New Lover

[Stitchin]

So the past couple of weeks he has blown me off multiple times when we were supposed to get together. I told him the first weekend how hurtful it was, he was very apologetic, but then a couple of nights ago he did it again, and I sort of laid into him with a long message. I tried not to be mean and condescending, and when he read it he said thank you and that he felt like an idiot, but he had to go to sleep because it was a lot to process. Now I haven't heard from him this morning - and I wonder if I overstepped laying my neuroses on him. Ugh.

 

[LadyZane]

It took me a long time to learn that blow-offs were not something I had to accept. I had boyfriends over the years who did stuff like this repeatedly, either because they "weren't that into me" or, in one case, because he was hiding a drug problem (!!!). It took me into my early 30s to stop accepting this treatment from men, but I finally did. I just don't think there is any truly excusable reason for treating another person this way -- even if you genuinely care about them. If plans change, your SO needs to communicate those changes clearly and considerately to you. If something goes wildly wrong and they can't, he needs to follow up on it as soon as humanly possible. If someone can't give you these basic considerations, I have found it's usually either because they don't want to, or because they aren't capable of it at this time in their life, whatever the reason for that may be. You deserve to be treated with the same care as everyone else, and if you're angry about it, that's understandable.

 

[Justmehere]

You went from this:

My gut says this is a problem. I have to find the courage to tell him I can't be a secret, and I need to do it soon.

To talking with him and *very quickly* coming to this point:

I learned that our relationship will remain as private as possible.

Then this starts happening:

I told him the first weekend how hurtful it was, he was very apologetic, but then a couple of nights ago he did it again, and I sort of laid into him with a long message.

I can't really explain why, but this relationship strikes me as one with a lot of unspoken secrets, and one in which you keep very few boundaries, and like *you* are getting lost in it. In him and his needs driving everything.

It seems like you are trying to read his mind again (something almost everyone does from time to time), but it strikes me as sign of a little enmeshment starting to build up in this relationship. Even more so, the attempts to try to guess what he is thinking is unlikely to be accurate.

Red flags pop up for me when you describe "learning" the relationship will be kept as private as possible. Actually, you learned that he will want to keep the relationship as private as possible. You did not describe him addressing your needs at all. You didn't describe it as two people coming to an agreement that the relationship will be kept private, but one person declaring what will be.

I'm a little concerned his needs are driving this relationship and your needs are being lost, *you* are being lost in it, until you finally can't take it anymore and sort of (respectfully) vent in a possibly ineffective way (rather than sitting down face to face and claiming your space and needs and finding compromise.)

I think it's time to ask your doc for help for finding a non-religious therapist to help guide you through how to set and keep boundaries, and to be able to declare your space to exist when in a romantic relationship. There are also online counseling services too. You have got to learn it's safe and healthy for you to exist, your needs to exist, in small and big ways, on a regular basis, than having another's needs run over your existence to the point that you eventually get burned out or the point of sending a lot of pent up and legit concerns his way, and he pulls away, and your fears of abandonment get triggered and you try to pull him in more and around and around this will go.

I really think it's time to focus leads on what he needs and a little more on you being you.

I could also totally be off as well, and/or not making a lot of sense! Take anything that's helpful and please disregard the rest. I hope you and him do connect soon, in a way where you can both show up fully in the relationship and get your needs met.

 

[The Albatross]

What are your own boundaries on this relationship Stitchin and why are you tryin' to get referees? "So the past couple of weeks he has blown me off multiple times when we were supposed to get together"??? You took the right action, he was apologetic. Wait for it.

 

[Stitchin]

Yes, you're correct, I am becoming enmeshed and lacking boundaries. I reread my message and it was well worded, and clearly defined my need to set certain boundaries. I panicked once again imagining things - and I'm working on that problem.
Thanks, these posts did indeed help.

 

[Stitchin]

Fast forward -
Despite all the red flags I could not stop myself from becoming completely enmeshed and continuing the relationship. But I did finally allow a friend to investigate a bit whether he was seeing someone else. This felt awful and duplicitous. But all she did was send him a FB friend request, and he was immediately hitting on her on messenger and telling her he was not seeing anyone.
This whole thing has crushed me. Over the last two months I've become more and more full of self hatred and misery. The culmination of it all put me over the edge.
I just got home from a week of inpatient treatment. Still struggling badly with intense emotions.
I don't see myself ever trusting again.
Even though I knew deep down that he was not the real deal, I allowed myself to be hurt and I'm not sure if I have the desire to keep going.

 

[The Albatross]

Very sorry to read Stitchin, hope you'll get more balance on this situation soon.

 

[Beans]

@Stitchin Sorry this didn't work out for you. Some iteration of this has happened to most of us (myself just a few months ago.) When lonely it's easy to talk oneself into something that just doesn't feel right. We traumatized pple have to relearn to trust out gut and intuition. Take a rest and a breather. Be extra kind to yourself in the following weeks. It will be ok. Please keep going. You will get better and you'll eventually find someone who loves you the same as you love them. Hugs.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Aww I'm so sorry to see it's ended that way. I really am. The opposite happened with me and now everyone knows and it's all okay. So, it can work. I guess I'm trying to say that even if you feel it, you weren't wrong or silly to hope it would be the real deal and the relationship would eventually become public knowledge. It's just such a shame that he turned out to be a loser. And he is a loser for being like that.

 

[Bloomy]

Just want to send you warm thoughts and blessings <3

 

[Deleted member 37474]

This hurts. We all just want to be loved and cared for and at the moment, something feels "like heaven" because they are gentle or not forcing us to do horrible things, yet it isn't really real, respectful or true love. But we hold on anyways because it is close and feels good. :(

True love doesn't hide. Both people are 100 percent themselves. You deserve true love and respect. You are worth real love. It will happen for you! It will find you and you will know it is right because there won't be any questions. It just will be two best friends with a touch of chemistry. Be patient. Heal you. You deserve real love.

 

[EveHarrington]

The good news?

It's NOT you! It's HIM!

He's a slime ball, a snake in the grass, a scum bucket.

In other words, you can do so much better! You deserve so much better!

So what was this? A whole lotta life lessons. Next time you'll be able to spot these red flags earlier and be able to walk away.

And remember! All of this is a reflection of how shitty of a person HE is!