New Job

[SpiritFree]

Well after 4 and half years of unemployment, I finally got hired. My employment will begin in 10 days. I just pray I do not have panic attacks and I also get antsy if I am in a cubicle. I guess my main concern is will I be able to perform my job duties. I have always been told since I was 5 I am stupid, stupid and more stupid even while I was being beaten. Now that I'm in my 50's I truly believe I am. Will I be smart enough to fulfill my job duties? I think I block myself out mentally from listening effectively due to my thinking I am not smart. I have allowed myself believe everything I was told about me. I have no confidence whatsoever. I feel I can not do nothing right. I am going to give this job a shot, but not sure how long I will be there.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you will do well at your new job. :)

Do you have calming and coping skills you can do at the office if need be?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Just do the best you can and I really hope this all works out for you.

 

[SpiritFree]

I think you will do well at your new job. :)

Do you have calming and coping skills you can do at...

No Eve, I am thinking perhaps listen to calm music with 1 ear as I work.

 

[SpiritFree]

Just do the best you can and I really hope this all works out for you.

Thank you Gizmo, I hope so too

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you have breaking skills? Oftentimes deep breathing is enough to help calm me down.

 

[SpiritFree]

Do you have breaking skills? Oftentimes deep breathing is enough to help calm me down.

No never tried the breathing technique. I will give it a try.

 

[SpiritFree]

Ok folks, I started yesterday. My first day on my new job. I got panic attacks on my way to the office in the morning. Now I have to work 9 hours starting in mid July so I can have Friday off. I can't stand being "locked" up in a office for 9 hours. Also made a mistake yesterday and I feel so stupid. Yes people there were nice to me. Now I'm struggling with "Am I smart". I have NO confidence in myself. Now I am thinking if this job is for me. Not sure what to do. I feel I'm falling back into depression again.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Hi @SpiritFree
The first thing you have to remember is you will make mistakes. Accept it and move on. The more you focus on making mistakes the more mistakes you will make.
That you have no confidence in yourself is the negative, undeserving self talk you might have heard all your life.
I know, I live it and I am afraid almost every day I will get fired and it has been ten years.
You will have to learn to accept you are going to be uncomfortable. Don't let that stop you. You will make it through but you have to focus on the work and not the people. Take each moment as it comes. Stay away from negative people. Don't discuss your life at work. No matter how nice they seem and even if they are nice people, you will still worry about things you share. This might sound harsh but work is not the place to make friends when you have PTSD. It can make you feel too vulnerable. I'm not saying don't be polite or friendly but avoid any kind of gossipy people. Avoid the friendly shit stirrers. They will say things like, I see you keep to yourself, that is smart, you are like me... They are hooks to pull you in, avoid them, it will make you lose sleep and miss days. Don't even listen to the complainers, make any excuse and walk away. I had to learn this the hard way and I'm still learning.
Don't think of yourself as being locked in an office. Think of the freedom you are working for.
If you have to, go to the ladies room with your phone and post here when you are feeling overwhelmed. I do that sometimes and it helps. You don't need to wait for a reply. Just the writing sometimes puts things in perspective.
I hope it works out for you.

 

[SpiritFree]

Ok , last Friday I got shouted out by the manager. "Why are you not in the Web....." an internet web conference. She never told me to partake. She simply told me to expect get my email and the web conference email. She didn't say to partake. Well it was 2 pm, and she shouted across the room at me and everyone was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I was so embarrassed that I kept my mouth shut. Then I felt my panic attacks were coming on. I then went to the bathroom to gag. Came back and got on a web conference that even my new coworkers were not familiar with it. I thought 2 more screaming at me and I'm out, anyway I'm on a 9 month probationary period. I am thinking of taking Accounting Classes and either try to move to another department or just quit when I find another job.

 

[Growing Joy]

All new jobs are difficult, hang in there and know you are doing your best. Anyone who yells at work is extremely unprofessional.

 

[SpiritFree]

Well folks, it has now been 3 weeks, and I can no longer tolerate it. Something is wrong with me and now my panic attacks are back again in full force. I am so frustrated because when someone tells me directions I tend to forget. Even if someone instruct me to do something I forget what they said in a split second. I have been making so many mistakes. I have to arrange all pages in a file all in exact order but some small detail is wrong even if I have my coworker who trained me reviewed. I am feeling so confused. Also whenever I answer the phone and listen to the person on the phone I mistaken K for H, or Sh for Ch. I don't think I am cut out for dealing with the public. I can tell my trainers are getting frustrated dealing with me and I am so frustrated that I cannot get nothing right. What has me concern is what my coworker stated to me during lunch. She said "Are you ok?" I told her yes and I asked her why. She said "Your eyes were moving rapidly sideways and you swing your head to the side". I told her I do not recall doing that. Well since I'm on a 9 month probation period, this coming Monday morning, I am going to submit my immediate resignation that same morning. I will drop off the letter and go home. I can no longer work there feeling I am retarded. Also when I make many mistakes they give me a look as if "Are you all there". Sorry had to rant away. What a shame. I will discuss this with my doctor when I see him on the 18th.