Sufferer New Here - Unexplained Triggers And Fear

[equestrian4life]

Hello,

I just found this forum and I hope it will be a safe place to come and share experiences and give and receive support.

I'm not feeling like I want to delve head long into my trauma history, but suffice it to say I'm experiencing some terrifying experiences in every day life (walking to my car in a parking garage). I had an experience last night that nearly made me throw up as I passed, a probably an innocent man, in the stairwell smoking a cigarette in the stairwell of a parking garage. It rattled me enough to run to my car, get in and lock the doors. I wanted to pass out. He did NOTHING wrong. I hate the fact that the trauma I suffered though years ago feels like it will never leave me.

I'm not someone who routinely panics, I'm solid, I own a business, I'm a licensed hand gun owner and excellent marks-woman, I conceal carry 24/7. I believe in safety above all and am at the firing range regularly. I even spent 8 weeks at a trauma treatment facility last August. But this guy, who did nothing to me paralyzed me - I was rendered useless. This has been happening more and more to me recently and it's shaking me to my core, like I'm just not safe in the world. It's an awful feeling. I'm hoping someone on here can relate - thank you for letting me share and join your forum. I hope to contribute as to a supporter for others as well. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@equestrian4life firstly and foremost a huge Welcome and if you accept a Mahoosive cyber :hug:

In answer to point one above, yes this is a very safe place and after time I am sure you will feel comfortable sharing on the forum, maybe even just posting a thread that you feel you just need to vent. I feel I speak for many when I say we are non-judgemental on here as many many of us will have experienced similar if not the same trauma's as yourself.

One thing we all have in common, is that as sufferers we are mostly (C)-PTSD diagnosed or undergoing evaluation to some degree. Many of us are in active therapy and making progress in that particular field.

For my part I came here 10 months ago very scared and unknowing. Ten months later, mainly due to the help I received ten months ago, I can safely and hand on heart state that I am all but recovered. I still have my down days but am so thankful to the creators / users of this forum for their help and advise that I received here.

You could not have stumbled upon / found a better place when not in therapy to come. There is always someone here that will listen and help in whatever way we can.

Laurie

 

[Ed Norton]

I understand what it is like to be frightened. I can definitely relate to your reaction. This forum has really helped me to feel that I am not alone in my reactions. Unfortunately my attackers/torturers are still on the street so I am very hypervigilant when I am outside. I wish I could shoot them though. welcome to the forum. Annie get your gun!

 

[Viosinger]

Welcome!

As I'm digging through things in therapy, my long-forgotten fears walking to my car seem to have resurfaced lately. It's so hard, and I feel so silly sometimes, but my brain & body are screaming, "RUN!"

I have no idea if it helps at all (I'm just a little ways into it), but I'm reading "In An Unspoken Voice" by Peter Levine about trauma and the body, fight or flight reactions, paralysis from fear, etc. It's written from a therapist's suggestion but has given me some insight into reconnecting with and understanding my body & physiological reactions.

To echo everyone, I've found an amazing, supporting, and best of all understanding community here.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @equestrian4life and welcome to the forum! (As a side note, please note and read my "avatar" picture. :) )

I'm sorry that you are experiencing an increase in symptoms and their effect on your daily life. My first inclination would be to ask - is there anything going on in your life right now that could be triggering this?
ie: any very recent traumas (or situations that in some way felt similar to your past traumas), anniversaries of traumatic events, difficulties with, or loss of an important relationship, recent encounters or near encounters with anyone who caused your traumas. Those are just a few off the top of my head.

I noted your mention of having been through an 8 week trauma program - good for you! I don't know if I could endure 8 weeks somewhere like that! But you didn't mention whether you are currently in outpatient therapy...? If you are not, it would definitely be something to consider, given your increase in symptoms.

Did they teach you grounding and self soothing methods when you were in treatment? If so, have you continued practicing them? If not, this would be another good reason to seek out an experienced trauma therapist.

Well, I'm rambling now but just wanted to welcome you and say hi! I look forward to getting to know you!

Safe :hug: if you'll accept them!

 

[equestrian4life]

Wow...thank you all so much! I will write more later as I'm at my office and well, it's pretty much not cool to be posting on a forum especially when you are the boss. I really appreciate everyone's words of advice and encouragement and I will definitely write more when I can (most likely later tonight). But I am in therapy, although it has been cut back significantly due to my work schedule, but I'd like to find an EMDR person in my town - it was VERY helpful in treatment, I cried for the first time in 8 years. I'd very much like to get back into that type of work. Again...I will definitely write more later, thanks so much!

