found people who might understand! It's impossible talking to my friends, they all mean well but at the end of the day they're my friends and all they can see is how much this is hurting me, they do not understand why on earth I would stay and put up with this.
I wonder, how long do your guys (or girls) 'disappear' for, generally? With mine it seems to be anything from a few hours to several months (3 months was the longest so far, it was hell). Also, how to you learn to deal with it, to leave them to it? Do you ever get scared they might hurt themselves, and if so how do you deal with that? Do they vanish entirely (no communication at all, not even a reply to a text) like mine? Mine comes back and feels so horribly guilty that he's hurt me, is that common? And what is the best way for me to ensure he won't just panic and end the relationship again? This is the first severe episode I've dealt with since I knew what the problem was, and if he doesn't leave me it'll be a first. Is it best to TOTALLY vanish and give him space, or should I be in touch every now and then just to let him know I'm thinking of him and am there if he needs me? Or doesn't it matter (he's hinted that he's barely aware of my existence so it doesn't really matter what I do)?
Thanks so much for reading and again sorry it's so long!
