Supporter New Member - Guidance/help Needed - Boyfriend W Ptsd, Ignoring, Withdrawing, "you Deserve Better"

[heatherfeather]

MokeyVal,

I may sound a bit bitter right now but truely, let him go...it will save you :(

 

[myvetswife]

MonkeyVal, its not your fault. I'm married over 20 years to a combat vet and hell it is hard! Yes, they do have mood swings, yes they have times they isolate themselves from the rest of the world yes, they say/write things in that mood, that they don't mean. But if the spiral is so down it is hard for them so see anything positive.

 

[MonkeyVal]

I can say I'm confused, but I have a feeling that in dealing with this situation, and in helping/supporting him, I may have to adjust to and admit - that I may ALWAYS be in a state of confusion..

Late yesterday evening, I found out that my mom sent my bf a message through facebook. They will correspond every now and then, send little "have a good day" messages back and forth, well she has been pretty concerned about him since his accident.. so (without telling me or without my knowledge) she sent him a very simple " Hi, I hope your recovery is going well and I hope you are healing well" message ... He responded to it.. He told her that the contusion he has (on the back of his brain from the accident) is actually somehow making him produce too much seratonin, and making him easily agitated, very anxious, and he feels that he's slipping further and further into depression. In addition, the medication the doctor has prescribed him is giving him nightmares/flashbacks, mainly of his second deployment to Afghanistan. He told her he feels like a sh--ty boyfriend and person, but that he doesn't know what to do or how to recover..

While I'm glad he responded to her message -- I knew NONE of this ... and still received no response, no sorry, no nothing from him regarding the concert or lack of contact.

 

[Pebbles]

Wow! I have to say that all of this is overwhelming. I came here for support and I can see that everyone deals with the same thing.

My boyfriend has pulled away from me, but for the first time still wants to see each other, just not everyday. It is difficult for me to go from seeing him everyday to not really knowing when I will see him again. I understand and respect his need for space and to regroup. I have no problem with that whatsoever. I understand that this is a learned response to deal with what he has going on.

What is not fair to me is that he can tell me that he needs a break and doesn't want to label anything, can't handle the daily pressure of being in a relationship or the feeling that he has to check in all the time, which he is the one that does that, I have never told him to be checking in with me all the time. He does all of this on his own....so I can respect what he needs as a person....but doesn't he have to be respectful of what I need, as well?

It is hard to go from seeing him everyday to just whenever...it leaves me insecure and sets my own anxiety through the roof...mine is not from PTSD...I just fight anxiety and take medication for it.

Is it unreasonable or impossible for me to ask him to keep in touch on a daily basis and see each other on a couple of set days a week...this is what I need from him. I don't feel like this is an unreasonable request, but is it possible for him to compromise to where I do still see him twice a week and him not feeling overwhelmed?

Maybe that is on a person to person basis???

 

[heatherfeather]

Hey Pebbles I know all about the anxiety and the insecurity of it all.

I am a pretty strong person and normally don't have insecurities in myself but this made me feel the exact opposite.

You aren't alone...

 

[myvetswife]

Is it unreasonable or impossible for me to ask him to keep in touch on a daily basis

I can understand what you are saying, but when my hubby got his mood swing/downs it is hard to keep contact at all. It is not meant mean.

 

[MonkeyVal]

Pebbles - My heart breaks for you reading this, as our "situations" sound eerily similar. In my opinion, especially in dealing with the issues with my bf, the more contact I initiated when he asked for time and space, the farther it pushed him away. I'm not sure if your bf will react the same, but I know that's been the case with mine.

Since my last update a couple weeks back, not much has changed, but in the same sense - A LOT has changed. He's been in *very minimal* contact with me -- all text messages, but yet still obviously pulling away. It has now been almost a full month since the "I need space" initial conversation, and almost a month since I've seen him and/or heard his voice. I've tried calling him a couple times (last week for his bday) which went unanswered and straight to VM, and a couple "let's get dinner" invites have been completely ignored..

He text me (on his own accord) randomly Saturday - saying he was thinking about me, how much he misses me, and that he's sorry he "did this to us" and that he "f--ked us up" and as much as I tried to let him know I care and I'm here, the texts stopped and haven't heard much since.

I know I probably sound hopeless, but I really care for him, and I'm willing to wait for him, and be here through this, but as Pebbles said, I don't really want to be left in the cold. Is it a good sign that he's at least making SOME contact? I'm "assuming" if he wanted completely out and to totally walk away that he wouldn't bother keeping contact, right? Ughh ... this is so difficult.

@MyVetsWife: It seems (in your previous posts and conversations) that you've experienced a lot of the similar issues that Pebbles and I are dealing with -- is there still hope? My fear is that so much time will pass, and he (my bf) will feel so much guilt that he will just give up on me and us ...

I really want this to work, but just not sure if I'm setting myself up for failure? Really could use some encouragement .. thanks all!!

Good luck to you HeatherFeather, My VetsWife, and Pebbles! I'll be praying for some good, positive outcomes in everyone's situations! :)

 

[Onlyhim]

Ahh, this whole thing reminds me too much of my own relationship. We're in an out right now, but he still talks to me everyday, just as "my friend" because he can't "emotionally attach".. It's scary as hell to be in this situation when all I can think is how bad I want him back. :c

 

[Tinyflame]

It's so hard to say, because with ptsd one can just throw so much out, usually what is worth more. :(

 

[Onlyhim]

I honestly think my particular sufferer cares enough about me and values himself enough to not give us away.

 

[Tinyflame]

Onlyhim, I mean no offence, nor to paint everyone with the same brush.

I just mean, and it has been only my experience, that it is not about caring or a lack of, that causes that (hence why they say it is not personal).

I would question the '(he) values himself' part, however. That can be a long time in coming, for anyone. But (and) with ptsd, add in potentially shame, guilt, frustration, etc.

If anything, caring about you he likely wouldn't want to complicate your life.

 

[Onlyhim]

If anything, caring about you he likely wouldn't want to complicate your life.

He knows better than that, he just has to remember it when he's in an out. We're going to make it through this, I have no doubt. :)