NewDayTomorrow
Silver Member
I am not sure what exactly to ask for yet. Let my try a numbered list of my current challenges (only 6 items) to describe my situation before I go complaining about suicidal thinking. Skip whatever is boring!
1. Relocated this month for a new job, then relocating again in April...so things feel very temporary and unsettled (though with company assistance it's no problem financially)
2. Steep learning curve at work, not feeling too much pressure yet but I know it will come, as I've been warned by coworkers
3. Weaning off Klonopin (1.5 mg/day before, currently at 0.5 mg/day) with support from therapists, but no psychiatrist and no replacement medication. Stepped down from 1.5 to 1 no problem a while ago. 2 weeks ago, stepped down to 0.5, that went fine for a week, but just now my anxiety is increasing, I feel in withdrawal, and need more time before I step down further, but I have plenty of pills so there is no rush.
4. I have had a fused spine for 8 years, and resulting neck problems, but last weekend I was diagnosed with a grade 3 spondylolisthesis in my low back (cracked and slipped vertebra) which may need attention from an orthopedic when I relocate again. I only mentioned that I have a "back problem" to one guy in my work group, very briefly, a couple days after I found out, but now I am settling down about it.
5. I used to live with my parents or college friends, but now I live alone. Nights and weekends are very lonesome and tiring. I sometimes get migraines which are similar in appearance to a stroke. I had one alone in my hotel room my first week in the middle of the night and felt helpless. I usually ride them out alone anyway but no one near me is aware that it happens so I feel extra helpless when I get one.
6. My PTSD comes from a bit of childhood sexual abuse plus some medical traumas, but that is on the back burner as I try to just stay stable in the present and settle into my new life. When I relocate the second time I have a couple therapists in mind to try processing again.
I think #3 and #5 are the hardest things right now. #1 and #2 are temporary, and #4 and #6 are sort of normal.
My nightmares and flashbacks are increasing, I tend to need more sleep on weekends and often I have nightmares or wake with anxiety even from a daytime nap. I was laying in bed this afternoon, trying to relax, with a heart rate of 90 bpm. During the week, I wake at 4 and have trouble settling back asleep, and wake up tired. I have increased suicidal thinking especially on weekends.
I have a long-distance, long-time friend who is supportive, but I overburdened him this week and he snapped at me, and told me he can't keep listening to this so frequently. Partly, I feel it is unfair for him to say he's had enough when I have no choice about dealing with this all the time, alone, and I can't just hang up the phone on it, I'd love to be able to hang up on myself! But he has his own anxiety and I don't want to ruin our friendship. I promised not to talk to him for a couple days. I am trying to leave him alone until Wednesday. I got in touch with some old friends and had more upbeat conversations about normal things. I feel a little better after that, but it is more of a distraction than a true connection, so I still feel the same way underneath, though it certainly helps to interact with people about other things and sort of take a break from all this.
I feel very discouraged and impatient with myself. I feel like it does not matter if I live or die. The company could hire a replacement. My parents would be angry that I "did this to them" if I did attempt suicide and they have never taken my PTSD diagnosis seriously...I talk to them often but not about this emotional stuff. Many "normal" people cannot stand to hear it, and I do not seem depressed or suicidal outwardly to anyone, even close friends, except that one person I mentioned who is worn out from my complaining. This has me feeling more isolated. It is hard to reach out and make new friends when I cannot remember the good parts of my personality. I see everything through a dark negative filter and get sucked into miserable mindsets. This is darker than what I am used to and I am having a hard time breaking the cycle.
Sorry for not phrasing a clear question. Sorry if this post was long. I hoped to lay it all out and see what comes back. I am a little desperate for understanding and sympathy and realistic advice. Please be gentle with me, but I would accept constructive criticism, please just keep in mind that I am a little fragile at present. I know that many people on this site are worse off than me. I am also not good at communicating how badly I feel. I ended up describing my situation more than my feelings. Most of all, I feel tired and discouraged because it seems like I am not making much progress. I am 23 and it seems like I have a long way to go before I can date or have a family, so I am starting to feel more hopeless about the future.
