New Here - Unexpected Family Visit

[chasing_absolution]

I am to have my first appointment this week. About four years ago my Mom suggested to me that she thought I had PTSD after a year of some really bad times. I had left my job and was on a very downward slide emotionally. Then three months later my Gram passed away and I managed to get through the funeral and then went to bed for about five months. I was at my least functional then.
I managed to pull it together and went to school for a year and then lost it again. Not as bad as the first time but bad enough that I rarely leave my house, and have very little contact with anyone other than my Mom and sister.
I had done the research about PTSD and some of the symptoms fit but not exactly. Stuff was missing that I don't even know if I even recognized as symptoms in myself. Then about six months ago I came across C-PTSD and there I found the missing parts to what was wrong with me. Everything fit like a well made puzzle. It was like a made to order recipe of who I am.
I have talked very little about what has happened to me to anyone and I have a hard time facing it myself other than in my head. To say it out loud makes me feel like I am choking and I want to vomit.
Four months ago I made a phone call that has changed the direction of my life. Criminal charges are being laid against my abusers, after twenty years when it began and ten years since it finished. I don't know what made me do it, but I know I HAVE to do it in order to get well. If I ever get well.
I had gone to see public funded mental health professionals and they were not helpful. After a 20 minute interview which was toturous to me and filling out a form I was diagnosed with OCD...I do NOT have OCD..maybe a few tendencies but not full blown. Paxil and Ativan were perscribed by my doctor...which help calm me down and I am not suicidal anymore.. I only think about now without really wanting to do it.
Due to the criminal investigation I have been set up with victim services which are going to pay for a private therapist. The woman I talked to at victim servies spent less time with me and it was on the phone than it ook to fill out the form and do the interview at mental health and she said you have PTSD. I agree. Complex or not I have PTSD.
I am terrified of going to this therapist. I have only one time talked about in detail what has happened to me and that was with the police during a video statement for the investigation. A few other times I went to counselling and when I got to the point of talking about it I never went back. Shame of fear, or maybe I couldn't face it myself I don't know. But I couldn't do it. Now I have to.
My boyfriend takes my kids to the beach and they always want me to come, and I can't. I am locked up here in this little world that feels so safe to me and I want to leave it, but I can't. I am sick to death of feeling this way.

 

[Reclusive]

I'm glad you're going to be seeing someone. And remember to let them know if you're feeling too uncomfortable talking about something or if things have gotten too heavy for you. They're there to help you get through this, not to drag you through the mud or anything like that.

I finally got cleared through my insurance to see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I know it's going to be hard to go through but I just can't go on like this, y'know? I used to be a professional photographer and a dancer and I miss it so much.

Just know that you're taking the right steps - it might get worse before it gets better, but this is the road to healthiness. Let me know how it goes, okay?

 

[chasing_absolution]

I told my Mom about this site and she asked me if maybe I found it depressing....I don't...and told her so...the stories of so many people is sad..some stories make me cry...but at the end of the day I realize that everyone on here is helping each other...we can talk to each other without feeling a stigma about what we are going through. I feel comforable here..and it's so strange because I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone...I think just knowing that people on here understand what I am going through for whatever reason I am going through.
I am not ready to share my story yet..I don't know how long that will take...A long time I think...but I can at least I can share my symptoms and I can give and receive understanding about them here where I cannot anywhere else...and that is comforting to know.
I was saposed to go to my first appointment today...and chickened out...I rescheduled for two weeks from now and am hoping to build myself up before I go...I know it's not the therapist I can't face..it's me...I can't face me...pathetic huh?..I want to be better yet I can't even get to the first appointment.

 

[Reclusive]

Try not to be down on yourself and give yourself credit for rescheduling. My partner had an appt today and he was so scared of going he couldn't even call to cancel, so there's something positive that you did. Just take small steps and give yourself credit for them. Sometimes I feel like this whole PTSD thing is some kind of maze that we have to get through... I know that sounds weird. But if you keep at it you'll get to the finish.

 

[chasing_absolution]

I got a call from the lead investigator for the crimal investigation for the abuse I suffered and I am in a tailspin. Within a week or so they will all be arrested and things will be in the news and even though my name won't be released everyone will know who it is in my home town where I live. I am sick to my stomache and I cannot sit still....I want to run away and can't I feel trapped in all this shit again and no way to get away from it. I feel like4 my head is going to explode right off my shoulders. I wanted this but I don't want this. I am so confused.I want to cry but I can't I want to break things and I can't.....I want to hide and there is no where to hide....I am going to go insane..

 

[Reclusive]

You're not going to go insane, and it's going to be alright. Just remember to breath and focus on it. It'll help calm you down. I would post a new thread about this because the others have a lot more useful advice than I do. But remember to breath.