 

[equestrian4life]

@equestrian4life

For my part I came here 10 months ago very scared and unknowing. Ten months later, mainly due to the help I received ten months ago, I can safely and hand on heart state that I am all but recovered. I still have my down days but am so thankful to the creators / users of this forum for their help and advise that I received here.

Laurie, thank you - it's oddly reassuring (I say oddly because it's online and out there for the world to see) that this forum is a place where you can talk/write about your 'stuff' and people are ok with it and are there to be supportive. And yes, I accept cyber hugs! :) That is awesome that you can claim recovery! I'd like to think I'm mostly there, but boy I have some days that something out of the blue will trigger me and again, I do my best not to let things show, particularly at work - but boy my three dogs have heard it all from me!

 

[equestrian4life]

@Ed Norton - thank you for support - I've heard that my attacker has passed away, which I can only hope to be the truth - I don't know this for a fact, but even hanging onto the idea makes things a bit more manageable for me.

@Viosinger - It's funny you mentioned "In An Unspoken Voice" - it was one of our required pieces of reading in my treatment facility - the other book I picked up which I love is Peter Levine's older book "Waking The Tiger" - both are amazing books that have helped me tremendously.

@TimeToHeal - Thank you - For starters I work in a family business, which could literally be a trauma all on its own, I kid you not - Working with family everyday takes strength that sometimes you don't even know you have. I've been blessed with the amount of therapy I've had as well as taking my therapist's advice / demand on being admitted into a treatment facility; I've learned a lot of DBT skills many of which include grounding techniques - and while I know them, I find that many times in the moment, my mind draws a blank and I resort to my standby: Dissociation or Freeze. I'm trying to stay in touch more regularly with my therapist, and I also do some hands on energy work called Integrated Awareness - it's amazing, and I can say without hesitation that it has saved my life. On a different, but just as important topic :) ...what kind of horses do you ride or work with? I love meeting people who have as strong a connection to them as I do. They are, without a doubt, some of the best therapists around.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

That is awesome that you can claim recovery! I'd like to think I'm mostly there, but boy I have some days that something out of the blue will trigger me and again, I do my best not to let things show

Dear @equestrian4life please read my next created thread. I was putting a reply here but do not want to steal your thread when I have so much more
I want to get out there on a personal note.

Your 'Cyber :hug: 's' will continue.

I am so glad you found this forrum as I am so glad I did Ten months ago . tomorrow.

Laurence.

Ps There you go I have finally used my first name fully for the the first time on this forum.
:)

 

[equestrian4life]

@laurie71 - thank you! I will go check it out! And congrats on using your first name fully on the forum! Yay!

 

[intothelight]

Hi equestrian4life,

Welcome to the forum! :)

This is a great place to find resources and support, and I hope you find it beneficial to your healing.

Debbie

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @equestrian4life! Oh I can't even begin to imagine working with family on a daily basis! It must bring twice the stress with it....so, props to you for dealing with all that!

I admire the strength it must have taken to enter an inpatient/residential treatment program. It sounds like it was a positive experience for you. About 5 years ago it was recommended for me to enter a similar such trauma program. Unfortunately, due to past experiences with other inpatient facilities - which I now know only served to provide me with more trauma - simply the prospect of going to another and being behind locked doors was more than I could handle.

I can relate to your, in the moment mind drawing a blank! It's like you're so overwhelmed with the feeling and the circumstance that your mind can't even separate from it enough to consider what might help alleviate it! So frustrating. It does sound like you are well equipped with tools, when you are able to access them.

It does sound like increasing contact with your therapist, even if it's temporary, may benefit you well right now. I hope you are able to!

Now, the important stuff :) -

I ride Hunter/Jumpers - mostly Jumpers these days, but I do dabble in the Hunter ring some add well. Yes, so nice to connect with someone who really gets the special and unique connection and bond between a horse and their person! I like to say they keep me sane, to which people usually laugh and say, "Yeah, I know what you mean!" No, seriously - they keep me sane. I have no doubt I wouldn't be able to deal right now if it weren't for the sanctuary of the barn....and I am so very thankful for it. So, what about you? What kind of riding do you do, or are you involved in? :)