I'll check back later. Thanks in advance.
1. Relocated this month for a new job, then relocating again in April...so things feel very temporary and unsettled (though with company assistance it's no problem financially)
2. Steep learning curve at work, not feeling too much pressure yet but I know it will come, as I've been warned by coworkers
3. Weaning off Klonopin (1.5 mg/day before, currently at 0.5 mg/day) with support from therapists, but no psychiatrist and no replacement medication. Stepped down from 1.5 to 1 no problem a while ago. 2 weeks ago, stepped down to 0.5, that went fine for a week, but just now my anxiety is increasing, I feel in withdrawal, and need more time before I step down further, but I have plenty of pills so there is no rush.
4. I have had a fused spine for 8 years, and resulting neck problems, but last weekend I was diagnosed with a grade 3 spondylolisthesis in my low back (cracked and slipped vertebra) which may need attention from an orthopedic when I relocate again. I only mentioned that I have a "back problem" to one guy in my work group, very briefly, a couple days after I found out, but now I am settling down about it.
5. I used to live with my parents or college friends, but now I live alone. Nights and weekends are very lonesome and tiring. I sometimes get migraines which are similar in appearance to a stroke. I had one alone in my hotel room my first week in the middle of the night and felt helpless. I usually ride them out alone anyway but no one near me is aware that it happens so I feel extra helpless when I get one.
6. My PTSD comes from a bit of childhood sexual abuse plus some medical traumas, but that is on the back burner as I try to just stay stable in the present and settle into my new life. When I relocate the second time I have a couple therapists in mind to try processing again.
I think #3 and #5 are the hardest things right now. #1 and #2 are temporary, and #4 and #6 are sort of normal.
My nightmares and flashbacks are increasing, I tend to need more sleep on weekends and often I have nightmares or wake with anxiety even from a daytime nap. I was laying in bed this afternoon, trying to relax, with a heart rate of 90 bpm. During the week, I wake at 4 and have trouble settling back asleep, and wake up tired. I have increased suicidal thinking especially on weekends.
I have a long-distance, long-time friend who is supportive, but I overburdened him this week and he snapped at me, and told me he can't keep listening to this so frequently. Partly, I feel it is unfair for him to say he's had enough when I have no choice about dealing with this all the time, alone, and I can't just hang up the phone on it, I'd love to be able to hang up on myself! But he has his own anxiety and I don't want to ruin our friendship. I promised not to talk to him for a couple days. I am trying to leave him alone until Wednesday. I got in touch with some old friends and had more upbeat conversations about normal things. I feel a little better after that, but it is more of a distraction than a true connection, so I still feel the same way underneath, though it certainly helps to interact with people about other things and sort of take a break from all this.
I feel very discouraged and impatient with myself. I feel like it does not matter if I live or die. The company could hire a replacement. My parents would be angry that I "did this to them" if I did attempt suicide and they have never taken my PTSD diagnosis seriously...I talk to them often but not about this emotional stuff. Many "normal" people cannot stand to hear it, and I do not seem depressed or suicidal outwardly to anyone, even close friends, except that one person I mentioned who is worn out from my complaining. This has me feeling more isolated. It is hard to reach out and make new friends when I cannot remember the good parts of my personality. I see everything through a dark negative filter and get sucked into miserable mindsets. This is darker than what I am used to and I am having a hard time breaking the cycle.
Sorry for not phrasing a clear question. Sorry if this post was long. I hoped to lay it all out and see what comes back. I am a little desperate for understanding and sympathy and realistic advice. Please be gentle with me, but I would accept constructive criticism, please just keep in mind that I am a little fragile at present. I know that many people on this site are worse off than me. I am also not good at communicating how badly I feel. I ended up describing my situation more than my feelings. Most of all, I feel tired and discouraged because it seems like I am not making much progress. I am 23 and it seems like I have a long way to go before I can date or have a family, so I am starting to feel more hopeless about the future.
I'll check back later. Thanks in advance.
